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AIBU?

to feel inferior and ashamed

59 replies

utreas · 23/08/2013 21:18

I went out for a meal with my younger sister and brother tonight and the difference between them and me is so stark. Everything from their attitudes to their clothes shouts success whilst in comparison I looked like frumpy no-mark. When it came to choosing the food and wine they both wanted really expensive steaks and a really pricey bottle of wine whilst I have to be more modest (we?re not on the breadline but we?re not wealthy either). In the conversation sis is looking at buying a new car and was talking about how she wants to get an A1 whilst I drive a banger and bro is looking at renting a city centre penthouse apartment whilst I live in a house that badly needs renovating. Sis is a successful recruitment consultant and bro has just graduated but already got a marketing executive job and it just seems that they have made so much more of themselves and their lives than I have (the best job I?ve ever had was as an admin assistant).
It goes further because they are now both planning a trip to the World Cup in Brazil and so that will be another great experience that I won?t have. We all grew up in the same house and had the same opportunity but they have made such a better fist of it and in comparison I feel inferior and I?m quite ashamed when I think about it.

OP posts:

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SlobAtHome · 23/08/2013 21:27

Oh I feeeeeeeel this pain!!

My two siblings are also FAR more successful, but finally I have got us on our feet and things are going well. Maybe I am common and poor in their eyes (they would never say this btw) but I know that things are looking up for us and I have plenty of time to improve things.

You can't be that old OP so what are you worrying about? :) Cheesy as it sounds, enjoy what you DO have, which I am sure it lots in many ways!

utreas · 23/08/2013 21:29

Slobathome- I'm 31 so I'm not exactly young.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 23/08/2013 21:30

I kind of feel the same when meeting with my DSis. I love her to bits, but she has been way more organised and lucky in her life than I have in mine.

She has nearly paid off her mortgage, her three DC are all grown and contributing to the house. She married DBil at age 19 and is still with him.

I have never got a mortgage, I have been married twice and now live with the father of my two youngish DC.

We are both happy with our lot though, so competativeness does not really come in to it!!

MammaTJ · 23/08/2013 21:32

Bah, 31, plenty of time to improve your life if you are disatisfied with it!!

Kleptronic · 23/08/2013 21:34

Hoi! You are inferior to nobody. That is all.

utreas · 23/08/2013 21:35

MammaTJ- We're not competitive but I just feel so awful in comparison

OP posts:

catsoup · 23/08/2013 21:36

Never feel ashamed because you don't have what they do. You are your own person and everything else is just materialistic shite.

Yeah it would be nice to have trips away and fancy homes but it doesn't mean anything really. I bet you've got a lot more going for you than you think.

Kleptronic · 23/08/2013 21:36

Sorry, that wasn't helpful. But true.

Thurlow · 23/08/2013 21:37

I know what you mean, there are some friends I can't help but compare myself negatively too.

Jobs and clothes and cars are not the most important thing in the world.

If there is something you feel strongly about - I notice you say "frumpy" - could you focus on that to make yourself feel better? The S&B threads on here are great. If you feel badly dressed compared to them (and I know I do compared to some of my friends) then would you feel better if you focused on getting some new clothes?

Nagoo · 23/08/2013 21:38

Comparison is the thief of joy.

If they are so driven then they probably will not be content with what they have got either.

If you can be contented with what you have then you will be doing alright eh? And if you aren't think what you need to do to change things?

utreas · 23/08/2013 21:42

Thurlow- Its not that I think I dress frumpily but sis had a designer dress and heels on and my brother had a sharp suit with tie and hankerchief so I looked a very poor relation

OP posts:

SilverSixpence · 23/08/2013 21:43

I'm 30 and still feel young

Focus on what you like about your life, and change the things you don't (without comparing). Things like buying expensive clothes/food etc don't necessarily bring happiness but you have to feel good about yourself so think about how you can do this.

Enb76 · 23/08/2013 21:46

You have no reason to feel inferior or worthless, your life just took a different path. Think of all the things in life you do have rather than looking at the things you don't.

If you are dissatisfied with your life then do something about it but don't waste your time being envious of someone else's.

Fuzzysnout · 23/08/2013 21:49

Don't feel bad or compare yourself to others. What are you happy about with your life and what things would you like to improve? (because you would like to alter them, not because you think someone else is doing it better).

For what it's worth I had a similar moment this evening. A friend I went to school with updated her FB status, campaigning about poor healthcare, saying she was lucky enough to be able to pay for better care which she felt everyone should be able to have access to. It really hit home as I've got a very serious illness & no hope of paying for the best treatments (she doesnt know this BTW).

At 31 you're so young. Please change your life now if you're not happy. I won't get the chance. You sound thoughtful & nice - don't compare yourself to others. It's not all about money. Good luck.

BrianTheMole · 23/08/2013 21:50

There are always people who have more than you and always people who have less. Don't use this as an indicator of success, you will never be happy if you do as you will always be striving for the unachievable. Focus on the good things in your life and work towards things that will make you happy. Comparing yourself to others will not make you happy. Be proud and content for who you are. You are not inferior to anyone else and you certainly shouldn't feel ashamed for having fewer material possessions than someone else.

luanmahi · 23/08/2013 21:57

I was an admin assistant until I was 28 then got a marketing exec job. I don't have a marketing degree, I was just in the right place at the right time. It always seemed a really glamorous from the outside but actually it's not that different to being an admin assistant - answering and sending emails, updating spreadsheets, etc. I've been doing it for 8 years (well 7 really as I had a year off on mat leave) and now want to do something else. At 31 you can easily choose to do something else with your life.

The things you feel inferior about are the trappings of wealth and it's not worth feeling inferior about that. You can have nice clothes without going designer.

Stop comparing yourself to them and just concentrate on enjoying the company of your loved ones.

utreas · 23/08/2013 21:58

I know money and stuff isn't everything but I couldn't help but feel bad. As for changing I've got no chance of matching them as they are in a different stratosphere to me.

OP posts:

currentbuns · 23/08/2013 22:00

My siblings are both much richer than me. One, in particular, is absolutely rolling in it - he possibly makes ten times my combined income with dh. But he is a bad-tempered self-important so&so with a long-suffering wife. Cliche though it may be, there really is more to life than money. Focus on the important things that you have some control over - your relationships, your health, what you do in your spare time. There are bound to be things about you that your siblings admire or envy.

BrianTheMole · 23/08/2013 22:01

You know, at 31 you are still very young. What is it you would want to do if you had a choice?

SlobAtHome · 23/08/2013 22:03

Op, 31 is young, you're not allowed to retire for over an other of your life times! That sounds like time to me :o

Thurlow · 23/08/2013 22:03

Oh, ok - well, in that case, I bet they actually looked twattish!

I have a friend who works in fashion. She wears things that to me look fashionable and 'cool'. DP always looks at her and says "she'd look much better in some nice jeans and a t-shirt"

ThingsThatGoHumpInTheNight · 23/08/2013 22:10

Oh OP, your post makes me ....I am the most successful of 6 siblings and I am happy...but the thing trays worries me is my siblings doing this. I love them for who they are, not what they have. I am more successful by virtue of a lot of luck and I never judge them, I just want them to be happy and loved and fulfilled...who gives a shit about houses, cars, money...the most important thing is family

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utreas · 23/08/2013 22:26

currentbuns- I can't think of a single thing that they would envy about my life tbh.

OP posts:

StElmo · 24/08/2013 01:00

Since when is 31 'not exactly young' you're not even middle aged!

Monty27 · 24/08/2013 01:10

I feel for you. Don't compare yourself to them, be glad for what they have, hopefully they will be generous

I'm skint. But I'm not frumpy. We do skint and not frumpy on here. Love yourself.

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