to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

(345 Posts)
BusyLizzie99 Mon 22-Jul-13 02:40:13

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

roundtable Mon 22-Jul-13 02:47:53

Why would you want to be with someone who treats your child like that.

He sounds horrible and a bully.

Yanbu to stand up to him but from what you've said I'd ltb.

That's a lot of incidents you've noticed sad. What have you said to him at the time? How has he reacted to what you said?

babyhmummy01 Mon 22-Jul-13 03:01:50

I would definitely talk to him about it, but are you witnessing all of this or is it her telling you? Only that it could be.her feeling pushed out by baby

BusyLizzie99 Mon 22-Jul-13 03:09:45

I've seen them but more often they're when he doesn't realise I can see - like the cupboard under stairs one he didn't know I was on landing and saw. He told dd she was impatient and imagined that he stepped back when I know he did.

I've been trying not to undermine him if he's decided she's doing something she shouldn't (like pebbles in pocket) but am struggling to bite my tongue as the rejection dd feels from things like that - when she was being cute not naughty IMO - is obvious.

babyhmummy01 Mon 22-Jul-13 03:15:57

Ah, in that case you need to speak to him and point out you have seen it and its not acceptable. I would assume if baby is his and she isn't hat he is finding it hard to balance the shift in his feelings but that is no excuse for his twatty behaviour.

I think the ltb advice is a tad harsh, but he dies need talking to. Maybe talk to ur hv about parenting classes for step dads in your area and see if he will go to one?

Itsjustapuppet Mon 22-Jul-13 03:20:05

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DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Mon 22-Jul-13 03:35:55

You need to deal with this.

Don't wait until the next incident and bring it up in the heat of the moment. Do it tonight when they've gone to bed, and you've got time to talk.

Try not to be accusing or defensive - or allow him to be.

I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, because quite frankly my initial reaction is, honestly, to say LTB. His reaction to this is his one chance to make amends.

If he doesn't see what you're saying, gets defensive, denies, argues back - basically if he doesn't do anything other than apologise and promise to amend his behaviour immediately, then he doesn't deserve either of you.

MammaTJ Mon 22-Jul-13 03:40:54

Why are you biting your tongue? Yes you are meant to support the person you are co-parenting with but not the extent you allow them to bully your child! Why did you allow him to tell her that she was impatient and imagined that he stepped back when you know he did? I cannot imagine the mind set that allowed you to keep silent in the face of his bullying and lies.

You are her protector, her mother, the one she relies on to make her safe in her own home.

If these are things you have seen when you have been around, imagine what is happening when you are not there.

OK, so it all seems quite low level at the moment, but at 6, she is still only a baby herself (don't tell her I said that, I have a 6 year old who would go mad at that) but if he continues to have the power unstopped, what will he go on to do.

You need to have a conversation when your DD is not around where you state that you know what he is doing and you will not allow it to continue. If that does not go well, then the relationship has to end. You have to protect her.

At fear of being accused of being OTT, I am still going to mention Baby P and the fact that his step father probably tested the water to see what the mother would allow before going on to kill that poor boy.

Your partner is being spiteful to a six year old. I don't care what his feelings or reasons are, there is no excuse. He is bullying her, if another child was doing this you wouldn't put up with it, but this is a grown man. And that's without looking at the cupboard under the stairs incident. He ignored her, then deliberately pushed her, which caused her to bang her head - then he GASLIGHTED her!

Your partner who is supposed to protect your child is not only bullying her, he is teaching her self doubt in relation to being hurt by an adult because she 'imagines' things.

Telling her she imagined it is a massive red flag.

This is child abuse, and he is already sowing the seeds to ensure she doesn't tell - because she won't be believed.

Sod talking. This person is emotionally and physically abusing your child, if you don't protect her who will?

The list of things he has done made my blood run cold, and these are just the things you know about. He is cruel to a child, there can be NO excuse or defence.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Mon 22-Jul-13 04:03:11

Sorry OP, I know this is hard to hear.

There are many, many completely amazing step-fathers out there. But I worked in social research for a while and one of the single most dangerous things to happen in a child's life is to introduce a non-related male into the household.

Children have absolutely no choice in such decisions, but have to live with them every day. And women who prioritise bullish men over their children are not parenting well (to be diplomatic, and put it mildly).

Zazzles007 Mon 22-Jul-13 04:30:28

Wow OP, your 'D'P is abusing your 6yr who I am assuming you love and cherish, when he should be treating her with nothing but love, respect and care. This is a huge red flag. sad

Secretswitch Mon 22-Jul-13 04:31:24

Your daughter needs and deserves your protection. She is a defenceless child, he is a grown man. There is never any reason for an adult to bully a child and that is exactly what he is doing. Imagine how alone your dd must feel.
My dh has been stepfather to my dc since they were 8 and 10 yrs old. He loves them and cares for them. He also understands that I will always choose the safety and happiness of my dc over a man any day.

ratbagcatbag Mon 22-Jul-13 04:58:26

Your poor little girl, what a nasty man he is. You need to tackle this and make sure your dd knows she cab tell you anything at all. What the hell happens when you're not in with them. sad

SlimePrincess Mon 22-Jul-13 04:59:56

He is a bully.

kickassangel Mon 22-Jul-13 05:11:13

He is bullying you as well, pretending he didn't do something he did.
And he mainly does it when you're not around, so it is controlled and calculating, not an accident.
He is also trying to push the baby between you and her, physically and mentally.

Unless this is really out of character for him, and he suddenly becomes a loving supportive partner, you could have a very difficult time ahead of you.

GingerBlondecat Mon 22-Jul-13 05:13:10

Please OP, give your Precious DD a (((((((((((((Hug))))))))) from me.

This is so sad sad

TotallyBursar Mon 22-Jul-13 05:24:14

Why do you need to ask?

How does he treat you? He is doing these things in front of you too (the pebbles, calling the dog) why do you think, he thinks he can get away with this behaviour in front of her mother? He clearly is expecting some retaliation & knows exactly how wrong he is or he wouldn't wait to be out of sight.
A 6 year old has no defense against a grown adult physically, mentally or emotionally, every adult knows how vulnerable children are, more so to the whims of their parents.
His reaction to being pulled up on it will be very telling. But, even if he does all the right things you will need to monitor things for a long time - the stresses yet to come with parenting a pre-teen, teen and young woman will be many.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Mon 22-Jul-13 05:27:44

Again, just to reiterate that there are countless amazing step-fathers and step-parents out there who love and cherish their step-children. But this might be interesting reading, as a first port of call, OP.

emblosion Mon 22-Jul-13 05:32:00

Oh OP sad your post made for such sad reading. You absolutely must stand up for your daughter, its completely unacceptable for your partner to treat her like this & I too find the fact he told her she was 'imagining' what had happened very worrying and a bit sinister.

I agree that you should confront him, not in the heat of the moment, and make no bones about how concerned you are. I would be reading him the riot act to be honest.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 22-Jul-13 05:32:16

Those incidents are really awful individually not to mind when you add them up. Please please please protect your lovely little daughter. You sound like a lovely Mum and she sounds like a lovely child. Help her.

Morgause Mon 22-Jul-13 05:34:30

He knows exactly what he's doing and it's deliberate.

Your poor DD needs your protection from this horrible man, he's trying to exclude her from your family life.

emblosion Mon 22-Jul-13 05:39:10

And to add, I have a stepfather who would never have done anything like what you describe, I remember very well the child that I was and can only imagine how it would have felt if he had treated me less kindly. My stepsister and I are treated the same by both our parents & we are close as a result I think.

Your daughter is relying on you to protect her. I wouldn't tolerate that sort of thing from anyone, not my sons dad, grandad, uncle, anyone.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 22-Jul-13 05:41:53

It's not just twatty behaviour it's dangerous & sinister & abusive.

I wouldn't talk to him about I'd LTB.

But then I wouldn't quietly watch as he abused my child either, the first time would be the last.

I don't care if it sounds harsh. Remove your daughter from harms way.

daisychain01 Mon 22-Jul-13 05:58:27

YANBU and Your partner needs to be stopped in their tracks. Everything you have written fills me with dread. Don't wait until things escalate to crisis point before taking action to do something. I never normally go to the extreme of saying get that person out of your, and your DDs life, but this is the exception.

He sounds a cruel, vindictive bully and I believe that you should not need to be making excuses for his appauling behaviour towards a defenseless 6 year old. Jealous? Blow that, he's a man and should grow up.

Sorry I am definitely not a man hater, but I am a bully hater! Saying nothing is not a good option, go by your maternal instincts, you feel it is wrong, and you are right. (((((Big hug to you and DD)))) keep us posted please.

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