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to let dd cry while I shower?

(123 Posts)
BusyLizzie99 Sat 20-Jul-13 12:37:11

90% of the time I manage to get up and showered before 14 month old dd wakes but sometimes (like today) she wakes uncharacteristically early. She hates me showering and despite putting toys out etc, taking her in bathroom so she can see me she screams the entire time. Dp sometimes works away so him taking her isn't an option. She isn't interested in tv and to be honest I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her unsupervised even if she was. AIBU to just get it over and done with? Obviously I have to wash but am open to suggestions of what you do with your similar aged children? Have tried bathing with her but she wants me to hold her the entire time and she only naps when out walking.

Jan49 Sun 21-Jul-13 00:14:32

What do you actually do with her when you're going to the toilet or cooking? Do you put her in a cot? I'd do whatever you normally do and do it for showers too.

BusyLizzie99 Sun 21-Jul-13 00:19:09

She sits on my lap while I go to the toilet and I hold her when I cook! She doesn't have a cot.

Jan49 Sun 21-Jul-13 00:53:21

I'm completely baffled by this TBH. I can understand doing that with a new baby or in the first few months, but I can't see how you've reached 14 months without apparently putting her down while you do other things. I don't think I ever took my ds to the toilet with me at home or held him whilst I cooked at any age.

I think you need something like a cot or playpen, a safe place to leave her, where she'll have toys and quickly learn that although you go away and leave her, you also come back. Then she'll hopefully learn to play happily. I hate the idea of telling someone to leave a baby/child to cry, but if you can't even go to the toilet alone, I think you need to leave her to cry a bit. She needs to learn that you won't be with her every second of her waking day.

sparklekitty Sun 21-Jul-13 08:46:47

My DD does this sometimes. She always comes into the bathroom with me but sometimes cries. I'm the same, I'm willing to give up a lot for my DD but a daily shower, esp when I have to work, is not one of them.

We bought a bubble machine which I pop on when she gets grumpy. She loves it and spends ages trying to catch/pop the bubbles. Between that and the worlds quickest shower-er we get by.

Why does it take ten minutes? You shower in a few mins then get dressed with her? Same for teeth brushing. Or wait until she's had breakfast and milk etc and is a bit calmer. She probably doesn't like to be leftas she knows what's coming so changing the order might help.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 21-Jul-13 08:54:14

I used to put the door bouncer up and stick him in that. He used to cry still but he was near by, had toys and could hear me talking to him.

Is 14 months too old for a door bouncer though? I think it probably is, isnt it.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 21-Jul-13 09:02:04

Ooh bubble machine is a good idea... Turn it into a 'only happens when I shower' thing and make it into a treat?

Failing that can you put a cartoon/ song on a phone/ iPad/ mini DVD player or something that can be taken into a bathroom?

My approach would be make a nice routine and stick to it and see if being firm yet establishing something nice will break the habit. I do think they have to learn that a couple of mins doing something they don't want to do is ok, and can be part of a routine, without traumatizing them...

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 21-Jul-13 09:03:01

(I suspect you are the one that gets traumatized more btw!)

From the proud owner of a Velcro child.

Smartiepants79 Sun 21-Jul-13 09:03:10

I agree with jan I'm afraid. She is 14 months not 4 months!
I would really expect her to be able to sit on the floor in the bathroom so she can see you and entertain her self for 5 minutes.
This is learnt behaviour.
Many people are going to disagree with me but I believe that a few minutes of crying is not going to harm her and she may slowly learn that being on her own for short periods is actually ok.
This is just such hard work for you.
Personally think cooking whilst holding a toddler is a disaster waiting to happen.

StrawbsAndChampers Sun 21-Jul-13 09:53:45

I pop DD in her travel cot with toys and a dvd on if I need to shower, cook, go to toilet etc, shes safe there while I get on.

Im impressed that you manage to hold her while youre cooking, my DD is 15 months and a lead weight grin

Wont she go in her high chair and have a snack while you are cooking?

RobotBananas Sun 21-Jul-13 09:53:58

Agree. You can't keep on with sitting her on your lap when you go to the loo, or carry her all the time.

YummyYummyYum Sun 21-Jul-13 12:08:54

Don't feel guilty, let her cry and just shower as quickly as you can. Just make sure she is in a safe place (her cot, playpen) when she is out of your sight.

I should be following my own advice my baby does exactly the same, but I usually wait until DH is home to take a shower. In fact, we do 'shifts' for any shower or bath. I am aware not everyone can do the same, so don't feel guilty, you have to tend to your own needs too.

BusyLizzie99 Sun 21-Jul-13 12:59:36

When she's walking confidently she can go play while I go to the toilet or cook though but I'll still have to shut her in the bathroom with me for showers. She isn't scared if the shower and is happy to play/wash in it. I left the shower door open this morning and she was happier - maybe the steaming up and me slowly disappearing freaked her out?! Unfortunately she's not fussed about bubbles but otherwise that's a good idea. Fingers crossed door open continues to work - even if it means a bit of a wet bathroom floor!

Mumsyblouse Sun 21-Jul-13 13:06:29

Busy in all honesty, I think you need to start preparing her just a tiny bit for not being held 24/7. In a tiny baby I think holding all the time is reasonable, but I don't think that going to the toilet with a 14 month old is at all ok, nor cooking with her, she's big and could kick out and it's quite dangerous. I had clingy children who wanted to be held a lot, but as a friend of mine pointed out to me, learning to play alone, be interested in things, and so on is a skill and you have to teach it. I am not for abandoning crying children, but equally, I think teaching her not to freak out when you are in the room but not holding her is quite essential now you need to get on with your life (what if you had another?!) Walking isn't going to make her suddenly detach from you. I am not suggesting leaving her with others, just getting her used to even a few minutes where she is safe and ok without being in your arms.

Mumsyblouse Sun 21-Jul-13 13:08:02

And- she won't learn to entertain herself if you provide bubbles/entertainment for the few seconds she is not in your arms.

BusyLizzie99 Sun 21-Jul-13 13:14:15

I have two others Mumsy. I don't hold her all day long - she happily plays/coasts by herself but if she uses her walker to come find me and I'm cooking or going to the toilet and she wants to be held for a bit before going
Off again then I don't ignore her.

I would do it without any hesitation. You're not making her cry, you're letting her cry which is a big difference.

You are doing yourself no favours constantly carrying her. I promise she won't remember and hate you for it when she grows up! (Well, no complaints from my 4 year olds so far grin)

DrSeuss Sun 21-Jul-13 13:15:16

I haven't read the whole thing so please excuse me if it has been said before.
Put her down!
She is fourteen months, not days.
She has legs.
She has to be apart from you sometime.
You are a person too. She needs to learn that just occasionally, Mummy gets to come first.

I love the patronising responses - she has to learn independence - yes because she'll be clingy forever. She's 14 months, that's what they do.
My 19 month old is in a clingy phase at the moment (she's ill) but I roll with it. Her brother was the same - now he's not so much.

Fakebook Sun 21-Jul-13 13:54:21

Shower at night. I stopped showering in the morning a very long time ago. 6 years almost.

catgirl1976 Sun 21-Jul-13 14:02:52

I couldn't leave the house without a morning shower

I just don't feel clean otherwise - especially not in this heat

Mintyy Sun 21-Jul-13 14:05:35

14 months is plenty old enough not to cry if mummy isn't attached to you or giving you her full attention. Its a pita for everyone if a child is that clingy.

UnexpectedStepmum Sun 21-Jul-13 14:18:35

I had a light bulb moment with DD1 when I met a mother of triplets. I asked how on earth she managed and she said she had to let two get on with it while dealing with the third, even when all three were crying. After that I took the time for the occasional loo visit alone, and didn't make myself feel guilty by imagining she was a twin!

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