to be pissed off with ex and his pregnant missus?

(233 Posts)

so ex and I have an eight year old son together who he sees every weekend.
they are expecting a baby together and so are my oh and I(bit Jeremy kyle I know!).
its ds's birthday in a couple of weeks and it will be falling on a weekend when his dad has him.
I presumed his dad would be happy about this and would be doing something with him as he has whinged for the last six years about how he never has him on his birthday and never gets to take him out for birthday either.
considering I have arranged and payed for trips to theme parks,animal parks,parties etc for his birthdays for the past six years I don't think this is a unfair expectation.
I have also arranged to take him and a couple of school friends out to the cinema and pizza hut the Friday before his birthday as my b'day treat to him.
however,son comes home last weekend and says that dad wont be doing anything for him on his birthday as pregnant missus doesn't really want to be on her feet much and cant go on rides etc.
im royally pissed off about this as I feel that that's her rigfht but why cant they go out without her?
it seems that since she has been pregnant ive had to pull ex up on a lot of things regarding my son being affected by her needy mood swings.
imten years older than her,on my second pregnancy and just getting on with things as normal.
very worried that ds will start to feel pushed out by them and new baby and also as a result may start to feel that it will be the same with my bubba too which it most definitely wont!

mathanxiety Thu 25-Jul-13 04:17:39

No matter what sort of low life your ex is you don't have to stoop to the same level as him in order to communicate.

You do not normally get anywhere with people by game playing, which is what that was. It's too easy when you do that to be dismissed as a bitter, snide nag who likes point scoring more than honest discussion of things that come up.

It's always a better choice to be principled and to use direct and businesslike speech.

LittleBearPad Thu 25-Jul-13 08:15:09

Math. You are over thinking this A LOT.

Tuckshop Thu 25-Jul-13 10:21:04

She asked him what his plans were casually. That sounds to me like the sort of small talk you'd make with someone at the school gate. Nothing else.

And she didn't know the answer already. She was checking out that her ds wasn't misunderstanding things. IMO she was giving her ex opportunity to prove her wrong about what she suspected and actually finding out the facts direct from the horses mouth.

I don't get why you seem to be wanting to make melon out to be the bad guy.

mathanxiety Thu 25-Jul-13 23:58:15

She used the phrase 'at last' in reference to his years of carping about not having the DS on his birthday. She basically put it up to him that he might have some sort of big plan -- while all the time she suspected that he didn't because the DS had told her what was afoot. A neutral way to ask the question would have been, 'Are you making any plans for DS's birthday?' but she said, 'well you have ds on birthday at last.doing anything nice?'

So yes, that is game playing, and by definition it is not behaviour or a communication style that puts the child first. It is a way of carrying on an old fight. The conflict has morphed into one where the child's birthday celebration is the occasion for the fight, but it's probably not the cause.

mathanxiety Fri 26-Jul-13 00:07:18

I am not making Melon out to be 'the bad guy'. It's possible for two people to behave badly at the same time, each in their individual way. It's possible to lose track of what is reasonable where your child is concerned and expect that your child will have not just one nice birthday treat but two, provided by separate parents. It's possible to get carried away by your current concerns and decide to follow the path of least resistance.

I have acknowledged that her ex has serious defects. I am suggesting to her that she can deal with this in a better way than the way she is dealing with it, and pointing out that bad and all though he is, he has a right to do whatever he likes with the DS on his birthday short of abuse or neglect, that she has no right to try to dictate what the ex does, and that this would be rightly resented just as interference by the ex with her plans would be rejected.

Tuckshop Fri 26-Jul-13 09:17:31

I think she's dealt with it perfectly. I would see your way as much more abrasive. She hasn't dictated that he should do anything, and seeing as he wants to bung her £20 for her to do something rather than do anything himself I'd say he just wants to opt out and is happy to do so. I think you are seeing things in this that just aren't there.

mathanxiety Sat 27-Jul-13 06:12:40

This is stated as Melon's guiding principle for divorced parents.
two parents who are separated should parent in the same way. its called consistency. if you don't have consistency in a childs life it just confuses them.

She doesn't indicate whether the parents ever sit down and decide between themselves how they will parent the child. Instead there is every indication from her other posts that she thinks she can listen to tales from the other household and make the people there perform what she considers appropriate parenting behaviour. She claims things are not like that and that she and her ex get along reasonably but her basic pronouncements on this thread bespeak an expectation that her way is the way things will be done, that her suspicions must be correct, and that people should dance to her tune.

She expects her ex to pander to her fears of the DS being pushed aside by a woman she feels isn't handling pregnancy properly vis a vis the needs of her DS.
goodness why does son have to be stuck in doors on his birthday pampering to a pregnant woman. i wouldn't expect it of him so why should she?
Parents must sing from the same sheet no matter how little consultation there has been about the approach she expects the other parent to take, and another woman must do pregnancy and mothering of her DS the way Melon does.

These are basic attitudes of Melon's. Arising from those attitudes came the anger that inspired the OP, from which she calmed down, thankfully. I think her life would be less fraught if she examined her basic attitudes and accepted the reality that her DS is not going to be treated just as she wants him to be treated when he is not with her. (Abuse and neglect aside of course -- one pot noodle all day is horrible). This kind of issue is going to surface more often as the new families all expand.

There are books on separated families that might be helpful.
'Putting Children First...' by Karen Woodall and Nick Woodall[[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Apart-Separated-Divorced-Parents/dp/0091939836 'Parenting Apart: How Separated and Divorced Parents can Raise Happy ans Secure Kids' by Christina McGhee

mathanxiety Sat 27-Jul-13 06:17:35

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