So the background is this (apologies in advance for long post): DH is an only child so the only source of grandchildren. MIL has been desperate for a grandchild. Seriously desperate. The first time we ever met - I'd been with DH for 6 months - she got tearful telling me how much she wanted one. The pressure this has put me under from day one is immense. Part of the problem is that she has 6 siblings who all have at least two DGCs each, and she has felt left out. She got divorced after DH was born and one of her sisters once told me that she wanted a DGC so she could have another baby to look after, which is sad but also freaked me out a bit.
DH is the only offspring in the family to move away from his hometown, which she resents. It sounds mad but him getting a good job in London has made him the black sheep of the family. None of the other women in the family work so MIL has always been baffled by my having a career instead of popping out sprogs. She has never, in the 10 years I've been with DH, asked anything about my life. I don't even know if she has any idea what I do for a living. But she is personable and friendly when talking about her own stuff (which is what her great-nieces are doing, what the baby who lives next door is doing, what some strangers' kids she saw in the park were doing, etc) so I've tried to be civil, but really it's as if we're from different planets.
After years of telling her we wouldn't be having kids, we had DS. I had a miscarriage prior to that, which devastated me. When DH told her over the phone that I was expecting, he mentioned the miscarriage for the first time and said "We didn't tell you about it because we didn't want you to be upset." Which totally sums it up - she would have viewed it as her losing a grandchild rather than me and DH suffering a loss.
Anyway, things were just about ok until DS's arrival because we only saw her twice a year. Now DS is here she wants to visit every month. The first time she visited was when DS was a month old. He wasn't sleeping, had been in hospital for an infection, was struggling to bf and I was recovering from a pretty traumatic emergency C-section. Still she didn't ask how I was. I understand that she was excited to see her grandchild but she stayed for a week and never once uttered the words "how are you". Isn't that just basic conversation? One morning I staggered downstairs on the verge of tears and told her I was feeling broken after only getting an hour's sleep. She burst out laughing and said to DS: "Oh, are you being naughty for mummy? I don't believe it because you're so gorgeous!" I could happily have killed her. She's also let it be known that she doesn't approve of bfing, which she considers to be for hippies.
I'm finding it impossible to hide my feelings, which I know is immature but I've always been rubbish at it. I'm trying to give her what she wants by leaving her with DS and me getting out of the way. When I'm holding DS or pushing the pram she just stares and stares with longing, so I let her take DS out on his own and leave her to play with him even when my instinct is saying he needs picking up and taken to play on his own for a bit (she is great with him but doesn't pick up on the signals that he's tired or wants a bit of space). But things have come to a head with DH this week after her latest visit, which came with the usual eye-rolling when I mentioned baby-led weaning, and comments of "well I suppose he'll cry his little self to sleep eventually" when I didn't rush in at his first whimper. He turned around this morning and said he didn't think our marriage would last if I didn't make an effort and grin and bear it.
AIBU? Any advice on how to deal with her? She adores DS and I do appreciate that. DH is coming home from work later and I'd like to be honest and tell him how much the miscarriage comment hurt me (I never said so at the time because of the happy news about the new pregnancy) but will he just accuse me of dredging up old stuff? He used to be the one complaining about her baby obsession but since DS was born he's ignoring everything she does and seems convinced it's all down to me.
Like I said - apologies for the long post. and breathe
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AIBU?
To have had enough of my MIL?
48 replies
Frenchsticker · 23/07/2013 14:14
OP posts:
ArtexMonkey ·
23/07/2013 15:10
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