DH and I have 3 young DC (2,5 & 7) and have just bought a house we are renovating. He works very long hours and I am really struggling this Summer holiday with DC and also managing the renovation.
I called DH in tears the day before yesterday telling him I couldn't cope and just felt like I didn't want to be alive anymore as the stress is making me ill and a nervous wreck. He was fairly sympathetic.
Last night DD was in tears as my mother gave her a book about monsters to read, she was shaking and terrified. DH was really horrible to her and turned the light off which I pulled him up on (I remember feeling the way DD did as a child after wathcing scary things). He said if I could parent properly I wouldn't have the problems I do and that I'm not an effective mother and I should listen to him & it's my own fault they behave the way they do.
I actually think I'm a good parent, just frazzled, he says millions of people do the job I'm doing and don;t complain and that he would love to be at home with the DC.
I'm sick of him throwing back things I tell him when I'm upset back in my face when we row, I feel like I can't trust him as whenever I do show him a 'weakness' he will bring it up and use it against me at a later date.
Would I be UR to consider leaving him over this?
AIBU?
To leave DH because of this?
SodaFountain · 03/08/2013 06:56
Thank you for all the fantastic advice, I will sit down and talk to him later on today 
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Hello, well he apologised at lunch time, said he was a bit tipsy and just felt helpless and that I should listen to him more 
.. I know he i under a lot of pressure from home and work, and I am under a lot of pressure from home and home.... Anyway we had a long talk and have made it up. This is our first house and we cannot afford to rent anymore, renovation is nearly done to it's only a few more weeks to endure, I think we can do it. Will talk to him again tonight about using things against me in a row, I really don't like this, dirty tactics which have no place in a marriage.
Does anyone else's partner do this?
Hello soda, was just deadheading the roses and thinking of you!
It's good that's he's apologised and admitted what he did and why it was wrong. That is. A really good start.
It's major read flag time when they continue to insist that they did nothing wrong and either yourr imagining it or it was your fault.
Do keep talking. Try to find ways to keep talking about it that don't make him feel attacked but that get your thoughts and feelings heard and validated.
A good way of doing this is to own your own feelings, so for example instead of saying 'you make me feel like a failure when you say xyz.'
Say: 'I feel like a failure when you say xyz.'
I know it sounds like a small difference but it makes a huge differnce to what the listener hears and how they react. In the first example they hear 'it's my fault again I need to put up a defence and attack'
Second example they hear 'she needs reassurance that's not what I meant.'
Also tell him that you need reassurance. I know it sounds obvious but to many men it's not. They can't think what to do and think reassurance is pointless if they can't change anything. Honestly they do.
Bottom line, don't let it go, it sounds like he wants to be better, help him to do it by telling him what to do. Nicely
.
Good luck.
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Tell him to start a thread on MN saying 'we have 3 young children and we are renovating a house, I work long hours, my wife says she's struggling but Ive told her loads of people do it and she needs to buck up' AIBU?
And see what the mothers of GB say to him.
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