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DH invited a couple for dinner after I asked him not to

(72 Posts)
Armadale Tue 30-Jul-13 23:09:48

He mentioned to me he thinks he should invite them and I specifically said, no, please do not invite them.

He was then phoned by them and invited them to dinner angry

He says it was a spur of the moment thing, it just came out of his mouth.
I'm cross with him that he did it after I said not to, feels like he put impressing/placating these people before my opinion. He has apologised and said he should not have done so.

Here's the thing: what should I do?

I do not want these people in my house- we see them fortnightly at a group we attend with other people, I'm fine with that but I do not want to be friends with them.I do not want to discuss personal things with them that are more likely to enter the conversation at a dinner than casually in a group with other people.

(The man gives me the creeps. I think he is an EA. He gaslights a lot about things that don't even matter, eg if he's 10 mins late he will then say 'good job I got here just on the dot of half past' as if it is going to remake history in my head and he was really on time iyswim. That sounds a silly example but he does it a lot about different things).

On the other hand, I can't ask DH to ring up and say 'no, sorry, you can't come'.

I don't want an enormous row with DH,, he knows he got it wrong and he has apologised, but the thought of this man in my house is just bluergh.

(DH wandering around so might not be able to answer promptly )

motherinferior Wed 31-Jul-13 16:23:37

Hmmm, if I invited people round that DP didn't like (and I'm sure I do, quite often, tbh, as am much more sociable than he is) and he asked me to cancel I probably wouldn't. It would just be less hideously embarrassing to have them than to ring up awkwardly to say no.

But I do think he should be cooking in any case, if he invited them.

They sound horrid, btw, don't blame you for not wanting to see them but I don't think pulling an 'if you loved me you'd bin them' will really wash here.

Armadale Wed 31-Jul-13 16:27:00

Oh motherinferior, you've worried me again!

" I don't think pulling an 'if you loved me you'd bin them' will really wash here." this is what I was worried about last night.

After reading the posts and thinking about it this morning I thought refusing to have it was the right thing to do.

Now I don't know again!

motherinferior Wed 31-Jul-13 16:28:06

I'd go out, actually. I've come round to that POV. Book a nice night at the cinema.

motherinferior Wed 31-Jul-13 16:28:49

That way they come round, you don't have to see them, and DH's Honour Is Satisfied.

Oldraver Wed 31-Jul-13 16:29:06

OP..Your DH saying he cant go back on it...he is putting saving face before your feelings and he needs telling this is not on at all....

With regard to you being volunteered by creepy bloke...did you put him straight or have you gone along with it. I hope you didnt say sorry to him

justmyview Wed 31-Jul-13 16:35:15

If it's any comfort, I did this once. My DH specially said he preferred me to consult him before making plans and the very next day, I invited people over for dinner without consulting him. Honest mistake. Really did slip my mind. I don't agree that your DH was deliberately out of order, knowing he'd get away with it

I'd have been upset / embarrassed / cross if he'd insisted on going out that night, or insisted I cancel.

Could you go out somewhere fairly cheap? That way, you're not getting into reciprocal invitations and you can leave as early as you like.

clam Wed 31-Jul-13 16:35:23

"'I think x is a bit upset that you didn't appreciate his confidence in you. Might be worth saying sorry'."

shock shock shock
She said THAT??????
I'd have been livid. Shame you didn't say "Actually, I'm a bit upset he volunteered my services without asking me first, so it might be worth him saying sorry to me. Saccharine PA smile.

Armadale Wed 31-Jul-13 16:37:03

Old raver- I was sort of saved by circumstances- the thing has since been moved to a date when I am already rostered on to do something else where I am the only person who can do it, meaning someone else has to be given the job he assigned me- wasn't really brave enough to turn it down to his face so just felt very relieved when that happened. I didn't apologise at the time. I now find myself on the end of lots of barbed comments about him having to rearrange it and what a thankless task being the organiser is...

Going to walk the dog now so will have a think

Armadale Wed 31-Jul-13 16:39:15

clam, I'm so glad it would have annoyed you. It helps to know I'm not just being a cow- I so often feel it must be me...sometimes I feel completely mad around him. But I never know what to say at the time only in the car on the way home

Right, really am off to walk the dog now.

ENormaSnob Wed 31-Jul-13 16:42:50

I tell them to get fucked, including your husband.

You explicitly told him not to invite them and he did anyway hmm

Does he generally have no respect for you and your feelings?

NoSquirrels Wed 31-Jul-13 16:46:08

Let DH make the arrangements, then on the day of the dinner just invent an emergency - friend with a childcare crisis, perhaps - which means sadly you'd need to be out on that evening. Then go to the cinema. Obviously you need to tell DH that's the plan, as it is a compromise, but his honour is satisfied and your feelings respected.

You would have to suffer him in your house, but you wouldn't be there and DH could be responsible for light chitchat and not divulging personal matters.

NoSquirrels Wed 31-Jul-13 16:50:30

But YANBU - he sounds like an arse, and his wife doesn't sound much better.

ARealDame Wed 31-Jul-13 16:54:22

I think the dispute with your husband is a separate issue.

Re. the couple for dinner - I would definitely not have them around at your house. If you feel as uncomfortable as you say, trust your instincts. You don't need to justify it here or anywhere else (though your examples are creepy).

Just get your husband to make an excuse. Illness is a good one. Sorry, you (the wife) had other plans, another. You don't want to "fall out" with them but I think you are absolutely right to cancel and distance yourself.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 31-Jul-13 16:55:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

if you do cancel, just don't post on fb that night if they are on your friends lists ;-)
If you don't cancel think the sound of a meal out is a good idea to avoid arguments and stress.

fabergeegg Wed 31-Jul-13 17:45:05

What about inviting a number of people with similar interests so that they still get to come but don't progress the friendship? If you were to say, 'We knew you wouldn't mind if we threw it open to such and such as you'll be very interested to share views on...'. Provided that you have some bland, tolerant people to act as a buffer, it could then pass off quite formally, rather than intimately.

Vanillapod1980 Wed 31-Jul-13 17:50:28

I'd make an excuse to cancel then never get round to rearranging.

I'd tell DH he can make friends with them in his own time if he so likes, but not to make any arrangements with them that involve you as well.

My DP has a friend who's wife I cannot stand (she has been very rude to me and DP in the past) so I've told DP he is welcome to continue his friendship with the bloke but don't expect me to spend time with his wife

Arcticwaffle Wed 31-Jul-13 18:10:06

I'd do what one poster suggested and go out on the lash, then roll home in time for a bit of pudding and a bit of chat so you don't seem that unfriendly, but leaving the whole dinner - cooking and entertaining - to DH.

I have quite often gone out when DP has invited friends over, in the past, and I think a cheery wave on return from the pub isn't too awkward. We do tend to see our friends separately quite a lot rather than couple - to- couple anyway.

Some of his friends and family probably think I'm a bit weird or a bit of a pisshead but that's preferable to sitting around being polite when you don't really have much in common with people.

StuntGirl Wed 31-Jul-13 18:24:51

I would absolutely not let them come round. If my partner was so insistent on starting a friendship with them he would be welcome to it - but he could do it all. Shopping, preparing, cooking, cleaning, tidying and entertaining. I would go out and leave him to it.

Xales Wed 31-Jul-13 19:22:10

So are you doing the 12 hours he kindly volunteered you for?

You need to make it clear to who ever is in charge or sets up these things that this man does not own you and has no fucking say in your time and offering it up to other people and that you will not hesitate to say no if he offers you again. If he offers your services again you would appreciate it if they said they will ask you if you want to do it. Not accept some strange man's agreement for you.

This has really got my back up. Who the fuck does he think he is and who the hell does his wife think she and he are! He has no idea of your circumstances or how busy you are.

No wonder you don't want dinner with them.

Your H is refusing to acknowledge your feelings about this. Have you told him everything? This is worth an argument if he is just ignoring you.

I would definitely be going out now.

Stropzilla Wed 31-Jul-13 19:28:01

Can dh not ring them and say sorry I invited you before speaking to Armadale and she had already made plans.Can we rearrange? Great I'll call you about it.

And don't call.

Hand DH the Pom Bears and tell him to get on with it. And then go out.

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