WWYD not AIBU. Evidence of a friend's DH's (possible) infidelity

(191 Posts)
SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 14:19:11

I have a few ex-colleagues from my previous job as Facebook friends. I'm also FB friends with someone who used to work there and who met her now-husband there. She no longer works there (left before I did); he still does. She isn't in touch with many people from there on FB in her own right IYSWIM but she and I hit it off and have stayed in touch. We're not bezza mates but I went to their evening wedding reception, we exchange the odd email as well as keeping in touch via FB and I've met her for coffee when I've been back in the area, and I would consider her a friend rather than just an ex-colleague. Her DH isn't one of my FB friends.

One of my ex-colleagues on FB has uploaded some pictures from a recent work night out. I was having a scroll through at lunchtime and in the background of two of the photos is my friend's DH with a woman I don't recognise. In one of them they are kissing - proper, arms wrapped round each other, eyes closed, tongues round the tonsils kissing. In the other they are close, he has his hands on her waist/lower back and she has hers round his neck and they look as if they are gazing into each other's eyes. It looks like more than just 'night out friendliness' IYKWIM. In neither photo are they the main subject, nor do they give any indication they know they are in shot and he isn't tagged but it is unmistakeably him. There is a third photo where they are partly in shot - can't see faces but you can tell its them by the outfits and the angle relative to the other pics - and his hand is cupping her arse. His hand with his wedding ring on. sad

My friend's recent FB updates have been the usual chatty stuff she posts, mentioning her DH as normal and while I doubt we'd be close enough for heart-to-heart stuff, I think I'd know if they had split up.

What do I do? Do I do anything? Do I tell my friend and if so, how? She isn't FB friends with the person who uploaded the pics. I know it probably sounds OTT and melodramatic but seeing those photos has given me a real shock and I'm sitting at my desk feeling slightly sick. I keep trying to think of an innocent explanation but these photos don't look innocent. sad

I'd stay out of it tbh. It might be worth showing them to HIM though. It might be nothing, it might look more than it is, it might be a full blown affair, or a drunken moment. You really can't tell that much from a photo, but it might give him pause for thought, if he knows that they are on fb.

DfanjoUnchained Tue 20-Aug-13 14:24:43

I would tell her. Poor woman

BuskersCat Tue 20-Aug-13 14:24:57

I'd save the photos before she takes them down. Then message him saying you have the photos and if he doesn't tell her that you will. I'm sorry you've been put in this position

QueenofallIsee Tue 20-Aug-13 14:25:30

I would tell my friend - I know that any of my friends would want to know and I would too in her place.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 14:28:05

Thank you for advice. My instinct is if I were her I'd want to know but I accept that if I do tell her, it might be at the expense of our friendship if she decides to 'shoot the messenger'.

I'm not friends with him on FB, can I still send him a message or will it depend on his settings?

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Tue 20-Aug-13 14:30:16

I think that you would be best to get copies of the photos - save them from Facebook. Also, get screenshots of them with the date on whilst you think things through.

Him being so blatant about it - in an open social circle which from the sounds of it has potential acquaintances, with his wedding ring on, is interesting. It might be drunken messing around, or an affair - either way if I was her I would want to know - especially if those photos were on a social media network.

Depending on how well you know him - go through him. Or, maybe it's best she knows before he has the chance to cover anything. Only you know them well-enough.

kali110 Tue 20-Aug-13 14:33:58

Id want to know

I'd want to know my ex was cheating on me and all my so called friends knew and not one of them told me, utterly humiliating when I found out.

DfanjoUnchained Tue 20-Aug-13 14:38:51

Why would she shoot the messenger if you have complete evidence though? At usually only happens with hearsay/no concrete proof.

If it were my H, I would want to know

meditrina Tue 20-Aug-13 14:43:12

The pictures were taken in front of many people in a public place, and posted online to a wide readership.

It's just a matter of time before his DW knows, isn't it? Or perhaps she already does? I think I'd start by trying to ascertain if they have split up and (as not that close a friend) I'd missed it. And one way to do that would be via him - a message saying that you'd seen those pix and had not realised he was with someone else now, and ask if he would fill you in on what happened.

Yonionekanobe Tue 20-Aug-13 14:48:03

You poor thing. What a position to be in. I'm assuming there are no mutual friends who may be closer to her that you could confide in?

Maybe83 Tue 20-Aug-13 14:48:53

I would screen shot the photos down load them and send them to her via email and say I'm sorry these just appeared on my new s feed...thought you should know. If you need any thing let me know.

I wouldn't contact him at all.,.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 20-Aug-13 14:52:38

I would want to know and I would be highly fucked off if a friend knew and did not tell me.

thebody Tue 20-Aug-13 14:54:58

I would stay completely out of it.

you say she isn't a close friend, have you got a mutual friend who is closers To her than you who could broach it with her.

it's a photo, not excusing it at all but it could have been one drunk nights kiss, 3 photos all taken one after the other.

they were in company so not hiding or on a date.

please think carefully before you potentially devastate a marriage.

mynewpassion Tue 20-Aug-13 14:59:22

Show her the pics and let her ask him.

meditrina Tue 20-Aug-13 15:00:21

OP isn't the one devastating the marriage. It's the H who snogs another woman in a public place who is doing that.

GetStuffezd Tue 20-Aug-13 15:01:58

I've been the mugging who was being cheated on. My friends all knew and decided not to tell me as I'd be devastated. I was more gutted that they had denied me this information. I would tell her.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 15:04:23

I have managed to save the photos to the camera roll on my phone while I decide what to do.

Meditrina I thought that might be possible, but the night out was last Friday and in the meantime over the weekend my friend has been posting about doing stuff to the house and mentions her DH, so I really don't think they've split up.

Thanks everyone and thanks for your kind words, Yonionekanobe. I know this is far from being "all about me" but I'm really shaken by it. I wish I could unsee the photos. We don't really have any mutual friends, she didn't keep in touch with many people in her own right when she left the previous company and I don't really know any of her other friends. I see people who regularly comment on her status updates and photos who I imagine are good friends or whose names I recognise from our own chats / emails, but I don't actually know them.

Dfanjo I just meant that you hear about people who find it easier to blame the person who told them bad news rather than the actual guilty party. Possibly a reaction to having their blissful ignorance shattered. Of course, I have no way of knowing whether she would react like that or even whether there is any blissful ignorance to be shattered.

SaucyJack Tue 20-Aug-13 15:04:59

I would email them to her with a supportive message.

She has more right than you to see them IMO.

SaucyJack Tue 20-Aug-13 15:06:29

Even if she did choose to 'blame the messenger', a true friend would still risk telling her in the first place.

Not a nice position to be in I'm sure tho.

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 15:09:04

I would definitely email her. Poor woman... She has a right to know.

As you aren't friends with the "D" H any message f yours to him would go straight into his "Other" folder and lie there unseen for literally months!!

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 15:10:25

Sorry, some X-posts there.

The consensus seems to be to let my friend know, and I think you're right. I know I would want to know if it were me.

Do you think it would be best to just send her the photos with the supportive message and risk her opening the photos before she reads the message , or send a sort of 'warning' message first to prepare her for bad news then follow up with the photos?

BalloonSlayer Tue 20-Aug-13 15:10:31

My life would have been very different (better!) if someone had had the guts to tell me my ex was cheating. I STILL don't know for sure, I can only put two and two together from what eventually happened.

I would say something.

I would email or phone and say that there is something on Facebook that does not show her DH in a good light. If she asks what I would say they are compromising photos of him with a woman, that I can save them for her if she wants to see them. That way she is prepared before she actually sees them.

Auntfini Tue 20-Aug-13 15:10:51

Even if it's the end of your friendship I think you should tell her. You won;t be the only person (obviously) who knows, so it's not just that he's cheating, but the thought that everyone else just knew and silly wifey is at home writing happy updates on fb. That's how I would feel. I would much prefer to know and if you lose the friendship, so be it. It's not like you're telling her because you want to hurt her, but she deserves to know.

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