WWYD not AIBU. Evidence of a friend's DH's (possible) infidelity

(191 Posts)
SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 14:19:11

I have a few ex-colleagues from my previous job as Facebook friends. I'm also FB friends with someone who used to work there and who met her now-husband there. She no longer works there (left before I did); he still does. She isn't in touch with many people from there on FB in her own right IYSWIM but she and I hit it off and have stayed in touch. We're not bezza mates but I went to their evening wedding reception, we exchange the odd email as well as keeping in touch via FB and I've met her for coffee when I've been back in the area, and I would consider her a friend rather than just an ex-colleague. Her DH isn't one of my FB friends.

One of my ex-colleagues on FB has uploaded some pictures from a recent work night out. I was having a scroll through at lunchtime and in the background of two of the photos is my friend's DH with a woman I don't recognise. In one of them they are kissing - proper, arms wrapped round each other, eyes closed, tongues round the tonsils kissing. In the other they are close, he has his hands on her waist/lower back and she has hers round his neck and they look as if they are gazing into each other's eyes. It looks like more than just 'night out friendliness' IYKWIM. In neither photo are they the main subject, nor do they give any indication they know they are in shot and he isn't tagged but it is unmistakeably him. There is a third photo where they are partly in shot - can't see faces but you can tell its them by the outfits and the angle relative to the other pics - and his hand is cupping her arse. His hand with his wedding ring on. sad

My friend's recent FB updates have been the usual chatty stuff she posts, mentioning her DH as normal and while I doubt we'd be close enough for heart-to-heart stuff, I think I'd know if they had split up.

What do I do? Do I do anything? Do I tell my friend and if so, how? She isn't FB friends with the person who uploaded the pics. I know it probably sounds OTT and melodramatic but seeing those photos has given me a real shock and I'm sitting at my desk feeling slightly sick. I keep trying to think of an innocent explanation but these photos don't look innocent. sad

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 15:10:54

thebody I think he's the one who's devastated the marriage, don't you? hmm

ProphetOfDoom Tue 20-Aug-13 15:12:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 15:12:16

Actually scrub that thought, a 'warning' message is a crap idea as if I didn't see her response to that straight away, it could be a little while before I followed up with the photos and I know if I were her I'd be chewed up in knots expecting some gory full-frontal in flagrante pics in the meantime. Crueller to drag it out, I think.

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 15:12:50

Don't like the warning idea, I would just send it and be very supportive in your message, the warning would be like making a huge drama out of it, or at least more o a drama than it needs to be, which I don't think is fair on your friend.

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 15:14:04

We are on the same wavelength OP! wink

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 15:14:57

X-posts BalloonSlayer. You articulated what I was thinking better than I did, and maybe it's not so crap to do it that way.

Schmaltz I don't work with any of these people any more, so no comeback on me professionally.

Auntfini That's how I feel too, how stupid I'd feel if I found out any everyone else knew already. sad

Stupid man. Why couldn't he keep his hands and his mouth (at best) to himself?

CleverWittyUsername Tue 20-Aug-13 15:15:23

I definitely wouldn't communicate with him at all, screenshot and save pics, is there a way of seeing her face to face to discuss before showing her the pics? I imagine in an email it could be really horrible and a massive shock and/or end up in crossed wires.

MildDrPepperAddiction Tue 20-Aug-13 15:15:48

Get screen shots, show your friend, have tissues with you. If I were her I would want to know.

WandaDoff Tue 20-Aug-13 15:17:33

I'd tag him in the photo, or comment on it, that should be enough to make the pictures show up in her news feed.

Though perhaps a warning first might be kindest.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 15:20:24

Unfortunately I moved away to take this job and now live about 200 miles from her which is why we usually communicate by email and through FB. I see her maybe 2-3 times a year in person when I'm back in the area (I still have close family there so go back every couple of months or so, but don't necessarily see her every time). I don't have another trip planned until the end of September.

mirai you're right. No warning.

Aaarrrrggggghhhhhhhh! I can't think straight. Imagine how she will feel if there is more to it than a silly drunken snog. Oh my poor friend. sad

biscuitsandcheese Tue 20-Aug-13 15:27:17

Could you ring her before you send the pictures? Then she will have a little warning.

SideshoBob Tue 20-Aug-13 15:27:33

I doubt she'd be upset with you permanently, at first maybe due to the shock of it, but with picture proof its hardly like its conjecture. She'd eventually see that you were trying to be a good friend.

If you don't want to do that, I guess you could send the pictures anonymously through email.

CleverWittyUsername Tue 20-Aug-13 15:29:53

It's awful but then you'll have to go for the email thing. It's better that she knows than doesn't.

bobbywash Tue 20-Aug-13 15:30:58

I think I would stay out of it. It's in a public place with lots of other co-workers, he's not being particularly discrete (well discrete at all in fact). At the moment you just have some pictures no proof, and it's that kind of thing which leads to the messenger being shot, as the photos were not sent to you with a "ohh look at x tag" then it could seem that you're stirring things.

If you are friends with some of the others who were there, just ask them first if anything is going on, then you can tell your other friend with something more than a couple of photos.

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 15:35:27

Point her in the direction of the MN relationships board... We'll look after her smile

HerrenaHarridan Tue 20-Aug-13 15:37:54

I have been there and wish someone had told me too.

My best is ring her, say something like I need to talk to you have you got a min this isn't going to be easy but some pictures have just come through on my fb I think you need to see, I'm sending them now.

Please, if you possibly can, don't just drop the bomb. Be there to help desk with the fallout.

If you can't just do it anyway. She deserves to know.

FannyFifer Tue 20-Aug-13 15:38:26

I would text her and say, "Hi friend, one of my Facebook friends has posted pics that have your DH in the background, I think you really need to see them. Just going to email them to you now."

Backtobedlam Tue 20-Aug-13 15:43:05

Exactly what FannyFifer said. I don't think you should keep this to yourself. Without evidence I'd say keep quiet, but with these photos out there on fb for all to see, it's only fair that she gets the chance to make her own mind up.

What FannyFifer said.

If this was me I would want to know, but I'd want a chance to see/digest it before I spoke to anyone.

So sorry you're in this predicament. What a twunt.

mynewpassion Tue 20-Aug-13 15:55:59

Exactly what Fannyfifer suggested.

I would also add that you understand if she doesn't want to hear from you for awhile.

When my 'D'H was cheated many of my friends know and no-one told me!
I really wish they had.
Although it didn't take me too long to figure it out I could have saved myself a good 8 months of being paranoid etc.....
I would have appreciated it a lot more if they had told me!
Let us know how it goes.
I can't be an easy thing to do.

Kooza Tue 20-Aug-13 15:59:05

I agree you should find a way to let her know.

When my DP was cheating (and loads of people knew) one of my best friends found out and told me what she had heard. We are still best friends today.

I was so grateful to her for letting me know. Also, it enabled me to have my crying, hysterical reaction before getting myself together to deal with him calmly and coldly. To this day I still remember her guts and kindness.

Pinupgirl Tue 20-Aug-13 16:00:12

Don't tell-people always shoot the messanger sadly. Hopefully your friend will find out soon enough about the cocklodger.

You have my empathy though op as I am in a similar position only its family! Bil has cheated on sil-not for the first time I think!. He and dh went out and dh came home and told me how bil had pulled a women on a train and then in a pub.

I started a thread about it as I was so angry and was pretty much told I was over reactinghmm-but at the weekend bil was bragging to me about it! Twat.

Squitten Tue 20-Aug-13 16:01:27

I would let her know - I would hope that someone would tell me.

I would just email saying that you saw these and didn't know what to make of them but thought that she would want to know about them. That way, you're not influencing her thinking in any way, IYSWIM.

VintageLace Tue 20-Aug-13 16:07:43

just echoing others, but if it was me i'd want to know too.

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