Name changed for privacy
I'm really worried about my 22 year old younger sister. Sorry that the post is so long, but I really wanted to explain the whole story.
Six years ago, aged 16, my sister got into a relationship with a boy of the same age, who had similar problems. They were together over two years, however she ended the relationship aged 19 because she was going away to university and also he was pressurising her into things she was uncomfortable doing.
Although initially she was a bit upset, she went off to university and initially was doing well. However when she returned home that christmas, he contacted her, and they met up. He asked her to take him back, but she said no, and that she hoped he would find someone else and be happy. Strangely, when she came home after the meeting, and told us this, she also told us that even though she didn't want to be in a relationship with him right now, perhaps in the future after university she would reconsider it.
A month later, he did. She became very upset, started phoning, texting and sending facebook messages, some pleading and begging him to break up with his new girlfriend, others angry and malicious and threatening. It was as if she couldn't have him, then nobody else could.
She was also uncontrollable at home, lots of temper tantrums, and was unable to focus properly on her university studies. It was really horrible for my family and I to experience. My family did everything we could, including paying for private counsellors and psychiatrists. She eventually went on antidepressants however the counselling didn't seem to help much, as she would barely talk to them. One thing she was always insistent on is that she needed "closure" and just wanted to be his "friend"
Over time (about 2 years) she slowly has been improving, but occasionally she had relapses when she would contact him, but he would not return her messages and she became upset. At one point his new girlfriend had to contact my sister and threaten her to stop contacting her boyfriend. Slowly the relapses have become fewer and fewer, and she hadn't contacted him in over a year (to my knowledge), although occasionally when she gets upset about something else she will have a tantrum and cry and scream that she needs her ex boyfriend.
Within the last month she has been saying that she wants to move on, and has been going on a few dates with other guys. Whilst I obviously want her to be happy, part of me doesn't want her to be in a relationship as I am terrified that when the relationship ends she will act in a similar way to her previous behaviour.
Today I overheard (by accident) a minute of a phone conversation, however it was very evident that she was talking to her ex boyfriend. I went on Facebook and noticed 2 things. Firstly, that he broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years less than 24 hours ago. Secondly, she has just become friends with him on facebook today. My sister does not know that I overheard the phone call, nor that I know about the break up and her adding him on Facebook.
I don't know at the moment if it was him or her who initiated contact, but if it was her I am extremely worried. It would mean she has been stalking his facebook profile for 2 years, waiting for him to break up with his girlfriend. It seems to be really unhealthy behaviour.
Am I unreasonable to not want my sister to be "friends" with this guy, and to strongly discourage their relationship. I understand that she is 22 and an adult, and that I can't run her life for her, but her behaviour is really worrying me.
AIBU?
To not want my sister to be "friends" with him
stressedsister1 · 19/08/2013 16:55
Yes it could be, trouble is we can all hear stories of relationships that worked in unusual ways to make us think ours will work.
The only thing you can do at the moment is to be ready to catch her
I can absolutely understand why you are concerned and I agree that their friendship/relationship sounds extremely unhealthy.
But there is nothing you can do at this point - other than ensure you don't encourage her fixation.
Maybe tell your parents when they get home but tbh it doesn't sound like there's much they could do either (it sounds like you/they have been very supportive to date).
It's really hard to watch a family member engage in self-destructive behaviour (voice of bitter experience) but as you can stop it I really advise you to distance yourself from it - no more checking facebook etc - or it will eat you up.
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