DD Smoking

[Oliviafoster]

So I joined mums net to get advice. Basically, my 15 y.o. DD tried smoking when she was 12. I caught her and told her to stop. For a while things were fine, but on her 14th birthday I caught her smoking in her room and since then I know she's been smoking when out with friends. I've tried to stop her but failed and now she's addicted. We do get along quite well, but the other day she came to me and asked if she was ok to smoke in her bedroom. I told her no, and since we have had a huge row. I know I will get much hate, but AIBU to allow her to smoke? I think maybe if I allow her to do it, she will not care as much about it as it becomes less rebellious. I'd much rather her smoke in the house and quit at a later date, than smoke god knows where with god knows who. AIBU?

[BuskersCat]

Yes YABU, you are her mother, you cannot condone her smoking at all. Does she work? How does she buy them?

[HeySoulSister]

make her go outside!! smoking indoors isn't acceptable anywhere

[HeySoulSister]

buskers doesn't matter if her cash supply is cut off,theres other ways to obtain it. better ime that you control it. especially as op is lucky enough to have an ok relationship with her dd to start with

could she try electronic cigarettes?

[LittleBearPad]

Don't let her smoke in your house; if she really must smoke then she'll have to go outside.

Why make it easy for her?

How is she paying for cigarettes. Don't increase her allowance to enable her to afford them.

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

No no no no. Please do not 'allow' your daughter to smoke.

My dd wants chocolate doughnuts for dinner every night. And she asks relentlessly every night. My life would be soooooo much easier if I said yes, but her life would be sooooo much shorter if i said yes.

This is honestly what I'd do in your situation. And i may sound overly strict.

I'd tell her head of year/teacher about my concerns.

I'd request my dd to attend a meeting with a guidance teacher/councilor.

I'd take my dd to school and pick her up (or put her into an after school care who would do this for me).

I'd not allow her any money for school. Packed lunches all the way.

If she wants money for something (magazine etc), I'd give her some but then ask for a receipt to account for the expense.

i'd ground her each time I discovered she was smoking. Give her punishments such as extra chores.

If after three times, she's still doing it, I'd simply not allow her out anymore without my supervision.

If you give in to this, she'll think she owns you. This is a boundary you can't allow her to pass or you'll be opening yourself up for a hell of a lot worse.

[Oliviafoster]

She works part time as a waitress, and I thought about stopping this but since she started working there she has become much more responsible and has achieved better grades at school. Does anyone think IABU if I tell her she can smoke in the house, but she has got to agree to try and quit as well?

[Remotecontrolduck]

Definitely make her go outside if she really must.

I detest smoking but there's nothing you can do if they're determined at 15, you're deluding yourself if you think you can stop it entirely.

I'd let her know I will be there for her when she wants to quit though, and have stuff ready. Again, no point lecturing on the dangers as she will just ignore you, or do it to 'rebel' against you!

[cathpip]

If she can smoke in her room then she will smoke more. Make her go outside, it's what I was made to do and I did smoke less esp if it was cold and raining! My parents knew I smoked, they only told me the once that they thought it was disgusting and hoped I would see the error of my ways ( i did but it took 10 years) and for that I was glad otherwise there would of been an awful lot of arguements. If she wants to smoke then fine but not in your house.....

[BlingBang]

Why will she quit if you are making it so easy and acceptable for her? I wouldn't let anyone smoke in my house.

[HeySoulSister]

ewe how many teens have you got?

ok so she self funds. is she happy smoking? does shelike to see her hard earned cash being smoked away?

no way should she be allowed to smoke inside

[Remotecontrolduck]

Ewe, she's 15 not 12. She has a job and you cannot possibly get after school care! She can smoke during school hours getting fags off friends.

I HATE HATE HATE smoking but I don't think your approach would be practical in the slightest.

[Dackyduddles]

Ok.

So if she tried booze will you pour her a vodka after work? Share your wine?

How about sharing a spliff? Cocaine?

You are at the top of an almighty slope. Where will you draw the line if not now?

[Dackyduddles]

I'm not being snarky. Sorry. Just trying to make you see where this can/could go....,

[BuskersCat]

Why would you allow your house to be filled with smoke, the smell, and the staining of walls and ceiling? Tell her if she HAS to she is to smoke outside, she needs to respect that you are a NON SMOKING house

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

do not let her smoke in your house, you are condoning it if you do. get some info from the quit smoking service in your area and make sure she reads it, tell her she stinks, tell her her breath is rank, tell her how she will age before her time with wrinkly grey skin, tell her she is cutting her life short... tell her anything to get her to quit but do not tell her its ok in your house. I am zero tolerance to smoking after my dad died after first losing both legs to smoking related causes, COPD killed him in the end and recently a 50 year old colleague died aged 50 from lung cancer.... he was a smoker.

[littlemisssarcastic]

My mother allowed me to smoke indoors OP. She hoped I would lose the desire when it wasn't forbidden, as you do.
I was told it was disgusting, smelly, expensive etc.

30 years later, I still smoke.

Don't condone it OP. You probably can't stop her completely but you don't have to make it easy.

Do you smoke indoors OP?

[Oliviafoster]

I can understand about the slippery slope, but I would NEVER allow my DD to use drugs, or drink alcohol excessively in my house regardless of her age. But smoking has always sort of been a grey area for me as a parent. And although we are usually a non smoking house at the minute, the smoke and smell have never really bothered me because I was brought up around it in a pub, so if I thought that allowing her to smoke in a controlled environment is the best choice I would become a smoking house.

[froubylou]

Let her smoke outside.

Ask her how much she is spending on them. If it is 10 a day put the equivalent amount of money in a jar. Call it your 'not smoking money'.

Every time she asks for money or treats make a big deal of checking your purse, taking out your not smoking money and put it in the jar.

Then telk her you don't have any thing spare to give her. But if she stopped smoking like you she would have x amount of spare money.

Teenage girls are invincible and have all the time in the world to stop. So giving her a different reason will probably have more of an impact.

And buy yourself something really nice from the money you have saved. If you need that money for other things raid ebay for a decent looking fake and tell her it's the real deal.

[Remotecontrolduck]

Smoking is the most vile habit, but if she's buying the fags out of her own wages, not purchased by OP, and they are never smoked in the house then what can you honestly do about it?

I'm intrigued as to what some of the people on this thread honestly think they could do to stop a 15 year old smoking in these circumstances? Lock them in 24/7? Home educate?

[babyrose]

I'm now 31 and I started smoking when I was your dd's age. I finally stopped when I was 24 and so glad I did cos I grew to hate it so much and still do.

My mum found out I was smoking and her and my aunt said they saw me one night when I was out with my friends (they never did see me just wanted to think that) I said I wouldn't do it again but I did just didnt get caught again. The way I got to buy them was with Pocket money.

I don't think your being unreasonable at all I regret doing it now and won't ever do it again!

[StuntGirl]

Absolutely not, YABU.

Smoking needs to be banned in the house. All smoking must be done outside - not by the door - and all cigarettes must be properly extinguished and thrown away. Cigarette ends left littering the garden will result in punishment in addition to her having to clean them up herself.

Tell her you love her, you want her to stop smoking and you will be there when she is ready to quit. I would contact the NHS quit smoking campaign as well as speaking to the school about it. You can bet your last penny she'll be smoking at school too.

[Oliviafoster]

So does anyone think I should allow my DD to smoke indoors/on garden if she agrees to try and quit? [sceptical]

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

I have no teens.

I'm just giving advice on what I would do and what my parents did with me and my siblings.

My big brother started smoking dope at age 14. My mum told all his teachers, his teacher made him attend a counselling session one lunchtime a month, my mum paid someone to look after him after school to stop him going off with friends. my dad dropped him off at his weekend job and picked him up. on the weekends he couldn't do this, he made my brother keep his receipts for trains/buses to check that he had went to work and back home without going elsewhere.

And my dad only let him out so long as he was going to a friend's house (which he'd pick him up and drop him off at) or somewhere like the pictures. So no hanging around at parks etc.

Pocket money was restricted and only given when my brother wanted something. And he had to show receipts for each purchase.

Strict, yes. Hard, yes. But it worked.

[littlemisssarcastic]

Are you going to let her smoke indoors OP?

[specialsubject]

don't let her smoke in the house. She will stink it out and there is a reasonable chance she could start a fire, she won't be smart enough to ensure the dog-ends are stubbed out properly.

send her outside, that is properly outside right away from the house (Raining? Tough!). As mentioned all the litter produced needs to be picked up and binned. That is both the dog-ends and the ash. She carries an ash try and empties and cleans it herself. Only what all smokers should do.

oh, and she stays outside for 10 minutes after the last one to let the worst of the reek fade. You stop doing her washing too.

make her feel unwelcome while smoking. This makes it clear that it is a dirty habit and a lot of people hate it, which will be the only thing that may get through.