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AIBU?

To think i should have met her by now

58 replies

DizzyZebra · 30/08/2013 21:01

Brief outline

DD is from my previous relationship. She lives with her Dad, private arrangement, quite happy with this as it means a better education for her and she also has additional needs.

I have my son (2) with my partner and i am expecting number 3, currently 6 months pregnant.

Ex has a partner, They got together some time in 2011. Married last year, newly expecting a baby.

I've never met this woman. I've never even spoken to her (I have tried).

Is this normal? AIBU to be miffed that i haven't met her?

Ex and i don't get on, he likes to exaggerate things and has implied that he is in someway frightened of me physically (I have no idea why, i have never been violent, and he is much bigger and stronger than me and capable of restraining me anyway as he has proven in the past when i ran off from him once).

Since october 2011 we have had two disagreements regarding his wife. The first when he told me about the relationship. I was on the toilet having contractions pre term with my son when he decided to contact me to tell me this all important ground breaking news - I really do not know why he did this, he knew how far i was as i had reminded him the day before that i was at the stage things started with our daughter. He knew i was highly stressed about another premature birth. So when he contacted me bothering me i swore at him quite a lot. I did apologise later.

The second was around a year later, so almost a year ago now. After waiting for over a year to be introduced or acknowledged, I tried to contact his wife, and found something i didn't like online and i had a bit of a gob off at him for it. I did later apologise and explained that i was feeling insecure about the whole situation and i accepted i should have handled it better.

We had a disagreement at a hospital appointment but that was nothing to do with his wife, That was to do with him pushing me over and generally acting like a brat.

Would you expect to have had some form of contact by now? Even just an email?

My partner feels it is weird and he feels a bit, i don't know the word, But he doesn't feel they've been very fair, given we were open and honest with my ex and ensured he had the opportunity to know who his daughter spends time with, My partner introduced himself to my ex etc.

I don't expect her to be my new best friend or have any sort of relationship but i just feel odd that i know nothing about her. I only know her real name because his brother has mentioned it, My ex encourages our daughter to use some sort of pet name for her, and ex refers to her the same in any email where he has mentioned her (Like when he told me they were in a relationship).

AIBU?

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DizzyZebra · 30/08/2013 21:02

Sorry, should point out the additional needs thing - I'm not happy she lives with him because she has additional needs, i'm happy she gets a better education as it helps immensely with her needs. She wouldn't get the same level of input where i live for them.

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SeaSickSal · 30/08/2013 21:10

YABU. You have had two bouts of contact with him over his new partner and both of them appear to have involved you giving him a mouth full of abuse.

Given that I can understand why he is reluctant for you to have contact as he may feel that his new partner will also be on the receiving end of a mouthful of abuse.

As you say she is pregnant, so I don't blame him for wanting to protect her from any stress. Given the fact that the last two times you have tackled the subject it's ended in abuse, arguments and recrimination I don't blame the bloke.

Sorry, I think you only really have yourself to blame here.

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SeaSickSal · 30/08/2013 21:12

Incidentally the 'trying to contact' his wife online and seeing something you didn't like. That does sound like cyber stalking. I am not surprised he is freaked out.

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comingalongnicely · 30/08/2013 21:13

YABU for the reasons already given above. If I was your ex I'd keep my distance too...

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marriedinwhiteisback · 30/08/2013 21:13

So, both times her name has come up you have sounded off in an uncontrolled way. Your dd lives with her dad and this is for the best. They don't use the woman's real name in front of you. Are they right to be frightened?

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LEMisdisappointed · 30/08/2013 21:15

He physically assaulted you and you let your DD live with him? Shock

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froken · 30/08/2013 21:20

Yabu. Have you or could you ask your dd about her step mother?

It sounds like you have done lots of shouting and not much worrying about your dd. Do you have any concerns specifically or are you just not dealing with your ex moving on?

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JessePinkmansBitch · 30/08/2013 21:20

Bloody hell to be fair to the OP the first time she sounded off she was having premature contractions whilst he decided to suddenly lay it on her. And has since apologised. He has also physically restrained her when she tried to run away from him and pushed her over. I think I'd be giving him a verbal mouthful too!

In reply to your question OP I think it is weird you haven't met her. But I would now leave it until she's had the baby and the baby is a few months old. Just because you're not likely to get anywhere.

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DizzyZebra · 30/08/2013 21:23

LEM - I don't think he meant to push me over. I went over to him to ask if he was ok (He looked upset) and he stood up and flounced out of the room and knocked me over. This was after DD went to live with him.

Sal - I just wanted to introduce myself, i'd waited over a year without saying anything or complaining or anything.

I don't know why he would be frightened of me. I've never been violent. I'm not a violent person. I'm not really capable of it, i'd do more damage to myself if i tried to hurt someone!

He has told other people i've been violent when i haven't though. I don't know if he's told her anything like that as i said i haven't spoken to her.

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waltermittymissus · 30/08/2013 21:24

I don't know...

Twice it's been brought up and twice you given him abuse?

Ok, so you apologised afterwards but still, it wouldn't exactly instil a desire for you too meet or speak would it?

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DizzyZebra · 30/08/2013 21:26

Froken - I haven't shouted?! I just swore when i was having contractions and he was bothering me, TBF I swore at my mum and OH and a random traffic light on the way to hospital too, i hardly think this incident makes me a nutter, and the other one i did apologise and accept i was in the wrong, i apologised quite a lot actually!

I dont have any concerns, i never said i did, I just feel a bit weird that i dont know her and wondered if its the done thing to be introduced.

My daughter seems to like her from what she says.

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LEMisdisappointed · 30/08/2013 21:28

Ok, sorry OP.

I don't think i would be comfortable about my child living with someone i haven't met.

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DizzyZebra · 30/08/2013 21:29

Thanks JEsse - I have no intention of bringing it up with them or anything like that. I just wondered if its weird. I don't know any other single parents so i don't know how things are done.

I was 18 when my dad got a new partner so it was a bit different.

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waltermittymissus · 30/08/2013 21:31

I don't think i would be comfortable about my child living with someone i haven't met

Nor would I.

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MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 30/08/2013 21:31

YABU

It sounds like he's acted unreasonably and he certainly doesn't sound blameless but you are being unreasonable to expect to meet his wife, there are clearly issues between you all so perhaps the distance is for the best but either way it's her prerogative

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mumofweeboys · 30/08/2013 21:32

Surely if you play a significant role in your daughters life he should have introduced her to you around the same time as he introduced her to your daughter.

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Fraxinus · 30/08/2013 21:34

I would want to be introduced. Definately. As soon as the new woman was seeing my kids, and definately before she moved in to be frank. I think it is weird that it hasn't happened, but I would have insisted at the start, not waited a year. But then I haven't been through this yet, so maybe I am unrealistic.

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waltermittymissus · 30/08/2013 21:36

You can't really insist though, that's the thing.

Especially when you're the NRP.

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DizzyZebra · 30/08/2013 21:39

I'm not insisting anything.

I just wondered if it was weird. Like i said, i'm not planning on bringing it up. I just wondered if it was weird to not have even spoken to her or anything.

I don't know why he does the name thing, it might be nothing to do with me and just be what he does, he never called me by my first name until we split up. I can't explain it without being specific and i don't really want to as i use this to be anonymous as he and his family have looked things up about me in the past so i worry a bit.

His brother and his Dad use her first name. (I'm friendly with his brother, we email sometimes, he was supportive of me in my pregnancy with DD when ex left and didnt tell his family i was pregnant).

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SeaSickSal · 30/08/2013 21:40

I know you say that it was just to introduce yourself. But look at it from your exes point of view.

He gets a phonecall out of the blue of you mouthing off at him about something you have seen about his new partner online.

Now you may say that you were innocently looking for her to introduce yourself (which would be a bit weird anyway TBH) but to your ex it is going to look like you have been sitting online desperately searching for something to complain about. If an ex did that to me I would find it very hard to believe that it was an innocent one off.

Also the incident with the contractions, yes that's understandable, you could have got away with that. But when the second contact on the issue was also very dodgy I really can understand your exes reluctance to introduce you.

And you must know her real name if you could look her up.

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Jan49 · 30/08/2013 21:42

There isn't really any need for you to meet her, but if there's ever an event where you will all need to be present, then you'll end up meeting her then.

It sounds like you've made a bad impression on her by your behaviour each time there's been any contact about her so she probably believes what he says about you being violent and doesn't want to meet you. (Did you actually answer the phone whilst on the toilet having contractions???) So personally I think I'd leave things as they are.

I'm divorced and my ex has remarried. I felt it was best if I met his new partner as I didn't want the first time we met to be at a special event for ds where it might seem awkward. We arranged for me to go round to their house briefly and chat to her. But neither she nor my ex have much to do with our ds.

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comingalongnicely · 30/08/2013 21:44

I don't think he has to introduce anybody to the OP.

They're Ex's, his life is nothing to do with her & vice versa apart from where they cross in regards to the DD.

He may honestly just not want to mix his old & new lives, is that wrong?

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DizzyZebra · 30/08/2013 21:46

Sal - Sorry i'm not explaining very well.

I know her name yeah, i said that. His brother mentioned it and his family use it. It's only him i've heard refer to her with this pet name.

I don't know whether thats to do with me or just what he does, He never called me by my real name either.

I just put her name in thats all and the first thing that came up upset me a bit.

She'd put these pictures of my daughter up saying about her being her baby and how much she looked like her etc and it upset me. As i said i was (And am really but thats my own issue i know) quite insecure about the situation. I felt like they were replacing me.

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BoneyBackJefferson · 30/08/2013 21:47

because you say you wouldn't be violent doesn't mean that he can't be scared of you physically.

TBH from what you have pasted I'm not surprised that you haven't been introduced.

to those saying "I don't think i would be comfortable about my child living with someone i haven't met", he is the resident parent.

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froken · 30/08/2013 21:52

If your dd is happy then I really don't see tge problem. As your dd's primary carer I think you need to trust yourex's opinion.

I don't understand how it is going to benefit your dd you meeting tge new step mum. It sounds more like it is your desire for control.

You shouldn't have answered tge phone to your ex whilst having contractions and you shouldn't have looked ex's new wife up online.

Why not write her a letter?

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