to think even a 'paedophile' is innocent until proven guilty?

(50 Posts)

(NC, sensitive subject)

Having a discussion with my DH at the moment about my cousin. Cousin is male, 30 yr old. As a small boy we strongly believe that he was abused by his father sexually. As an adult he got together with a much older women with 2 young daughters. Family were making comments like "he likes to give them a bath" and there was some suspicion as to his motives for being with this women.

He later had his own daughter with this women. He didn't tell anyone until she was about 2 and then suddenly announced oh by the way he had a daughter. Him and women split up and he took his daughter and became a single father to her, full custody (women didn't mind) and they lived in a bedsit together, him and his 5 year old.

Neither of my parents/siblings or I are in touch with him. We don't like him for many reasons but there is also this family underlying suspicion that maybe he is a paedophile. Both my mother and I have contacted the police/social services to ask them to be aware/to look out for anything.

Now this cousin and his daughter are coming to our small village for a weeks holiday. Normally they live very far away. DH has never met cousin but knows the back story and family suspicions. He keeps going on...and on...and on and about cousin and DH's and I toddler son. I have reiterated so many times that I do not like cousin, am not in touch with cousin and have no plans to meet up with him or his daughter. But he won't let it go until I agree that this cousin wont be allowed in the house

It's reached the point where I have said to him that surely it is innocent until proven guilty, its just a very strong suspicion held by lots of the family, not a tried and proven 'done deal'

I think it's a bit harsh to openly go on and on with such a strong accusation when I have said until I'm blue in the face that I won't be taking our son to meet him.

DH has now said he wants to tell our nanny, in case cousin turns up on our doorstep and then the nanny will know we don't want him to meet DS. I said that is a step too far and is not necessary. What does he think will happen in broad daylight with our 14 month baby obviously fully supervised at all times?

DH is shouting that I'm a bad mother if my attitude is just "whats the worst that can happen"

So AIBU to tell him to stop going on about it when this guy has not been convicted of paedophilia and I"m not going to be bloody meeting up with him anyway?

YANBU to think that anyone is "innocent until proven guilty"
YANBU to refuse to leave a child with someone who you are suspicious of
Your DH is NBU to want to protect your DS but he would be VU to tell anyone else that he believes that this man is a paedophile with no proof. That is slander. If you have real suspisions about his actions then you need to report them to the authorities.

OnceUponAThyme Wed 07-Aug-13 09:56:56

if I had a strong suspicion about someone possibly harming children, I wouldn't like them being near my dd.
so although your dh appears to be being overprotective to you, I can understand his concern.
you yourself have told dh you think strongly this man is a pedophile but are not sure, so his reaction of keeping your dc away is understandable.

HollyBerryBush Wed 07-Aug-13 09:57:28

Neither of my parents/siblings or I are in touch with him. We don't like him for many reasons but there is also this family underlying suspicion that maybe he is a paedophile. Both my mother and I have contacted the police/social services to ask them to be aware/to look out for anything.

So you have no contact yet on gossip and rumour you decided to contact SS and file an accusation?

Wow, what do you do to people you hate?

Hemlet Wed 07-Aug-13 09:57:49

So.... you're saying he's innocent until proven guilty but you've informed the police and social services that you think he's a pedophile?

Is there actually any evidence of this apart from giving his partner's children a bath? Oh and your suspicions that he was abused himself.

You sound very judgemental.

WeAllHaveWings Wed 07-Aug-13 10:00:32

We think but have no proof he was abused = he got together with a single parent of daughters + we don't like him = paedophile

Lots of assumptions, without lnowing him or you i don't know whether to feel sorry for the bloke!

But of course yanbu to not leave your child alone with a stranger

HollyBerryBush Wed 07-Aug-13 10:02:35

I'm all for alerting for valid reason, but this is just time wasting to the extreme - and you wonder why SS are stretched to the limit and children die every day - its because spurious complaints by vindictive people HAVE to be followed up, thus wasting precious time that could be used for children in real need of help

Your DH is NBU to want to protect your DS but he would be VU to tell anyone else that he believes that this man is a paedophile with no proof. That is slander.

That is what I'm saying. He can't go around saying he's a paedophile.

Holly we were reporting an incident that happened between him and me as children (both under 10 with me being 4 years younger). I don't believe though that is a CERTAINTY that activity like this a child means that he will be a paedophile as an adult. But it has certainly contributed a lot to the family suspicion.

TiggyD Wed 07-Aug-13 10:05:36

There seems to be nothing but rumours.
Rumours because he got involved with a woman who had children, a sure sign of a peedo.hmm
You think he was abused himself when he was young. Yes, you can't trust victims of child abuse can you. Keep away from them.hmmhmm
Rumours because he's a single dad, and all single dads...hmmhmmhmmhmmhmmhmm

BinarySolo Wed 07-Aug-13 10:06:10

I think given what you've told us here your dh reaction is understandable. No point keep saying he's innocent until proven guilty when you've convicted him in yours and you dh's minds already. Bit too late to backtrack when he presumably had years of you telling him this stuff.

Sounds like you've not even seen him with his daughter so on what grounds are your suspicions based? That he's a single dad? His ex obviously trusted him.

Yabvu

Branleuse Wed 07-Aug-13 10:07:16

wow, your poor cousin

Hemlet Wed 07-Aug-13 10:09:00

That is what I'm saying. He can't go around saying he's a paedophile.

But it's Ok for you to do it.

An incident that happened when you were both under ten sounds like a kid being curious. Obviously I don't know what happened but it certainly doesn't indicate that he would be a pedophile when older. You were both children. If he was much older then fair enough but he wasn't.

The thing is, what your DH knows of your cousin is what you have told him. And while you may now say "innocent until proven guilty" I'd say it's pretty obviuous that's not the impression you've been giving your DH all this time. Honestly now, can you be surprised that he thinks your cousin is suspect, when you have chosen to contact the police and SS about him?

You can't turn round now and say "Oh but I don't think he would hurt our DS" when you have been making it obvious that you think he's abusing his own daughter.

So, do what you need to do to reassure your DH that all your sudden talk of "innocent until proven guilty" is just the sham it so clearly is.

cory Wed 07-Aug-13 10:10:13

"Holly we were reporting an incident that happened between him and me as children (both under 10 with me being 4 years younger). I don't believe though that is a CERTAINTY that activity like this a child means that he will be a paedophile as an adult. But it has certainly contributed a lot to the family suspicion."

There'd be a lot of paedophiles around if everybody was judged on things that happened when they were under 10.

MrsHoarder Wed 07-Aug-13 10:15:20

Would he be willing to agree to discuss with the nanny that she shouldn't leave your DS alone with other family members without explicit prior consent from you without mentioning the cousin?

mynameisslimshady Wed 07-Aug-13 10:17:08

So this guy, who you think was abused, did something when he was a child, which leads you to think he is a paedoohile rather than a child not knowing any better?

You also suspect him because he fell in love with a woman with children, then had his own child and seems to be a brilliant dad to her.

How utterly nasty.

I was abused as a child and I know as a child I overstepped some boundries when I was under 10 because it was 'normal' to me, I have 4 children and 2 step children now and am a great Mum/Step Mum would you like me to pm you my details so you can report me too? angry

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 07-Aug-13 10:30:42

Your title says all that really needs to be said.

You already believe that he is guilty your DH is just repeating what you've told him, maybe in hearing what you've said you realise how you sound and don't like it.

hesterton Wed 07-Aug-13 10:35:15

If you were that concerned about the girl you would invite them round and get to know her. Supervised of course.

WilsonFrickett Wed 07-Aug-13 10:37:18

Your DH is simply reflecting back to you all the 'messages' you've sent him about your cousin over the years. Your DH believes your cousin is a paedophile because that's what you've constantly told him through your words and actions.

So understandably, he's nervous about his own child.

Obviously in a corner of your mind you know there is doubt whether your cousin actually is a child abuser, so when your DH states it as a concrete fact you don't really like it. But again, he's only repeating what you have told him.

So what do you do? Well if your nanny is worth her salt she would never leave her charge alone with a stranger who knocked on the door, would she? However you can easily have a conversation to reinforce this with her. And even if your cousin is an abuser, the chances of him sweeping down on your child with the intent to abuse are very slim - he knows he is a stranger to your child, so he must know the child would never be left alone with him.

So the issue isn't really your child - it's your attitude to your cousin and his child, who may or may not be at risk. What are you going to do about that?

hardbeingme Wed 07-Aug-13 10:43:43

i think personally i would make effort to be more involved to make sure the little girl is ok, ringing the police/ss on the off chance does not mean 'my work here is done' you have no idea of any aspect of their life he may appreciate some genuine help or the little girl may genuinely be vulnerable.

telling your partner you think he abuses childen and then wondering why he doesn't want him in the house seems a bit naive.

So you tell your DH that this cousin was abused, did something while under 10 and went with a woman with children so he is obviously a paedophile and then when your DH says the same you are saying 'innocent til proven guilty'? hmm

It was you that told your DH this in the first place!

Flobbadobs Wed 07-Aug-13 10:55:36

I feel rather sorry for this bloke if in your family 'abused' equals 'paedophile'. As I understand it a child subjected to sexual abuse can have a very skewed idea of social norms wrt to sexual behaviour (please correct me if I have this wrong somebody, I really don't want offend by suggesting this).
Your entire family has spent years talking about him in the worst possible way and reading terrible things into eveything he does and now you're suprised that your Dh is parroting it back to you?
He may be an utter arse in different ways but it's a huge jump from 'twat' to 'paedo'.
YABU. Very YABU unless you suddenly dripfeed us some concrete eveidence.

Nancy66 Wed 07-Aug-13 10:59:09

It's your husband I'd be keeping my kids away from - he sounds like a horrible, manipulative bully.

quoteunquote Wed 07-Aug-13 11:03:48

poor guy, someone really should let him know you all think he is a pedophile,

then if he isn't he can at least deal with it, and keep away from a place where he is being hated,

and if he is then he knows it only a matter of time before it all catches up with him,

If he does visit the area with his child someone might attack him,

sounds like an explosive situation.

Nancy I dont think he does. I think he is acting in protecting his daughter because of what the OP has told him which I am not surprised at. If you are told someone is a paedophile then you will want to keep your children away

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