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AIBU?

to not fight for divorce money

17 replies

MsColour · 03/08/2013 12:20

Background: separated 2 and a half years ago. House sold but equity has been held by solicitors. My parents put up most of the deposit for the house I am in now - I am hoping to pay them back some money from the divorce settlement.

Been through mediation twice. First time agreed a 60:40 split in my favour of all assets as children live with me but was never processed. Next lot of mediation ex had spent all savings in his name so was agreed 60:40 split of house sale money in my favour - in my favour because of children living with me but also pension 3x mine. This was over a year ago and it has still not been processed. Since then he took me to court to try to get 50:50 time with the children (he lost) and have had letters from his solicitors saying he wants 60:40 of the money in his favour with me getting a share of his pension or split the money 50:50 with no share of pension and he's wanting to take me to court over this.

I have had enough of fighting. I just want to get on with my life and my partner is moving in soon. I am willing to settle for 50:50 and be done with it but my solicitor says I should fight for some of his pension. There has been no maintenance paid for over two years and I want to go to CSA but have avoided doing so because I haven't wanted to aggrevate him while there is still unfinished business.

So AIBU to give up?

OP posts:

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 03/08/2013 12:24

YABU AND yes you should have half of his pension. How come he saw fit to get himself a pension and not get you one anyway?

Ledkr · 03/08/2013 12:28

Yes fight it.
I know you just want to get on with your life but you must secure yours and your dcs future.
I fought like mad in the end. And ten yrs later am so glad I did as I will always have my house.
My ds is chronically ill now so I have the ability to help him should he need it.

MsColour · 03/08/2013 12:29

I do have a pension - it is just worth much less than his - partly due to him being older and partly because I took time out to have children.

OP posts:

ShedWood · 03/08/2013 12:30

This is not your money you are fighting for, it's your children's. If you get the 60% you deserve then paying for the school uniform, trips, books, shopping and shoes etc will be so much easier.

I know you've been dragged through the mill but he's done this to try and make you give up and go for the easy life.

Dig deep and tell him that nothing has changed, you're going for the 60% you deserve and going to the CSA today, who cares if he's upset, that doesn't change the fact that you deserve, and will be awarded by the courts 60%.

bragmatic · 03/08/2013 12:34

Well, there's a cost attached to continuing to fight, for sure. And it's not just financial. It all depends on if the outcome would be worth the 'cost', to you. I've been to court, to fight for what was 100% mine, no question. I was happy with 85% of it in the end, because to continue would have cost me more money (to go to the solicitors) and more emotional reserves than I had to give.

newbiefrugalgal · 03/08/2013 12:35

Keep fighting.
You've done it three times go again.
It will be worth it in the end?
Unless solicitor costs will cost more than the pension value?

newbiefrugalgal · 03/08/2013 12:36

Oh and he obviously does not give a shot so get CSA sorted now. Will it make any difference?

carabos · 03/08/2013 12:40

DO NOT let the pension go. It may feel like anything for a quiet life now, but I bitterly regret not fighting for my share of what, by now, will be a HUGE pension pot. I got divorced in the days before the new rules came in and so wish I had that protection.

McPie · 03/08/2013 12:41

I know its hard going but please fight for what is rightly yours and your dcs.
If you give in to him now it will never end and he will fight you on every single aspect of your dcs lives in the hope you will roll over and give in to him.
This man has no soul and does not deserve to walk away in favour of anything due to the fact you have met all financial needs of your dc for the last two years.

yummymumtobe · 03/08/2013 12:42

I don't always agree with keeping fighting. If you are comfortable and you have a new partner moving in (so not supporting children by yourself) and ready to move on, then do so. The emotional cost is too much sometimes and it can really take its toll. Sometimes it's a question of who can hold out the longest but winning wont always make you happy

mumandboys123 · 03/08/2013 12:44

Depends on how much we're talking about (how much is the extra 10%worth) because you won't see change from £10k if it goes through court. It also depends how old you are from a pension point of view and whether you believe you can make up the difference?

For what it's worth, I settled for far less in divorce than I would likely have got in front of a judge. There comes apoint when freedom and getting on with living is way more important. You could try posting your details on wikivorce as advice there is free and generally very candid.

MsColour · 03/08/2013 12:49

Have weighed up costs of going to court and don't think I'd be that much better off once you take court fees into consideration.

OP posts:

onedev · 03/08/2013 12:50

It depends how much the pension is worth, but I'd say you should fight for it. My DM didn't & she'll struggle in retirement financially. My DH & I have already agreed that we'll continue to support her but its obviously not ideal & after 30yrs of marriage (during which she gave up work to look after myself & siblings) she really was entitled. However she felt so beaten by my DF (not physically IFSWIM) & just wanted things to be done as he turned so nasty but she does regret it.

Good luck however you proceed.

Bullygirl · 03/08/2013 16:48

It seems exhausting and never ending right now but you will most likely regret, sometime in the future, not fighting. Shedwood is right. This is for your kids. If he's not paying the correct maintenance now it's not likely he will in the future. You need to let him know you will not give up on fighting for what is rightfully yours.
Good luck OP

Twirlyhot · 03/08/2013 17:06

What's your solicitor doing? I'd get your solicitor to contact his on Monday saying that unless the deal of 60 : 40 split in your favour plus the share of the pension (agreed over a year ago) AND an agreed maintenance payment of £X/month is signed and sealed by close of business on Friday the 9th, you will be heading straight to the CSA first thing on Monday to inform them he hasn't paid a penny for over 2 years. And I'd add that a lump sum of 3 times the agreed monthly amount should be transferred to your account by the same date to cover the last three months.

megsmouse · 03/08/2013 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan49 · 03/08/2013 17:22

I think in your circumstances I'd give up and accept 50-50 with no pension. Then go to the CSA. It's to the solicitor's advantage for you to go on fighting and paying for legal advice.

I'm divorced and we settled things amicably, 50-50 split with us each keeping our own pensions. It wasn't really fair since I brought up our ds alone, and in fact my ex was happy to do a 70-30 split in my favour, but I thought I'd never hear the last of it, with him constantly telling our son and all his family how I got so much more than him. So I've done what makes me feel comfortable rather than going for the best financial option.

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