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drunken lessons I have learned...

(64 Posts)

Do not blow out a candle with a nouth full of cheese and crackers.

Generally, going backto your neih.ours for an extra glass iof wein is not necessaey.

If yocpost on mn drhunk, hide tgread immediately afterwards.

Smlhe and tje whole world smipes with you! smile

Pawprint Sat 31-Aug-13 16:16:09

Do not get pissed and confide in your grannie that, as a child, you used to think you could keep spermatozoa as pets.

Pawprint Sat 31-Aug-13 16:15:29

Don't, when at a wedding, get off with someone you think is in his 20s when, in fact, he is seventeen (and you are 25).

Work is, fortunately, very quiet today! Imagine my suprise though, whilst browsing Mumsnet this afternoon, to come across a thread that I had completely forgotten starting! blush

It is coming back to me slowly now. Oh dear! grin

3lovelykids Sat 31-Aug-13 15:07:10

Do not attempt to prove you can still do a cartwheel at your Bil's 50th after drinking huge amounts of Bacardi. You will definitely land flat on your back on the dance floor. Not good blush

Sophita Sat 31-Aug-13 14:31:48

DollyTwat - I tend to swing between finding it funny in a 'what went through your mind' way & just feeling awkward... doesn't help that said Ex-boyfriend is now married to former flatmate & delights in telling that story whenever we're around each other.

sazzle82 - I think maybe we all need to write out the first para of your post and pin it to our mirrors! Truer words never spoken!

sazzle82 Sat 31-Aug-13 14:22:09

Wine is not your friend. Not everyone wants to listen to everything you have to say and you are not the funniest funny person to have ever lived.

Oh, and when your dp's (now DH's) best friend is staying over and has brought his new girlfriend for you to meet make sure you

A) wear a nightie or pyjamas
B) lock the bathroom door
C) do not pass out legs akimbo on said bathroom floor for DH best mate to walk in

To be fair to DH best mate he immediately covered his eyes (in horror) and began shouting over and over for DH. I got up and sauntered out of the bathroom saying 'I'm awfully sorry' and got back in to bed. This incident is known by all our friends and brought up at any get together. It took me months to find it amusing though blush

Ledkr Sat 31-Aug-13 14:15:47

Don't be impressed. We were very unwise

DollyTwat Sat 31-Aug-13 14:14:05

Sophita I think that's brilliant grin

OHforDUCKScake Sat 31-Aug-13 14:06:35

9!!!!!

<impressed>

Sophita Sat 31-Aug-13 14:05:24

Don't let yourself be persuaded by mutual friends that it will be ok for you to go to your ex-boyfriend's houseparty. You will see him kissing a girl in the kitchen, and your drunken revenge masterplan will be to go to his bedroom, sticky-tape all his boxer shorts to the ceiling, make a desktop display of his athlete's foot cream & hair-straighteners, and write 'cunt' on his pillow with your lipstick blush

DollyTwat Sat 31-Aug-13 13:56:06

Don't invite two other mumsnet yers for a quiet Sunday lunch and expect 9 bottles of wine to be plenty grin

Ledkr Sat 31-Aug-13 13:45:56

Don't drink 9 bottles of wine with two other mumsnetters and expect to feel ok the next day!!!

Fuzzysnout Sat 31-Aug-13 13:43:38

Don't attempt to take your university tutor home for 'coffee' only to realise that you are too drunk to remember where you live. blush

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 31-Aug-13 13:42:38

Sorry about all mistakes. On piddly little phone :-/

Ouch Euphemia!

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 31-Aug-13 13:37:48

Dont go off on your own, in the dark, whilst at an outdoor quarry party,, right into the bushes to have a wee.

You will fall down a massive hole and no body will notice for 2 hours.

You will also scare yourself stupid thinking there are monsters in the hole and cry for said 2 hours. sad

Was horrendous. Finally people came and found me and dragged me out ( pissing themselves laughing and telling everyone they came across) when I asked my friends why no-one had coe to fina me they said they thought id gone off for a bit of fun with someone.

I had scratches and bruises all over me especcially my face and a briken rib. Was not amused.

Also, dont try to sleep in a bath. You will get a sore neck and accidentally knock the tap with your foot in the middle of the night. ( this will lead to you jumping up and falling over the side of he bath, shouting to anyone who will listen that there is a flood and we must all make a boat. ) good few years ago and still havent livedthat one down. Haha

OHforDUCKScake Sat 31-Aug-13 13:33:32

Don't go to a free party, break into the disused neighbouring glass factory with friend, trip over a huge cable while in there, find a bottle of 'whiskey' find out its turps as you are both in your knees hurling this burning liquid thinking "we're going to die and no one knows we broke in here", recover panic and can't find the exit, don't break a windowed door in panic to get out narrowly miss a large pane of glass falling on you, panic more, climb through the window, finally get out, breath a sigh of sweet relief looks back at the glass door you just climbed through and shock yourself and the shards of glass hanging down and be in disbelief that you still have all your digits, limbs and arteries still in tact.

You will get a phone call from your boyfriend and owner of the sound system saying "DUCKS where the fuck are you? I'm worried. Someone's trying to sabotage the party, they broke in the warehouse, pulled out the cable out, the sound system is off, poured spirits everywhere and smashed panes of glass."

Er, yeah that was me. Shhhhhhhn.

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 13:31:51

I bet those would be amazing to sleeping bag race down Euphemia!

shock at Danger Man, you'd think he'd be careful around the more sensitive areas of his body, defo the right decision to pack it in.

Euphemia Sat 31-Aug-13 13:28:28

On no account attempt to trot down the Fleshmarket Close steps drunk, following a major celebration of getting your degree results, for fear of twisting your ankle and having to phone in sick for the first day of your summer job. blush

Pawprint Sat 31-Aug-13 13:19:50

Whilst on holiday as a teen, don't get drunk with your brother in a Majorcan bar and attempt to steal glasses.

You will get caught by the manager and your unknowing parents will take you back to the bar the next night for dinner. You will be recognised by the boss and you and your confused-but-suspicious parents will be asked to leave.

Hmmm maybe just a wee bit Zigzag I wonder how long it'll be..... wink

This is the same man who managed to electrocute himself whilst drunkenly pissing on live electrics......

(So glad that he doesn't drink any more!)

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 13:04:19

Am I tempting fate to mention I've been waiting for someone to say what a bad example your DH is Tapir?

YouTheCat Sat 31-Aug-13 13:03:25

I once watched a flatmate from the halls window (I had been ill so was just sitting having a cuppa).

The students' union was across the carpark. She tottered her way across and almost made it back but got waylaid by a very aggressive hedge. The sight of her plummeting sideways with her legs sticking up out of that hedge will amuse me for the rest of my days. grin

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 13:02:33

How are you feeling OP?

Can you 'spell' any better today? wink

wonderingsoul Sat 31-Aug-13 13:00:30

that no matter how much your feet hurt do not take your shoes off as they just wont go back on.. esp when theres 4 inchs of snow and you have to walk home.

do not get in the shower when drunk in attempt to sober up when your on your own ... you end up half kneeling half slumped with an expensive water bill an dno hot water.

if a friend is helping you and looking after you and rubbing your back becasue your feeling very drunk... face away from them.. i ouked on her favourite sandles/feet.

most embarssing.. mid way through "happy time" with an ex after i had drunk a bit and not realizing how drunk i was i made a quick dash to the bathroom and threw up in the toielt , bles shis heart thouygh, he held my hair back and sorted me out with water .. before i managed to have a quick shower, brush my teeth and get back at it.
he still rib's me about that,

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