To think if my child is friends with your child, it doesn't mean we have to be best friends too...

(40 Posts)
Fakebook Tue 27-Aug-13 17:29:06

I'm getting to the end of my tether with this, and it's getting to the point where I've had enough and want to stop all contact.

Dd made a good friend in school last year. I thought it was great and it was really sweet how they both always held hands and ran to each other for a hug every morning. I still think its great, and am happy for dd and the girl.

Now the annoying part is that the girl's mother thinks she has to be my best friend too. I'm an introvert and I've tried really hard for the sake of dd to meet this woman with my toddler and dd for days out and about. She wants me to go on day trips with her to places like the zoo or beach and I have done a few times but I gradually realised we were spending less and less time with dh on the weekends because of this.

What also annoys me is that I'm always the one inviting the girl around our house. Dd never gets an invite. When I invite the girl, her mother thinks its an open invitation to her and her toddler too. She's even said things like "you never invite me around for a coffee...so I invited her around for coffee and lunch on a school day. Then during the school holidays she again said "you haven't invited us around at all during the summer" because she found out I'd invited one of my Dd's other school friends around for a play. You don't say things like this to someone do you?

Then when I tell her I have friends coming around (I only have a few good friends that I've known my whole life) she'll make comments like "who's that then?" Or if she sees me talking to another mum at the school gates she'll ask me afterwards "who's that you were talking to then?". Or if dd gets a party invite or a play invitation she starts making bitchy comments about the other child's mum and how they're bitches for not inviting her dd.

A few days ago she phoned and asked if I wanted to go to soft play and then back to hers for lunch, I was shocked but said yes. Today (this is why I've started this thread) I've been asked to go out to the park tomorrow instead if the weather was nice. I said no thanks because my SPD is getting worse and last time I went out with her and the children I was in pain for days so can't run after DS in open spaces. Her reply "but you'll be getting on the big slide with Your son anyway, so it can't be that bad" hmm. I told her that I wont be climbing any big slide with him over and over unless he gets stuck and I can generally leave him to entertain himself. It's like she was trying to imply I'm lying.

It may not sound annoying to you, but I like being a loner and I'm feeling suffocated with her constant calls and messages. Maybe I'm overreacting, but really you don't have to be friends with your children's parents do you?

Sorry for the epic post.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 27-Aug-13 17:29:27

Yanbu.

mathanxiety Tue 27-Aug-13 17:36:57

YANBU and actually, it is very sensible to look outside of your DCs' friends parents for your friends. (If you look anywhere for friends, that is. It's perfectly ok to be an introvert [disclaimer: biased opinion]).

That way, when the children's friendships go tits up (as they are wont to do as childhood progresses, and often with plenty of tears and acrimony) you are not left praying you won't bump into So and So's mother, scanning streets and carparks carefully so as to cross the street if you see her.

Your pushy pal sounds like someone who hasn't grasped some of the subtleties that make the world go round. Keep on saying 'no thanks' and good luck with the spd.

snowmummy Tue 27-Aug-13 17:48:14

YANBU - her behaviour is demanding and needy. She doesn't seem to understand boundaries. I'd steer well clear.

jenniuol Tue 27-Aug-13 17:55:45

Yanbu. This would drive me crazy.

Charlottehere Tue 27-Aug-13 17:58:08

Yanbu

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 27-Aug-13 17:59:49

She sounds lonely and awkward. You don't have to be friends with her, but be nice about it. Just tell her you are busy, she'll get the message.
Some people just aren't good at these things, be kind, imagine what its like to be her.

Fakebook Tue 27-Aug-13 18:01:57

Phew. I thought a part of me somewhere was being rude if I declined an invitation or didn't invite her around which is why I've tried my best to get along with her and meet her as much as possible but this has been going long enough now. 11 months to be exact. A small part of me is happy that her dd isn't in my Dd's class next year. Maybe their friendship will fizzle out?

SparkleToffee Tue 27-Aug-13 18:03:14

YANBU Why can't the DC play together without all tge parents being involved ? Her DC could come round for tea one day and then arrange for your DD to go there another time ? ...... I know you said she doesn't invite yours round but when she next invites you all somewhere could you not say you can't but DD could come to hers if her child wants tk play with her ?

WorraLiberty Tue 27-Aug-13 18:04:09

YANBU

My Mum was never friends with any of mine or my sibling's friend's parents.

She had 5 kids and didn't have time for that shit

I've got 3 and don't have time for it either

Don't get me wrong I'm quite fond of one or two of them, but I've never felt the need to be 'friends' with people just because our kids are friends.

cushtie335 Tue 27-Aug-13 18:04:25

I've been you OP, YANBU. This woman became very demanding of my time and questioned and criticised all my other friendships to try and alienate some very good people from my life. Fortunately it didn't work. Our DDs are still peripheral mates but I have nothing to do with her any more.

SubliminalMassaging Tue 27-Aug-13 18:05:38

YANBU. She sounds a pain in the arse. It's tough when your children are friends. I have a similar situation and it really grinds me down. If it were not for the DCs it would be easy to never see her at all.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 18:08:24

oh yes yes feel for you. never ever get too friendly with parents if kids friends.

mothers and fathers like this are living their lives through their children's social lives and when the kids fall out it move on these parents take it badly.

they are usually the ones who are far too interested in the day to day friendships of all the children in their child's class/ group and interfere on face book, stay at parties to be ' down with the kids' or knock your door to demand why their little poppy wasn't asked to a sleepover and she's crying right now.

steer clear steer clear.

SenoritaViva Tue 27-Aug-13 18:16:32

I made a great friend when I moved here and as a result our daughter's became best friends. The mum and I get on incredibly well and do stuff outside of just meeting up with the kids. I'm telling you this because frankly I'd be pissed off if she behaved like that and I'm happy with her friendship. I often have just her dd over (they are now 6). This woman sounds a pain.

Doubtfuldaphne Tue 27-Aug-13 18:23:41

Pushy people..urgh! I am just like you - I like my own space and never understood the cliques at the school gates.
I get on with my life and don't want the extra hassle of playground politics!
I am sure it will fizzle out when the new term starts as you won't see her so much and your dd will make new friends.
Keep saying your busy. Don't worry about hurting her feelings.. She needs to learn some social skills!

mathanxiety Tue 27-Aug-13 18:24:52

YYY Worra -- I never had time for that malarkey either. I made it clear if a child came over that the parent and younger siblings would not be accompanying them - 'I have a houseful here with the five of them and I will be getting on with all the stuff I have to get done while they play. I won't be laying on any special entertainment and serving our regular dinner, so if Penelope is happy to just muck in with the tribe she is most welcome next Xday and you can pick her up after dinner, say around 7 [and smile brightly]'

Sillysarah49 Tue 27-Aug-13 18:28:55

YABU. You sound really weird and unfriendly. This woman sounds completely normal and just wants to be friendly. This is what normal people do in my experience. Fine if you don't want to be sociable thats you choice - but don't make a thing of other people being friendly. As you said you are a loner.

Fakebook Tue 27-Aug-13 18:32:59

Omg thebody, you are spot on with the staying at parties thing! I'm holding Dd's birthday party a month early as I'm due around Dd's actual birthday and this woman is already planning on staying! I had to spell it out to her that I'm only having 5 of Dd's friends around and no parents as I won't be in a physical position to host parents along with children. Then she made some kind of comment about how I've snubbed her and her toddler dd. she was saying it in a jokey way, but I know she meant it.

Also, she moaned and whined for weeks about how our Dd's weren't put in the same class for this year. I didn't really care as I know dd would make new friends, but yes, I did wonder why she was so sad about it.

I didn't realise there are "this type" of people!

MichaelBubleBath Tue 27-Aug-13 18:39:28

sillysarah There is a huge difference between being friendly/sociable and then trying to take over your life with constant plans, texts, calls, weekend intrusions etc It is like the difference between farting and shitting yourself. The friend who is this demanding rapidly finds herself out of friends willing to put up with the constant requests because noone likes being told what to do all the time and having boundaries overstepped.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 27-Aug-13 18:45:11

Fakebook you don't sound at all weird or unfriendly.
This woman sounds pushy and socially inept with no idea of boundaries.
It's not friendly or normal to behave like that.

Jinty64 Tue 27-Aug-13 18:45:54

Sillysarah are you the "friend".

YANBU. I have 3 ds's (17, 15 and 7) and, over the years, have only become good friends with one mother, the parent of a friend of ds1's. The boys went their seperate ways when they went to secondary (and had little in common long before that) but we have remained friends. I have had lots of children to play over the years and have had the odd coffee when dropping off/picking up and an occasional soft play meet up but, my children's friends parents are not my friends.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 27-Aug-13 18:46:22

Love your analogy Michael grin

Mintyy Tue 27-Aug-13 18:48:33

Unfortunately there are some people who lack social skills and don't pick up on clues or vibes given off by other people. If you don't want to see so much of her then you will need to be a bit more direct. I understand that its frustrating when people want more from you than you are willing or able to give, but I think there is something a bit mean about your posts tbh.

Next time you have her dd over why not say "I think your dd knows us well enough to come on her own this time, don't you?" If she says no, she'll come as well with her toddler, then say "oh I was just thinking of a small date for dd and your dd, we don't all need to get together every time?" etc.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 18:49:44

oh yes Facebook they are a whole species. leaches so beware and woman up now😄😄

Michael love love the comment.

PoppyWearer Tue 27-Aug-13 18:53:47

YANBU

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