To expect my husband to sleep on the sofa?

(65 Posts)
PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 21:57:26

Every time he stays up past 1am?
He is a night owl. He goes to bed late often. He goes out to visit friends regularly and returns late. Sometimes he comes to bed at 3am, regularly between 1-2am. If he is not visiting friends he generally retires about 12:30am.

My sleep pattern is shocking. I have a 3.5yr old who gets into bed with us at around 5-6am. He now goes back to sleep if he comes in at 5am, but hasn't always done this. However, whether or not he sleeps again, I am mostly awake. Sometimes, he wakes at night. Up until recently this was regular. I have a 7yo who has always been an early riser, but a general good sleeper, but even she is not perfect and sometimes wakes needing a drink, has a bad dream.

I work 3.5 days a week; aim to start at 9am. I am nowadays awake at 6am, whether I work or not.

DH wakes me when he comes to bed at whatever random fucking time it might be. I often wake to find him not there, wonder what the time is (I can usually guess now, am pretty accurate, I seem to wake around 12-1am now). On those occasions, I wake, then I can't really get back to sleep again (partly cross that he hasn't come back, partly as I have broken my rem sleep or whatever it is). On the occasions I wake and get back to sleep, or sleep through, he wakes me, every single time he comes to bed. if he gets to bed past 1am and I am asleep he drags me out of my deep sleep, and that's my night fucked. It takes an hour to get back to sleep now and 2am -3am, means like 2 hours before my DS gets in with us.

So, my sleep is just all over the place. Am I being unreasonable to want my DH to a) come to bed at the same time as me occasionally? b) sleep on the sofa when he is not coming to bed at a respectable time?

His arguments are this:
a) I go to bed too early (9-10pm generally, but sometimes stay up. I don't expect him to be in bed at 9pm, but the nights I stay up to 11pm is relatively reasonable no?
b) he has always done this, it's not new, so I should be used to this. Why should he change ? because you have fucking responsibilities now. because I can't while the day away in bed to manage a slight broken sleep at 2am at the weekends like I used to.

This evening he has got really pissed off about it. I asked if he was going to be in bed late again (1am last night). He does not think last night was late, and that it was ok even if it was, because he got up with the children. So, it's ok to disturb my nights, as long as you get up with the children occasionally? But my night is still broken! He got stroppy when I challenged his doing as he pleased thing and breaking up my sleep. 'i'll sleep on the sofa then'. But, he acts like this is a sort of martydom type thing, but I have said to him for ages he needs to sleep on the sofa if he is home past 1am.

I am so desperate for a reasonable nights sleep. I go to bed at 9pm these days just to stand a vague chance that I might get 5 hours sleep without being woken. I long for 7 hours with no waking up. I long for it, yet also resign myself to it never happening ever again.

<sigh> AIBU?

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:21:14

bowlers his job is a result of his sleep pattern. It's why he works in the industry he does, as he doesn't like 9-5. That is an excuse he uses.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 22:22:14

Pavlov - YANBU - not even one tiny bit. There's no way I'd have let this go on for so long, seriously, I'd be doing time by now.

I would put the kids in one room and make another one up for him.

He might want to sleep with you, but he wont fit into your routine or even a vaguely reasonable routine... so tough luck.

You need sleep & he needs to respect that.

StephenFrySaidSo Fri 30-Aug-13 22:22:44

if you do decide to stay in the same room I would have to come to an agreement that he wouldn't turn on lights/audio books/laptops/radios or anything really- ask him to get changed in the bathroom so he is literally just coming in and getting into bed. no hoking in drawers or aythiung. this would be my compromise if he insists on coming in so late.

jumpingpillows Fri 30-Aug-13 22:23:10

ear plugs?

dreamingofsun Fri 30-Aug-13 22:23:35

pavlova - fateric (or might be fatairic - long time sinced i bought mine) camping mat, thats what you need. 5cm one. then you can sleep wherever you like. i still think if you had a decent nights sleep on working nights you would be ok then and could compromise a bit on other nights as you wouldn't be so tierd

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 30-Aug-13 22:25:02

My dh has made it clear that separate beds is never an option for him. He wants to sleep next to me and I want to sleep next to him. This means that we are considerate towards each other to make sure we are both getting enough sleep. I'm heavily pregnant and so at the minute he has about 40% of the bed and me and my pregnancy pillow get the rest!

He also gets up really early so is as quiet as possible so not to wake me. In return I come to bed when he goes so I don't disturb him coming in later than him and make sure I don't wake him on his days off so he can catch up on sleep.

I think yanbu. If he wants to sleep with you he needs to be more considerate, otherwise he needs to look into other options with you because all this is leading to is resentment.

comingalongnicely Fri 30-Aug-13 22:25:30

Tell him to stop being a selfish twat!

Lovely, he could say the same about her - if he goes to bed at 9 (*9*) or 10 he's quite likely to lie there twitching & pissing her off. Shift work buggers you up like that, it's not being a twat.

There's no way he should be made to sleep on the sofa because that'll degrade whatever sleep he does get & mean that he'll then be knackered for work, or more importantly, the drive to and from work.

Are earplugs an option OP?

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:25:47

maybe i should just take some sleeping pills. then i would sleep through anything grin

bowlers and no he pulls his weight. his sleep doesn't mean he is crap at everything, he does his fair share (well, maybe not quite his fair share but that's a whole other thread wink) of the housework, does his share of childrearing etc. but, his sleep pattern is so out of sync with mine. It's not even like I can just adapt to his instead of him adapting to mine, as I still have to get up with the children most mornings, or for work, and I still get my DS mauling me with kisses and cuddles at 5am and talking at me non-stop, so it won't work.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:27:07

coming for that very reason, is why I was clear in my OP that ^I do not expect him to come to bed at 9pm.

There are two reasons DH would ever be in bed at 9pm. 1. to have sex and 2. because he is sick. I am not expecting that to ever change.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:28:01

coming I drive him to, and from work most of the time grin.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 22:28:09

Pavlov - I am a lot like your DH. I stay up far too late, I don't need much sleep (thank god) and I would hate to have to go to bed before I was ready or not be able to read etc I would also choose shifts like your DH if I was in a position to because I like the variance BUT I accept that is my 'weird way' and either adapt to the other persons routine or sleep elsewhere. It is not a habit that is reasonable to inflict on someone else, especially when that someone else is your wife who is up with your children in the night and in the mornings.

(I am also like you in that I struggle to go back to sleep & someone else staying up bothers me)

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:29:04

and he is not working tomorrow. or sunday. or monday. and he didn't work today. so, can he sleep on the sofa now if it doesn't affect his work? grin

StephenFrySaidSo Fri 30-Aug-13 22:29:25

slight tangent- why is he visiting friends so much?

Bowlersarm Fri 30-Aug-13 22:29:44

I am sympathising with you. I need my sleep too, and you have young DC in the mix, mine are older now.

I was about to suggest what you suggested in the first place that he comes to bed at a reasonable time, that he doesn't wake you when he comes to bed, or he sleeps elsewhere. So I've gone round in circles!

YANBU and he needs to compromise and chose.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:31:20

chippin I am figuring out I need much less sleep than I thought too grin it's the broken sleep I can't bear. I have a horrible groggy headache when I wake in the mornings and need a zillion coffees to get me moving when I have had broken sleep.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:33:47

stephen because they are there, not far away. and he <whispers> does roleplay. No, before you ask, that doesn't involve kinky dressing and pretending to be someones biatch grin. It's like D&D, he has played it for years with the same group of friends, they have characters they have played for many years. It's escapism for them like their real world is a bit shit or something Or, he plays x-box games.

mashpot Fri 30-Aug-13 22:33:56

Gosh, I think you're being very unfair and probably unreasonable. My DH works shifts. It's a pain in the arse but that's his job. Tonight he went to bed at 9.30 (great, no company for me on a Friday night!) but on days when he finishes at 11pm and gets home at midnight I can see he needs to sit up for an hour and unwind.

He is very quiet coming to bed but sometimes I do wake up. Tough shit really, I'd rather that than him be out of work and no way would I make him sleep on the sofa - we both have to work and both deserve to share the bed.

I think you need to work on some techniques of your own for getting back to sleep rather than seething with your husband.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:36:58

bowlers that's what I want to do, for him to either come to bed at a reasonable time, or sleep on the sofa. And reasonable would be 12-1am (not 9pm!) then, I stand a change of getting 4-5 straight hours sleep even if he disturbs me, with a total of 7 hours broken if I go to bed at 10pm, 8 if I go to bed at 9pm (I am awake by 6am, but really, I am awake by 5am and sort of toss and turn and complain to myself for an hour grin)

Thepursuitofhappiness Fri 30-Aug-13 22:37:17

Tell him he must sort out his headphones etc before he comes into the room so you have less chance of fully waking. That is a reAsonable demand to make.

MrsHoarder Fri 30-Aug-13 22:38:21

Most mornings dh gets up before me. He tiptoes out of the bedroom in the dark and dresses on the landing. Could your dh agree a deal where he sleeps on the sofa or comes to bed quietly on the dark?

Puts the ball back in his court.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:39:27

mashpot my DH works around 3-4 shifts a week max, so, it's not like his sleep pattern evolves around his shifts. If he finished at 11pm he stays up til 1/2/3am. If he finishes at 5pm, he stays up til 1/2/3am. So, actually his sleep is not much to do with his work pattern.

If he is out of work (and he has been), his sleep pattern is worse as at least on some days he goes to bed at 12:30am at the moment grin

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:41:52

mrshooarder to be fair to him, he does try to be quiet. He doesn't come in pissed up clattering and trying to have conversations with me (he used to try to have conversations with me if I said goodnight to him, as he would be like 'oh, you're awake!' but he now knows that talking to me in the night is a Bad Idea). He gets undressed outside the room and doesn't turn his light on, but he will put his phone on to charge and fart about with settings on audio account etc, sometimes I have to ask him to turn it down, that kind of thing.

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:43:34

talking of sleep, I got to go get some, he is seeing a friend who has been away for several weeks, so his response to when he will get back is 'not sure'. It might even be as late as 4am today/tomorrow. And although he stropped off saying he will sleep on the sofa, I am not sure he will.

acer12 Fri 30-Aug-13 22:44:06

coming ops dh is 'degrading' ops sleep but that's ok? (Hmm)
It is about consideration. If he chooses to go bed late ect he should do it in a manner that it dosnt effect anybody op or kids. I think you really need to sit down and talk it through, it sounds like there is a few issues any way.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 22:44:28

You aren't being unreasonable. Not at all.

He chooses this job to suit his desire not to fit in with the norms. Fair enough.

He chooses to stay out and play games/socialise. Fair enough (as you are happy with this too).

He chooses to stay up watching films/playing games etc instead of trying to get into some pattern. Fair enough.

The price he has to pay for all of those fairly selfish choices are that he has to sleep elsewhere and not disturb your sleep.

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