To Want My DS to Be more Sociable?

[JohFlow]

My DS is 10 years old. He has a small group of friends at school but I am told he is popular.

He has had problems with bullying at school for a number of years and I have tried to support him. He does seem to be quirky and different in comparison to his class mates. He is a deep thinker, introverted and has surreal humour - which sometimes I don't even understand . I am not sure if the bullying came before his isolation; or whether he has always been like that and the bullies just comment on it.

What I see at home is someone who prefers to play alone rather than with other children. Sometimes he can watch other kids play for some time without getting involved. He has no outside friends to speak of. When he does play it seems to be for a short time and then he makes his excuses and comes away; even if the other kids are still up for further activities. I have asked him if he would like friends to come home from school or scouts and he just replies 'I don't want to'. He has quite exacting standards as far as friendships go which I think is down to the damage created by the ongoing bullying.

I am not sure whether I should let things come in their own time (whilst encouraging to be proud of being different) or to try to create opportunities for engagement anyway.

I want him to build up his trust in friends again and just enjoy being young.

What would you do in my situation?

[mummymeister]

not surprisingly (because of the previous bullying) you are over thinking and over worrying about this. some children are naturally like this with one or two close friends, others prefer a small group and some flit from group to group. none of this in itself makes you happier or unhappier than anyone else. there are some things that you can do to gently encourage him like enrol him in the scouts or cubs, jujitsu, drama group or whatever he is interested in and is local to you. get him to go along for a couple of taster sessions but if it really isn't him then please don't force it on him. if you make him think that he should be unhappy with his lot then he will be unhappy with it iyswim.

[sonlypuppyfat]

Some people are quite happy with there own company, he's still a young boy he will find things he wants to do as he gets older.

[Ifcatshadthumbs]

If he is happy within himself leave him be. I think pressuring him into being more sociable than he is comfortable with will cause a lot of stress and probably disappointment.

[JohFlow]

He tells me he gets lonely.

[sonlypuppyfat]

Thing with kids you can't win what ever you do, does he want to join anything. I f he likes being on his own how about penpals, I used to have loads its like socialising but without people

[TheSmallClanger]

He may come into his own in a little while, when "playing" becomes far less important, and children find other activities and interests to bond over - is he into computing, or cars, or fantasy novels?

His previous experiences probably mean he is terrified that if he lets others get too close to him, they will learn how to hurt him. Trying to push sociability on him may well be very stressful, and make him feel very vulnerable. He needs to trust people in his own time.

[JohFlow]

He is already in the scouts and has weekly swimming lessons. He seems to be hit and miss about the scouts and sometimes doesn't want to go - so thinking of reviewing that with him. He does enjoy his swimming but sessions are just half and hour and most of that is in motion rather than chatting with the other kids. He likes to dance and sing in our front room and I see potential there. I have suggested street dance/drama sessions but he has turned these down point blankly. The penpals things sound quite good Sonly - are there places he can access these?

[sonlypuppyfat]

Oh I'm not too sure it was years ago. Google it you will get a better idea. I loved it. It's exciting getting a proper letter