To not want my mother in the delivery room

(72 Posts)
Chocolatehunter Mon 02-Sep-13 16:15:59

My Mother has weird ideas about people who scream when giving birth. When previously we've watched One born every minute, she's been very vocal and told me that women shouldn't scream in labour (she had a c section with me so I feel it's unfair for her to say this). She's also very skittish and would make me very nervous, she hates it if I've ever been ill and bombards me with phone calls/visits until I feel better. I had a headache on Thursday and bumped into my auntie on Friday who was surprised to see me up and walking after speaking to my mother who had made out I was at deaths door.

However, she's taken the idea of not being allowed into the room very badly, she's very upset, very emotional and won't speak to me without shouting at me. This would be her first grandchild and she relies on me a lot since my father passed away nearly 5 years ago, so she feels this is a betrayal. It's made her become uber competitive with my MIL and if we visit PIL she screams at me that I don't visit her, (I go out shopping with her almost every single weekend). I love my mother loads and I'm not going to distance myself from her because I'm all she has. Also, I have a very strong suspicion that she is bi-polar, which would explain a lot of her more random behaviour, but I don't know what to do.

Would it be easier to have her in the delivery room and have a quieter stress free pregnancy or should I not have her in the delivery room and possibly have a very stressful pregnancy?

whatareyoueventalkingabout Mon 02-Sep-13 16:18:44

you don't need extra stress at a time like that. I feel for you, that's a difficult situation but you have to put yourself first and the birth of your first baby is not about her x good luck x

TVTonight Mon 02-Sep-13 16:20:19

I mean this kindly- but seriously. If you want to end up with an emergency caesarean have her in the room. Otherwise, don't think about phoning until it is all done and dusted.

HugoDarling Mon 02-Sep-13 16:20:35

Whoa, YANBU at ALL. Do not let her in. Don't tell her you've gone into labour. Flatter her by making her the first phone call maybe.

IAmNotAMindReader Mon 02-Sep-13 16:20:56

Tell her she can wait in the relatives room and be the first visitor to see the baby. You need to put yourself and your baby first at this time, no one else.

SweetBabyCheeses Mon 02-Sep-13 16:22:19

DO NOT HAVE HER IN THE DELIVERY ROOM!

This is a time you need calm all around you and the focus to be on you. She sounds very high maintenance and for your own sake you need to stand your ground.

Could you ring her once the baby is born so that she's not given the option to come in? Maybe lie and say the hospital will only allow your DH in if you don't want an argument.

everlong Mon 02-Sep-13 16:23:25

With respect to your mum this is your baby. She doesn't have a right to be there.

Explain now that you are nervous and you just want DH with you. That is a reasonable request.

YouTheCat Mon 02-Sep-13 16:24:10

Tell her she'll be the first to know once you've had the baby but the only person you want with you is your partner.

Get it put on your notes that only your partner can be there.

Don't tell her when you go into labour or she'll call every 10 minutes.

She will stress you out more by being there.

Hassled Mon 02-Sep-13 16:24:29

Tell her the truth - you love her dearly but a) you're going to scream if you want to and b) you know she struggles with seeing you in pain.

Or - the opposite. Lie your head off. You know for an absolute fact that only one person is allowed in the delivery suite at your hospital, and obviously that'll be the baby's father. You'd love her to be there but sadly it's impossible.

Whatever you do, don't give in to her. This is about you and your baby - no-one else. You can't rewind and do it differently - some of the birth might be out of your control, but hang on to the bits you can control.

everlong Mon 02-Sep-13 16:24:37

Just a thought though when you are actually in labour you don't give a hoot who is in with you or what's going on.

armsandtheman Mon 02-Sep-13 16:24:40

You must do what is best for you as the calmer the better when giving birth. You need 100% support not someone judging you for making too much noise etc. I agree with not telling her until you are ready to after the birth. Maybe you could say it all happened too fast!

You are not being unreasonable at all.

TarkaTheOtter Mon 02-Sep-13 16:26:33

YA soooooo NBU. If the consequence of her not being allowed in the delivery room is a stressful pregnancy then you need to distance yourself from her, even if its just whilst you are pregnant. She is behaving terribly and by putting up with it you are enabling her.

MmeLindor Mon 02-Sep-13 16:27:34

What Hassled said -

'Tell her the truth - you love her dearly but a) you're going to scream if you want to and b) you know she struggles with seeing you in pain.'

You won't be able to relax if she is there fussing over you.

I would also think about starting to distance myself from her a little bit. How are you going to visit her every weekend when the baby is born?

She sounds exhausting, tbh

MortifiedAdams Mon 02-Sep-13 16:28:14

Say to her "Labour will be me and dh only" repeat ad nauseum

If she strops, thats her problem.

Get stern as she is going to be a fucking nightmare.once tha baby is here.

Write.in massive notes that dh is to be yor only birth partner, and only call her when the baby is due.

If you can, give her a delivery date two weeks ahead to stop the incessant calling everyday aroubd your due date.

IcedTeaOneSugar Mon 02-Sep-13 16:32:34

I wouldn't have wanted mine there, it was a special time for me and DH, not street theatre.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 02-Sep-13 16:33:29

Don't let her be in the delivery room unless you are someone who is especially laid back about these things.

If there's any chance of you feeling at all inhibited or uncomfortable or irritated by her being there, then do do it.

I have quite an easy going mum and she was disappointed that I didn't want her in the room when I gave birth. We compromised on her waiting in the hospital, which worked well because I was happy to see her straight after the birth.

Chocolatehunter Mon 02-Sep-13 16:39:51

Thank you, I feel guilty even posting this because do love her very much and I know how much she relies on me, especially since my father passed away. She has tried to join groups, but my father was her sole mate and ultimately she's lonely and doesn't know what to do with a life that she didn't chose for herself, so she over focusses on me.

My mother has those funny ideas about screaming in birth from my grandmother, she was brought up in a very strict working class terraced household and was expected to give birth at home like her sisters did. My grandmother thought that it would bring shame on the house if the neighbours could hear a woman screaming. It surprises me that my mother has these views because she always fought hard to be different and to challenge the status quo, but I suppose some things are just forced onto you.

BackforGood Mon 02-Sep-13 16:40:46

Of course YANBU - I am stunned at the number of people who have their Mums (or other people) in the delivery room on OBEM. Not my RL experience at all.
It's a very special moment for you and your dh/dp.
Even if your Mum weren't as over anxious as you have described her, I still wouldn't be contacting her about the labour until your little one was born.

cantreachmytoes Mon 02-Sep-13 16:45:27

Just adding agreement with YADDDDDDNBU!

And make sure you DO NOT TELL HER WHEN YOU'RE IN LABOUR.

And as others said, big letters in your notes about only DH in with you.

I certainly was aware of people around me in labour and would have been very uncomfortable with someone I didn't want there.

misskatamari Mon 02-Sep-13 16:51:36

I would not have her in the room. Sounds like she would stress you out so much. I just wouldn't tell her when I was in labour and deal with her afterwards - you don't need that kind of worry when you're giving birth! In terms if a calm birth - have you looked into hypnobirthing? I've read lots of great things about it helping you have a calm labour.

Pawprint Mon 02-Sep-13 16:54:28

Ironic that she shouts and screams in normal life, but disapproves of women doing the same whilst in labour!

Don't have her in the delivery room. Don't even discuss it. If she has taken it badly, then so be it.

I would not tell her you are in labour in case she turns up at the hospital. Personally, I would wait until after the baby's born.

eurochick Mon 02-Sep-13 16:55:50

Just don't tell her when you go into labour.

WaxyBean Mon 02-Sep-13 16:57:31

YADNBU here! You don't want the focus of your labour to be trying not to scream and all attention on your mother.

Don't even tell her you're in labour - my mother knew nothing about the arrival of my first until a phone call to say he was here (the second was another matter as she was looking after my first and demanded hourly updates via text from my OH).

oscarwilde Mon 02-Sep-13 16:58:37

Don't tell her you are in labour for the love of god. I had to boot my MIL out. She "popped in" and she still hung around for frikkin hours "keeping DH company". Thankfully my parents live overseas, they were at my sisters bedside within an hour of her Csection. I think I made my feelings on he subject pretty clear to them but it never occurred to me that my MIL would invite herself to the experience.
In all truth she was mostly fine - she's p*ssed me off more since by giving her opinion on how I laboured, what went wrong and the standard of care I received. I thought it was fine myself and was perfectly happy with it in the main. I can't bear people who won't complain if there's an issue and then dine out on it for years. Put up or shut up.

While you don't have a small child to contend with, it might be a good time to sit your mum down and set her expectations about how much you expect to see her after the baby is born, who will do childcare if you are going back to work and encourage her to develop a life outside you and her DGS.

FannyMcNally Mon 02-Sep-13 17:00:16

You need someone supportive with you! Not someone telling you to shut up if you start screaming fgs.

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