to be annoyed that 'playdate' turned out to be a birthday party?

(64 Posts)
FCEK Tue 23-Jul-13 18:32:31

I'll give a wee bit of background as I don't want to drip feed.

My DD is in her first year of primary. The mother of one of them is a bit strange. Other mothers have commented on this also. She does not appear to enjoy conversation - not responding or acting irritated that you have tried to speak to her.

If my DD went up to her DD to give that girl a hug goodbye at home time, the mum would pull her daughter away and shoot me a dirty look hmm

Last week, she sent me a Facebook message. I was surprised as we don't have mutual friends and also because my privacy settings mean I shouldnt be 'found' but anyway...the message was asking if my DD would like to come to her house for a playdate with her DD.

I was taken aback but said it would be nice and agreed as DD does like her DD. I arranged for DM to drop her off and pick her up as DM watches DD whilst I'm at work.

I arrived home from work at my DMs to pick up DD and DM tells me when she dropped DD off, there was a 'happy birthday' sign on the door. DM thought maybe it was the mum's birthday or something but there are about 10 other kids there. DM is embarrassed as DD did not have a present with her, nor was she dressed for a party - just casual and a bit wet as she had apparently jumped in a puddle on the way there blush.

The mum said she didn't want anyone bringing presents (which I think is a shame for her DD). according to my DM, DD was visibly uncomfortable at the fact she was not the only one there, that she didn't know the other kids etc (she's normally confident).

AIBU to think its unfair to let me and my DD think she was the only one invited, for DD to feel special (it was to be her first ever 'grown up' playdate that didn't involve going to next door neighbours houses), to not enable DD to bring a present (it seems other kids did), to embarrass us, and to think its downright ODD not to say something is a birthday party when it is?

actually I think that is nice, she didnt want her dd having presents and everyone would have brought them if they had known, kids dont need to be in frocks and bering gifts to have a nice party. did your dd enjoy it?

iwantavuvezela Tue 23-Jul-13 18:39:19

I think this is more a case or the mother trying to have a low key birthday for her DD, and for her reasons not wanting presents or the fuss around it. she has inadvertently upset you, but I would say that she was probably unaware of this. Rather tell your DD how lovely it was that it turned into a surprise birthday, and that her friend must really like her to invite her. I can understand your DD been upset as at that age, I know how they can respond to the unknown ......

FCEK Tue 23-Jul-13 18:40:52

she hasn't said very much about it TBH. I just feel it is odd not to say there would be other kids and that it was a party. DD was confused at first.

xylem8 Tue 23-Jul-13 18:43:14

I think it's nice just a nice lowkey birthday gathering that nobody had to go to any trouble for.I think you are looking for reasons to be offended

MortifiedAdams Tue 23-Jul-13 18:45:12

MAybe they are Jehovas Witnesses?

ll31 Tue 23-Jul-13 18:46:48

Yabu to expect other people to know when it is your dd s first playdate is....

As long as none of the other children knew it was a birthday party then I wouldn't worry about it. I had one a while ago, where we (me, DH and DD) were invited to a bbq. When we arrived it was birthday celebration for a 4yo, who was at pre-school with DD. We weren't the only ones there, but we were the only ones who had no idea that it was a birthday blush

FCEK Tue 23-Jul-13 18:48:44

not wanting a fuss is okay, I'm most annoyed about being led to believe it was just DD and her getting all excited about it.

treelorex Tue 23-Jul-13 18:48:44

if she was a Jehovah's witness she wouldn't have a 'happy birthday' sign up......

FCEK Tue 23-Jul-13 18:50:34

JFL - at least some of them did know, DD has said they brought presents, she has just said she wished I had remembered a present sad you seem to understand how embarrassing it is as it happened to you at that BBQ

KurriKurri Tue 23-Jul-13 18:53:00

From what you say of the mum, it may be that she struggles a little socially - sometimes getting things wrong. Some people are like that - it doesn't make them horrible people. The fact is, she thought about your DD, thought she would like to come to her DDs party, invited her round but made it low key - perhaps she didn't want you to feel obliged to take a present, I'd say the fact that she asked your DD round is an attempt at friendship, - she may be very shy but is making an effort for her DDs sake - if that is the case good for her, and you should cut her some slack.

I'm sorry your Dd was disaapointed that it wasn't a playdate, but my kids would have thought it was brilliant if a playdate turned out to be a birthday party.

JaquelineHyde Tue 23-Jul-13 18:54:27

I would think it was actually quite a nice surprise.

It sounds like you are just looking for a reason to not like this woman.

Have you not asked your DD if she enjoyed herself, what they did etc etc? hmm

JohnnyUtah Tue 23-Jul-13 18:54:43

It is odd. And I can see why your DD felt awkward. But it can be a lesson for her in resilience - make it into a positive, help her learn to deal with the unexpected.

It's a bit weird if other children knew that it was a party. I wonder if your DD was a last minute invite (I know that we were) and the mum didn't want you to stress trying to get a present sorted out at short notice. (i had several items I could have wrapped up with 2 minutes notice - but I suppose she couldn't be expected to know that). I'm sorry that your DD was discountenanced by this, but try not to hold it against the mum, I'm guessing that it wasn't done with that intention. I'd probably just get something and a "sorry it's late (because we weren't told anything about it)" card!

Still18atheart Tue 23-Jul-13 18:57:44

Perhaps it was a siblings birthday and the mum thought it would be nice if the other siblings invited a friend so they knew someone and didn't feel left out.

JaquelineHyde Tue 23-Jul-13 18:58:07

Actually if your DD was the only person from your school that was invited it may well have been that she didn't want to offend anyone else at school by not inviting any of them.

If she struggles socially and by the sounds of it is already a bit of an outsider in your group, upsetting more people and giving them another reason to gossip about her would be horrible and something she was possibly desperate to avoid.

diddl Tue 23-Jul-13 19:13:01

Was it definitely a party for your daughter's friend?

Perhaps your daughter was a last minute addition, or the mum knew/suspected she wouldn't attend if she knew it was a party/others would be there?

FCEK Tue 23-Jul-13 19:15:10

I see your point JH, I don't think the child struggles socially, I know she always plays with my DD and another child at school.

the birthday girl didn't turn up at my DD's party despite being invited alongside other kids from school.

No one has an issue with the birthday girl, but the mother has a reputation for being odd.

FCEK Tue 23-Jul-13 19:16:58

diddl - it was deffo a party for the playdate child and I would have let my DD attend either way, it just would have been nice to know the full story

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 23-Jul-13 19:17:11

I understand OP, I would think it was odd too

I don't think you should be annoyed, though. Hope DD had a good time and count yourself lucky you didn't have to schlep to the Entertainer for a birthday present

BrokenBanana Tue 23-Jul-13 19:17:17

I agree with KurriKurri, it does as sound as if she is just socially awkward. I'd take it as a positive thing that she invited your DD.

Lovingmybabiesbottom Tue 23-Jul-13 19:20:17

I would think odd but almost as soon i had thought that, the thought would be replaced with the thought that actually dd probably found it a nice surprise. Not all play dates are going to involve party games and birthday cake, that's for sure!

KobayashiMaru Tue 23-Jul-13 19:20:48

I think its a bit odd that you need your dd to feel special, and singly invited to play, I can't imagine thinking the same.
Also I think it a bad lesson for young girls that they have to dress certain ways for one thing over another, that they are wrongly dressed for a situation. If they are 4/5/6 there is no such thing.

They do things differently to you, that doesn't make them odd and you normal. It just means they do things differently to you.

justmyview Tue 23-Jul-13 19:25:31

My DD would be delighted to go to a friend's house to play & even more so if it turned out that birthday cake was involved. Don't look for reasons to be upset. Go with the flow

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