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AIBU?

to think the way ex looks after our DC's is lazy and half assed?

59 replies

iwanttobelola · 07/09/2013 15:42

Need an objective point of view.. not sure if my judgement is being clouded by my strong dislike of my ex
We have 3 DC's with the eldest starting high school last week, they go to their Dad's for one weekday and night and one weekend and night (ex's choice to fit in around his work)
When they stay there on the weekday the eldest (11yrs) gets the younger two (6yrs and 7yrs)their breakfast and makes sure they have had a wash, dressed etc then their Dad gets up 15 mins before they need to leave for school. Now the eldest is in high school he has to get the bus which leaves at 7.40 meaning he has 'taught' his younger brother (6yrs) how to get breakfast ready for him and his sister so that he can go and get the bus .. his Dad is still in bed when he leaves to get the bus so he makes his own lunch to take with him.
I feel this isn't his responsibility to do that their Dad should be up when they are and be doing all this and to see him out the door on time.

I have spoken to the DC's about it and they like the arrangement as it is 'like being a grown up', I have asked the ex if could not get up to see eldest off to school and he replied 'there is no need'

AIBU to want to insist that he gets his ass out of bed in the morning or they don't go there on a weekday or am I being over protective.?

OP posts:
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MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2013 15:44

He likes it, DC like it, I would leave it. Talking about reducing contact based on this seems really wrong.

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MrsSnail · 07/09/2013 15:45

I would say he should be up and overseeing whats going on, not lying in bed. But my ex is like yours and I may be biasedGrin

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whois · 07/09/2013 15:45

I think it's pretty mean for parents to stay in bed rather than get up with the children tbh, unless they have shift work or something.

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foslady · 07/09/2013 15:51

I have made the choice that so long as it's not abusive and does not cause my dd distress, what happens at her fathers is their business, and what happens in mine is mine and none of his. That way it keeps my blood pressure down.......I may not approve of what he does, but......

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RedHelenB · 07/09/2013 15:53

If they are ok with it, no problem.

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puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/09/2013 15:54

He does sound like a lazy arse, but if the children are happy with it, and it's only one day a week, then I would just leave it.

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Jinsei · 07/09/2013 15:55

He does sound like a lazy arse, but if the DC like it, I'm not sure that you have any grounds for complaint.

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nickelbabe · 07/09/2013 15:55

take it as a cue to do the same.

stay in bed a bit longer Grin

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Jinsei · 07/09/2013 15:56

Grin x post with puds

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redskyatnight · 07/09/2013 15:58

Don't see the problem with a 7 and 6 year old getting their old breakfast.
Definitely don't see the problem with a secondary school child making their own lunch.

I think it's a bit poor that he doesn't get up earlier - does he work long hours and need the sleep.

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TheRobberBride · 07/09/2013 16:02

I wouldn't be happy about it really. He should be up and supervising the kids. I'd be worried about accidents while preparing breakfast etc. what would happen if one of the kids choked or cut themselves and he wasn't there? An 11 year old shouldn't have sole responsibility for their younger siblings

BUT I'm also not sure what you can do about it if talking about it with him hasn't worked. I suppose you need to decide if you feel strongly enough about it to change custody arrangements over it.

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usualsuspect · 07/09/2013 16:07

I think.he should get up with the kids.

It's not the 11 years olds job to sort out the younger kids.

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MammaTJ · 07/09/2013 16:12

My two younger children were until recently 6 and 7. They could certainly get up and get their own cereal, so I don't see much wrong with this. As for the possible choking element Hmm he is within shouting distance, unless they all choked at once and so noone would be able to shout him, then they really would be in trouble! Grin

He is a lazy arse, but you are not going to be able to change that!

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Finola1step · 07/09/2013 16:16

I agree it's pretty mean to stay in bed while your young children get up, get breakfast etc. However, I think you will have to bite your tongue on this one. There may well be bits of your parenting that he does not like and it would be best to avoid conflict unless absolutely necessary.

That said, I would be keeping a very close eye on the children's punctuality at school on the days that your ex takes them in. You are perfectly entitled to request in writing a copy of each child's attendance and punctuality record. The school should be able to provide this to you in a matter of days (it's a few minutes work, computer print out job depending in which program they use - but I am assuming that you are in England). If there is a pattern of lateness on said days, then that's a different story...

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livinginwonderland · 07/09/2013 16:30

As long as they're getting to school on time, I don't see a problem. My parents didn't get up with me after I started secondary school and they were often out of the house before I was. I didn't die or miss the bus, so I'm sure they'll be fine.

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usualsuspect · 07/09/2013 16:32

I'm sure the got up with you when you were 6 though.

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ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 07/09/2013 16:34

YABU and a wee bit ridiculous, a bit of responsibility does children no harm, he's a lazy sod yes but he isn't doing any harm.

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usualsuspect · 07/09/2013 16:36

I don't think the 11 year old should have the responsibility for his younger siblings,

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OHforDUCKScake · 07/09/2013 16:37

My eldest is 6 years old and he comes down stairs, gets dressed and gets his own breakfast.

My youngest is 2 and cant do that of course, but when he can and he gets up at 6am, I have no intention of waking up that early when there is no need.


If your kids were 3 and 4 Id understand but 6 is fine and with that they have older siblings too.

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livinginwonderland · 07/09/2013 17:01

Yeah, they did, but when I stayed with family and older cousins, nobody got up with us. We were capable of getting dressed and making toast and cereal. If the kids are happy, then it's fine. They're hardly being neglected.

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iwanttobelola · 07/09/2013 17:03

Thanks everyone for replying.
He doesn't work long hours but 'works from home' on a lot of days so maybe he needs a lie in to prepare himself for the commute Wink
Everyone parents differently I suppose so if I criticise him then I need to be able to take criticism from him on my parenting skills.
I shall take a deep breath and forget about it (ish)

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usualsuspect · 07/09/2013 17:07

If the kids don't mind then just let it go.

Just silently seethe at the lazy arse.

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AmberLeaf · 07/09/2013 17:23

Lazy.

It isn't the job of an 11 yr old to parent their siblings so the parent can sleep in.

I say that as someone who doesn't see a problem with children learning independant self care, but thats taking the piss IMO.

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RedHelenB · 07/09/2013 18:54

TheRobberbride - since he is in the house the 11 year old hasn't got sole responsibility. I doubt he is sound asleep with 3 kids up & about!

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mineofuselessinformation · 07/09/2013 19:20

As long as the children are happy, leave it be. If they were to complain, that would be the time to raise it - your children will work out for themselves which parent is prepared to do what in their own time speaks the woman whose oldest was expected to shop, wash, cook and clean until she was deposed by the OW moving in.

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