To not tell her...

(30 Posts)
VanitasVanitatum Tue 23-Jul-13 11:30:55

So I'd been dating this guy for a few months, seemed really nice, always took me out for dinner or days out, didn't rush things (didn't even kiss me til about the fourth date!), talked about things we'd do together in the next few months, generally not many warning signs except one - seemed to avoid inviting me to his.

Friend of mine decided this was odd, as was the fact that he hadn't added me on Facebook, so decided to track down his fb account (he wasn't searchable). Friend then calls me and says it looks like he has a girlfriend.. Checked it out and yep, seems he's happily living with a lovely looking girl, they look v happy together.

So of course, I have ignored him since, deleted his number etc. I didn't want to confront him because frankly I'd rather he think I just got bored, might dent his ego a tiny bit.. And I don't really want to waste energy on such a wankbadger. Hadn't considered saying anything at all to the girl, mainly because it didn't seem like my place, it might be for the wrong reasons, and it just generally seems distasteful.

However, my dilemma now is that a couple of my close friends have told me I'm wrong not to tell her, that she deserves to know, and that in her place they would hope they'd be told. I now wonder if I'm somehow colluding with him in keeping it quiet?

So, help please mumsnet.. AIBU to just draw a line and do nothing?

CeliaFate Wed 24-Jul-13 09:34:16

Stay out of it. If you tell her you've no idea what the repercussions will be. He could turn nasty and harass you.
You're responsible for your decisions, he's responsible for his.

I think the kind thing is to let her know. Its really tough on you that's you've ended up in this position, but in her shoes wouldn't you want to know? If you do it as kindly as possible, she can see you aren't getting any kind of kick out of it, just passing on information that she can do what she wants with.

A couple of similar things happened to me in the past - a guy I met online dating (didn't ever get round to meeting but nearly did). I thought he was single, his wife got in contact with me, I passed on all the info to her. Another time I saw a guy from school on a site, he was engaged to someone else I knew from home. That time I didn't let her know - he asked me not to. I'm sure I did the wrong thing but I felt like I just couldn't face it. I guess I could so much better anticipate her pain and couldn't face getting involved. Maybe a bit cowardly, but so much harder when you know the poor woman involved.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 23-Jul-13 19:15:38

Rhubarb he is indeed lovely!! Unfortunately just a friend. I don't think I could tell her anonymously as I could only contact her on Facebook..

DoJo Tue 23-Jul-13 15:13:42

I agree - if he is living with her and potentially putting her at risk of STIs then she deserves to know. You can give her the information you have and leave it at that and what she chooses to do with it is up to her.

THERhubarb Tue 23-Jul-13 14:48:14

Your male friend sounds very caring, are you sure you don't want to look for love a little closer to home?

I would tell her anonymously. Mention that he had contacted you as a single man, that you had been in regular contact and had many dates and that you have only decided to tell her because a friend of yours discovered her Facebook page which linked to him as her boyfriend. Don't put your name on there but you can tell her what his email is etc so she knows you are not completely bullshitting.

It's then entirely up to her. She can either choose to believe him or do a little digging of her own and find out he's a scumbag. Either way you might just prevent her from making a HUGE mistake with him or even worse - if he is sleeping around behind her back, that does put her at risk as no protection is 100% guaranteed. On those grounds alone I think she needs to know that he is cheating.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 23-Jul-13 14:14:10

I know Facebook is a dodgy thing to rely on for facts, but yes I've seen the pages, his is very private (for obvious reasons I imagine) but my friend went through his friend list and looked at the girls pages, from hers there is no doubt that they are a couple and live together. My friend's motives were probably a combination of being nosy and caring about me, as I had told him I was a bit worried about the fact that I was never invited to his.

I would have no trouble if she wanted proof as I could screenshot a lot of messages between us. I hadn't thought about sti's though.. I am so glad I didn't sleep with him :/

HeffalumpTheFlump Tue 23-Jul-13 13:34:54

I really admire your attitude in this situation. You are right that it would be a bigger dent to his ego to believe you just got bored. However if I was the other woman, I would want to know. They are living together, so it's obviously a pretty serious relationship. She doesnt deserve to have him making her look like a joke, so I think tell her. Don't expect her to be grateful though!!

THERhubarb Tue 23-Jul-13 13:24:14

Tell her anonymously then she can make her own mind up. At least you will have given this girl a chance to question him and you might just save her from a disasterous marriage or becoming a single mum. If not, then you did what you could and the rest is up to her.

I disagree with people saying it's none of your business. It is your business as he was courting you and pretending to be single. You were involved. You can choose to allow him to continue to cheat with others or you can step in and tell what you know.

After you've got to the bottom of this facebook business and made sure of your facts that is.

TalkativeJim Tue 23-Jul-13 13:23:42

i'd tell her, because in her shoes i would want to know

ICBINEG Tue 23-Jul-13 13:21:42

I am such a cow in comparison to you OP. I would have strung him along, gotten some seriously compromising evidence and then laid into him....

but you definitely have the right of it! I must focus on being a better person...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 23-Jul-13 13:20:32

You weren't to know and when you found out, you dropped him so that counts for a lot.

He can probably compartmentalise so can 'love' her but go behind her back and romance other women. "What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over".

He is a greedy person who thinks life is a sweet shop. He bagged someone so she's spoken for but plays around because he can't restrict his appetite.

THERhubarb Tue 23-Jul-13 13:20:27

I would err on the side of caution here. If he was prepared to cheat on her with you then he might also have a few other 'girlfriends' in the wings. He was a gent with you but he might have slept with other women in this relationship and might actually be putting her sexual health at risk.

I agree that you cannot take Facebook at face value. Also, why was your friend so keen to dig the dirt up on this man? Have you see the alleged facebook account yourself or are you just taking her word for it? How did she find it? My facebook account is impossible to search for and if you did find it, you would not discover anything about me other than to see my name and a picture (of no-one in particular) so how did she find out about a girlfriend?

I would question your friend's motives and to be honest I would ask him outright if he has a girlfriend. There may be an explanation but if there isn't then telling him that you know may be enough.

I disagree that his girlfriend would know already, I know enough from Mumsnet threads that even with the most obvious of evidence there are still women who are still willing to believe and trust in their partners. I doubt she does know.

BridgetBidet Tue 23-Jul-13 13:19:34

I would tell her, or perhaps ask one of your friends who is saying you should tell her to tell her on your behalf.

If it had just been a one off and you were drunk, it was a mistake, I would say don't tell. But he has actually made a conscious decision to cheat over quite some period of time. That raises big questions about his whole personality. Tell her.

Keztrel Tue 23-Jul-13 13:13:10

YANBU to not tell her if you don't want to get involved. BUT I think it would bother me knowing that she didn't know, iyswim, because in her shoes I would definitely want to know. She wouldn't necessarily believe you but she'd surely start to question things if she has absolutely no idea. I'd worry they'd get married or have a baby and he'd end up doing it again. Equally I can understand the point of view of those saying it's none of your business and stay away. Tricky!

Crinkle77 Tue 23-Jul-13 13:11:20

I wouldn't say anything. He is obviously an accomplished liar and will probably just make out that you are an obsessive stalker or something. You have done the right thing severing all contact with him so i would just leave it at that.

MrsMelons Tue 23-Jul-13 13:07:24

You should definitely not feel dirty, you ended things with him as soon as you knew, that is a lot more than many people would do.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 23-Jul-13 13:01:57

Thanks for responses so far, I can see the arguments both ways, hence my confusion. I don't know if he was looking for a parachute out or actually just gets a kick from the lies/risk etc.

I agree donkeys she has a lot more to lose, thanks to my friend and his IT skills I wasn't in too deep so walking away is so much easier for me, though he is a cynical twat I think because he was very keen to demonstrate he wasn't in it for sex/actually liked me (clearly not with hindsight) but wanting me fall for him, iyswim. Pretty cruel, really, when he knew I would end up hurt!

I think he probably actually loves her though, if you can love someone you can cheat on? Makes me feel like I'd be being cruel to tell her?

coffee your point makes me feel the most that maybe I should, because of course if he is a serial cheater and they do have dc later on, they could end up hurt.

Confused sad

And thanks bears and kate for the nice comments, I did feel rather dirty afterwards, I'd been dating someone else's boyfriend, kissing him etc.. Ugh.

babybearsmummy Tue 23-Jul-13 12:46:36

Just like to add that it's very honourable of you to walk away and not be selfish trying to carry on and start a relationship with him, you thought of her feelings and saw that he was off limits (for lack of better wording) and there's not a lot of women who do that in this day and age.

KateSpade Tue 23-Jul-13 12:36:11

I had a baby with a boy like this, I never told the girl a thing & moved on. Worked for me. So sorry to hear that, it's an awful thing to go through.

MrsMelons Tue 23-Jul-13 12:35:40

I dated a bloke when I was about 19 and he used to stay over my house at least once a week, a couple of people I didn't really know (just people I met in clubs that knew him not me) told me he had a girlfriend and 2 children whom he lived with.

I didn't actually believe them as I asked him outright and he looked me in the eye and said no. I asked if he had any children he didn't ive with and he said no.

If it had been a friend who had told me I would have believed them of course but I assumed these people were jealous (I was young - have no idea why I thought that).

When I eventually found out for real (by hacking into his answerphone, it was easy in those days) I didn't actually tell her as I thought she was ridiculous for putting up with him when he regularly just didn't bother going home, I heard the messages she left him when he hadn't gone home and she blatantly knew.

Some people really don't want to know and don't want to hear it so I am really not sure I would want to get involved in his/her relationship as you never know how she will react. She does of course deserve to know but my dilemma would be you don't actually know their situation although I can see Donkeys point, if she does already have an idea you saying something may make no difference one way or another.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 23-Jul-13 12:23:33

He was deceiving both of you over months not days or weeks? You were let down but she has more to lose. If she gets pregnant she might not see him for dust if he's already shopping for a parachute out of the relationship. If she is already turning a blind eye to any red flags one heads-up from a stranger won't impact any worse. It would be a kindness to them both to drop him in in it.

CoffeeOne Tue 23-Jul-13 12:16:48

I'd tell her. This happened to me when I was in my early twenties, my bf was cheating on me and afterwards a couple of people told me they knew but didn't want to say anything. That was by far the worst part. I know you don't know this girl but she should know the truth. She truly may have no idea, they could be planning to buy a house or have a baby.

MrsMelons Tue 23-Jul-13 12:03:45

I wouldn't say anything unless I actually knew the girl. I am not sure people thank you for saying anything and TBH it is fairly likely she knows.

LimitedEditionLady Tue 23-Jul-13 11:54:40

Now i think again i dont think id do anything.Obviously id hope someone would tell me if it was me but then again i prob wouldnt believe them unless they could tell me dates and times and it matched.

LimitedEditionLady Tue 23-Jul-13 11:53:02

Maybe an anonymous letter would be good x

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