To have smiled sweetly and said nothing to this school bully

(492 Posts)
DrinkFromMyFountain Thu 05-Sep-13 14:55:44

14 years ago I left school. There was one girl who made my life hell, said a load of nasty things about me and told me I would never amount to anything. She also said I'd end up single and Childless at 30 working in a shop. (NB I see nothing wrong with this, but it was meant in a horrible, nasty, put downy way). This was amongst various other things she said and did to try to make my life a misery.

This morning I took my car to the car wash and saw her working there washing cars.

I ordered my car wash for my naice car with my baby DS in the back and said "fancy seeing you here". She made a grimace of a face and carried on with her work.

Karma you beauty.

Thistledew Sun 08-Sep-13 18:39:29

I met the ringleader of the people who bullied me at school at our 10 year reunion. I had a fabulous time chatting away and getting on well with a completely different group of people than I used to associate with but be excluded by at school.

When I went to the bar, I saw my ex-bully sitting quietly and not really engaging with anyone other than her date- a complete contrast to her queen bee persona at school. I said hello to her, and we had a brief conversation. She seemed to genuinely not recognise me at first and was shocked when she worked it out. She told me that in fact she had had a miserable time at the school she had attended after she left ours. I thought to myself "that was probably because you were a pretty vile person at the time". I didn't say it though, because she was the sort of nasty person to put someone else down, not me. TBH, I really didn't give a stuff either way, although I appreciated the irony for a moment, particularly as she didn't seem to be inclined to offer me an apology or any recognition of her own behaviour.

coco27 Sun 08-Sep-13 18:36:36

The "it" girl from my school who made my life a living hell has married a very wealthy (albeit much older) bloke and is living in an absolutely FABULOUS house, travels all over the world and generally living it up.
my school bully too sad envy

FreeWee Sun 08-Sep-13 18:30:03

Pimpf yes. Thank you wine That's exactly what I think.

SpecialAgent Having a smug moment with someone who made it well and clear their priorities, made your life hell, then ended up in the trap they sneered at you? Well as much as I agree with Marmalade I reluctantly see why it would be satisfying. How is that not allowed to be the case in my example? Her priorities were looks, boys and telling me I'd never shag anyone. How is her getting pregnant not falling into her own trap? How come you get to decide the difference between gleeful and smug? And me having a private moment of comeuppance versus her years of bullying? Yep way worse. I don't need help thanks. I'm pretty happy as it happens.

Subliminal thank you. I will continue to be happy my life turned out just fine despite my years of suffering.

I know I'm a bitch for feeling smug but as long as I'm smug in private and don't rub it in her face who gets hurt? Surely only a little bit of me who'd like to get over it but can't. And I'll take the hit if it's all the same to you.

Pimpf Sun 08-Sep-13 17:58:44

But curlew it isn't being delighted that they are fat or work in any particular job, it is the fact that they are something that in the past they tormented someone about, or where very rude about and said that that is all the victim would do.. It is them that we're rude and sneering not me (or others)

curlew Sun 08-Sep-13 15:36:27

I am sure I would be seek revenge,nor be pleased to see it happen, or delight in my tormentor's misfortune.

But I would know that it was an unworthy feeling, I would think less of myself for feeling it, and I would, I hope, not be especially delighted that the fate that befell her was to be fat and to work in the service sector.

Hullygully Sun 08-Sep-13 15:28:02

Why is it disgusting?

That is an odd thing to post.

It's interesting: people have different experiences and different responses, about which they are being honest. Thinking that you yourself would never seek revenge, or be pleased to see it happen without engendering it, either means you have never suffered in the way described, are Jesus, or insufferably judgmental and smug.

RussiansOnTheSpree Sun 08-Sep-13 14:58:38

This thread is disgusting it really is.

SubliminalMassaging Sun 08-Sep-13 14:47:30

Anyone who is smug that their bully is a heroin addict or was pregnant at fourteen is far worse than the bully IMHO.

Really? I completely disagree. Anyone who has been terrorised and traumatised by another person over a sustained period is entitled to feel as smug as they damn well like if it turns out their life is much happier and more successful than that of their tormentor. The nature/extent of their downfall is beside the point.

I think some of you have a very unrealistic expectation of others. I can only imagine you don't know what it's actually like to suffer at the hands of someone else.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Sun 08-Sep-13 14:23:20

Anyone who is smug that their bully is a heroin addict or was pregnant at fourteen is far worse than the bully IMHO. angry

I wrote down at least seven times what I feel about posters who are that cruel and have children, then deleted. I'm not at their level.

I'll never forgive the bullies who physically attacked me. I'll never forget their girlfriends who made my life Hell for being the 'Slut Who Deserved It.'

I'll be on medication forever. All said bullies have gone on to live their lives and no, I Don't forgive them.

Doesn't mean I would be smug in those sort of circumstances. shock

To be gleeful someone was a drug addict or pregnant at fourteen because 'haha she said no one would ever screw me, joke's on you!' Those sort of people need serious help.

Having a smug moment with someone who made it well and clear their priorities, made your life hell, then ended up in the trap they sneered at you? Well as much as I agree with Marmalade I reluctantly see why it would be satisfying.

People who sneer at the former two are just as scummy as those they happily tromp their boots in.

TheLightPassenger Sun 08-Sep-13 13:01:56

some great posts on here, particularly by STDG. As someone badly affected by bullying I take a a middle road - I think many people bully as they enjoy the sense of power, rather than because they must have pitiably awful family lives, and I think it is possible and perfectly acceptable to move on without forgiveness. The one girl who at times behaved badly towards me who I know did have a difficult home life I completely forgive and bear no grudge to (but that is a very individual set of circumstances).I do feel uncomfortable at obesity/teen pregnancy/low status jobs being seen as a reason to gloat though.

Pimpf Sun 08-Sep-13 12:04:11

And you can't say she didn't use them for her own selfish pleasure (shock horror girls like sex too). Equally you can't say that she was used, or that was raped or had sex when she didn't want to as you weren't there.

You weren't there, you weren't bullied by this girl, you didn't see what was going on, you aren't Free so you have no right to tell her how to react now as an adult.

You can have you're own opinion, you can say how you would deal with it but telling someone else that her reaction and her feelings are wrong and bad is disgusting and bordering on bullying.

lottieandmia Sun 08-Sep-13 11:29:01

I'll admit that I find it hard to find forgiveness in my heart for some of the most nasty bullies I had to contend with. I had to move to another school because of them.

The thing is, although it would be nicer to think that all bullies have problems and they are the ones who need understanding, I don't think that that is always true. Some people are just not very nice and are incapable of reflecting on how their behaviour might affect others. Some of my bullies are clearly still the same people as they were at school tbh.

differentnameforthis Sun 08-Sep-13 11:10:30

Free, I am shocked that you think not one of those lads used her for their own selfish pleasure.

She may have wanted to have sex with them, but you cannot say that she wasn't used (unless you were there while they had sex) and you cannot say she wasn't raped/had sex she didn't want (same thing, right)

FCEK Sun 08-Sep-13 08:51:34

The girl in question thought it was ok to name call and physically assault a disabled person (me) so whilst i would be happy to accept the apologies if others, in her particular case I have no sympathy.

JennySense Sat 07-Sep-13 17:04:27

Some really interesting views on this thread.
A couple of years back I refused to go to a school reunion because a bully who assaulted me was one of the organisers. It was organised via Facebook and lots of people asked why I wasn't going and I told everyone why.
A friend who went said the bully was very embarrassed at my no show and said how she regretted her bullying.
Made her think apparently.

LondonMother Sat 07-Sep-13 17:00:49

Not nice to feel smug about somebody who had surgery to correct a facial deformity or scars after an accident. Maybe a little more understandable if it was lots and lots of elective surgery to stop the ravages of time and eventually it went wrong, especially if the person concerned used to be mock others they felt to be less attractive than they were.

Pagwatch Sat 07-Sep-13 16:51:28

Whatever ones view on wishing ex bullies miserable there is surely a line? The 'she had years of facial surgery' comment is way, way over the line IMO.

It does make a difference if you have a sincere apology. One girl apologised while still at school for joining in with some bullying led by a boy who, when not tormenting quiet, shy girls like me sat carving swastikas into his arm with a compass in lessons. Even at 12 there was a sense that he had bigger problems than I ever would, but some teacher intervention would have been welcome all the same. I went on to be pretty good mates with her through the rest of school.

I can see why revenge could be an attractive train of thought and I'm not criticising those who feel it's the best course for them, but all that means is that they are still taking up space in your head and needling at the insecurities you had at the time.
I'm not 12 any more - makes no odds to me whether they are happy/sad/fulfilled/empty now.

Portofino Sat 07-Sep-13 16:28:09

You feel smug because someone had to endure loads of surgery hmm

FCEK Sat 07-Sep-13 14:59:48

I've has bullies both as a kid and adult.

One childhood bully tried to commit suicide after mot being able to cope the medicine degree her mum always bragged about. She came into my place of work looking for advice. I gave it and felt sorry for her. She did look extremely uncomfortable being helped by me but when she saw my mum later she said how helpful I'd been. So people do change smile

Other childhood bully looked (seriously) like a witch. Sticky out chin etc. she had years of facial surgery. Made me feel very smug.

There are some bullies who have yet to have the downfall I pray they'll get. They seem to carry on being the queen bees. confused

And I loved my student job in asda. I don't look down on these workers at all. All that matters is your personality.

I feel if someone visibly regrets/feels embarrassed by seeing you again, that's enough for me to move on, regardless of what job they have. I've had a few bullies I've seen since who I can tell regret their behaviour and that makes me no longer angry with them.

No idea if I'm making sense lol

I'm amazed at all these bullies that have ended up single, childless, unable to drive/afford a naice car and with a low paid job, all because of Karma.

That Mother Teresa must have been a right bitch at school! grin ;)

MrsTedMosby Sat 07-Sep-13 12:59:56

I saw bullied for years in secondary school (and outside by girls who went to another school)

One of them I saw in the pub when I was in my 20's. She screamed and shouted abuse at me like we were 15 again. I'd said nothing to her. I felt very sorry for her, she obviously had real problems I found out later she was addicted to Crack. She died last year and I actually felt really sad as I know her family, who are all lovely. No one deserves to end up like that.

Another of my bullies now works with vulnerable children and when I saw her in a pub she apologised for what she'd done to me. I refused to punch her even though she asked me to!! (she was very drunk!)

fackinell Sat 07-Sep-13 12:46:04

I don't think YABU, OP. it's not about the job, it's about the tables being turned on someone who used to treat you like shit.

I used to nanny and the 18yo of the family used to go on about what a shit, menial, thicko's Job I had and how she wanted more for herself.
After she finished Uni, I was told by someone who saw her in my nanny agency being turned down for a job as it's a skilled profession that she lacked experience for. Oh how I grin!!

nenevomito Sat 07-Sep-13 12:00:06

I was bullied for years. Just the slow drip, drip, drip of people not liking me and excluding me. I was the fat kid who always seemed to miss what was 'in' even from primary school, before blossoming into a truly awkward, socially inept, unpopular teenager. Having people bitch, snipe and exclude you; set you up for practical jokes where you were wrong if you put on a brave front and wrong if you showed you were upset and attack you for what you looked like wore me down till there wasn't much left.

But I don't think about them at all. Why should I? They were just stupid children behaving stupidly.

Since school I've been lucky enough to develop a very wide social circle and some very close friends. I’m successful at work, have a fab family. What a waste of energy it would be to give time to people from school?

Living locally (small town mentality around here) makes it easy for me to know what has happened to some of them. One is a successful journalist on a national paper. One died young from cancer. One has a PhD in something bizarre and one works in my local town centre. Just a normal cross-section of people, whose only link together in my mind is that they made my life hell for a few years. The only time I've ever felt anything close to schadenfreude was when I saw that one of them who picked on me for being fat was now larger than I have ever been.

Giving people who picked on you at school any thought at all is giving them power way beyond where it ended. Expecting some sort of contrition or apology is setting you up for a massive fall as they probably either don’t remember it the way you do or just don’t care. Learning to look-forward and learning how to deal with the self-esteem issues of being bullied, is a much better way of dealing with the situation than expecting some remorse from them, or feeling a vicious pleasure when you find out about their misfortune.

MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 07-Sep-13 11:20:04

Fucking iPad dick and its stupid predictive text. I'll punch it and feel no remorse!

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