to be pissed off with ex and his pregnant missus?

(233 Posts)

so ex and I have an eight year old son together who he sees every weekend.
they are expecting a baby together and so are my oh and I(bit Jeremy kyle I know!).
its ds's birthday in a couple of weeks and it will be falling on a weekend when his dad has him.
I presumed his dad would be happy about this and would be doing something with him as he has whinged for the last six years about how he never has him on his birthday and never gets to take him out for birthday either.
considering I have arranged and payed for trips to theme parks,animal parks,parties etc for his birthdays for the past six years I don't think this is a unfair expectation.
I have also arranged to take him and a couple of school friends out to the cinema and pizza hut the Friday before his birthday as my b'day treat to him.
however,son comes home last weekend and says that dad wont be doing anything for him on his birthday as pregnant missus doesn't really want to be on her feet much and cant go on rides etc.
im royally pissed off about this as I feel that that's her rigfht but why cant they go out without her?
it seems that since she has been pregnant ive had to pull ex up on a lot of things regarding my son being affected by her needy mood swings.
imten years older than her,on my second pregnancy and just getting on with things as normal.
very worried that ds will start to feel pushed out by them and new baby and also as a result may start to feel that it will be the same with my bubba too which it most definitely wont!

Sparklymommy Thu 18-Jul-13 07:08:54

Your poor son! Ring ex and tell him how upset your son is. He could do something with him surely?

ZillionChocolate Thu 18-Jul-13 07:16:34

She might be having a more difficult pregnancy than you. However I don't see why dad and son can't go off and do something with her staying home relaxing.

Sirzy Thu 18-Jul-13 07:24:32

I can understand her not wanting to do something which involves all day on her feet/rides but there are plenty of other things they could do.

FredFredGeorge Thu 18-Jul-13 07:25:15

Just because you've decided birthdays need to be celebrated with big outings, doesn't mean that other families have to do the same, so I think YABU.

SanityClause Thu 18-Jul-13 07:27:41

Stop trying to control them.

Get on with your life, and let them get on with theirs.

MidniteScribbler Thu 18-Jul-13 07:27:44

I agree with you, but on the other hand, he's not your problem anymore. You can't force him to do anything when it's his contact time, just like he can't force you to do anything. And trying to do so will only end up in an argument and break down of any communication you may have. Be the bigger person and do what you need to do to make the day you have planned exciting and fun. He'll know himself as he gets older which parent was the one that looked out for him.

raisah Thu 18-Jul-13 07:30:16

Cant your ex take your ds out for a meal or to the cinema? That wont involve traipsing arpund for hours.

yeah I can understand where shes coming from but shes kind of implying that if she cant do anything then why should they?
the fact that he has been banging on about taking him out for his birthday for years and now he has the chance he wont.
and as far as im aware she is having a pretty straight forward pregnancy as I see and speak to her quite often.
we usually get on quite well and shes quite a nice girl but this isn't the first incident of my son being pushed to the side since she has become pregnant.
im just worried about the affect this will have on his outlook to these babies once they arrive.

ivykaty44 Thu 18-Jul-13 07:35:24

It has nothing to do with you what your ds father arranges to do with him in his access time.

The only time it is of concern to you is if your ds would come to harm and it is not going to harm your ds if he doesn't go to a theme park or out for dinner on his birthday.

Concentrate on your relationship with your ds and not trying to control your ex and his g/f

Euphemia Thu 18-Jul-13 07:37:20

You're far too emotionally involved in your ex's life. He will parent as he sees fit.

Whether or not she's having a hard pregnancy is none of your concern. Focus on giving DS a good time, and let his dad get on with what he wants to do.

erm sanity I am not trying to control them.
and when their life affects my son I have every right to pull them up on it.
like when my son was sent home the other week after being with his dad for ten hours and had only been given a bloody pot noodle all day?

Fenton Thu 18-Jul-13 07:43:15

He has his son every weekend but this is the first time in six years he gets to have him on his Birthday?

I think I would be wondering why you chose this year to allow it and decide what he should be doing with the day.

Pregnant with a first child in the heat of the summer I wouldn't want to be trudging around a theme park either.

I imagine they will be doing something nice for his birthday but have chosen not to be controlled by your wants.

OddBoots Thu 18-Jul-13 07:44:57

Talk it over with ex, maybe they are downplaying it to your ds in order to do something huge as a surprise but if not then mention that ds is disappointed and if you are willing then maybe offer to do something with him instead.

it has everything to do with me if my son is upset and being pushed out.
as a mother its my responsibility to make sure hes being treated correctly when hes not with me surely?

Euphemia Thu 18-Jul-13 07:45:38

If he's not being fed properly, that's one thing.

If he's not being taken out for his birthday, so what? You're doing something special for him, something you think is nice - what more does he need?

Euphemia Thu 18-Jul-13 07:46:42

But he's with his father. You don't have the right to tell him how to live his life.

Yanbu at all. Your son has certain expectations and a birthday treat is normal for him. To let his birthday pass with no fuss would be unkind and upsetting for him. You have every right to question this. Maybe don't go in all guns blazing and suggest something sedate like cinema - frame it in terms of concern for both DS and his partner and try to sound caring and you might get somewhere.

fenton.
because sons birthday falls in summer hols we tend to just take him out on his actual b'day which has fallen on weekdays.
ive asked ex before does he want to take one of his holiday days off work to have son on birthday but hes always refused.
and just to make it clear I am not emotionally involved in their life.
I don't actually give a monkeys what they do UNTIL it affects or upsets ds.
and as I said earlier I can understand her not wanting to do certain things so why doesn't she just say bye,see you later and have a nice time?

MidniteScribbler Thu 18-Jul-13 07:53:27

How would you feel if your ex came and told you that what you were doing for your son's birthday wasn't good enough and that he expected you to do something else? You would be furious, and rightly so.

Setting a child up for expections of expensive outings and major events for a birthday is not necessarily healthy either.

MammaTJ Thu 18-Jul-13 07:54:08

That is more than a little bit different to not being taken on a big expensive day out! SS would be interested in a child only getting a pot noodle but they would not care about a child not being taken to a theme park!

You cannot control them and what they do, it wouldn't be reasonable to expect to, but you can help your child to deal it!

Maybe they are concerned about finances and are being extra careful with the baby on the way. Maybe they will actually not push your child out once the baby comes along. Be a little more positive with your child and I am sure it will be fine!

thank you ehric.
im not going to kick off at him at all as we have always been on quite good terms but im just going to casually mention it.
I think the fact that hes been promising my son a nice day out for years and has now retracted the promise is a bit off too.

jamdonut Thu 18-Jul-13 07:56:59

So...he's getting a birthday treat, from you, the week before?

So,he's not exactly missing out is he?

It's not his Dad's fault,as such, that having moaned about not having him for his birthday, that this particular year it turns out to be difficult to do anything major.

I'm more concerned that your son thinks that he's "not doing anything", when in fact he will be at his Father's for his birthday. I'm sure they will do "something",just not the all bells and whistles type !hmm

ANormalOne Thu 18-Jul-13 08:00:16

YABU.

He's still going to get treats from you, so he's not missing out. It's not your ex's fault that the one year he gets his son, his 'missus' happens to be pregnant in the middle of a heatwave. I certainly wouldn't want to be doing anything strenuous if I was pregnant in this weather.

PrettyPaperweight Thu 18-Jul-13 08:01:00

I don't actually give a monkeys what they do UNTIL it affects or upsets ds.

But surely your parenting sometimes upsets/affects your DS? Why are you right when your DS is upset but his Dad is wrong?

DCs are often upset, hurt, angry etc about decisions their parents make - just because YOU wouldn't parent the way your DS dad chooses to doesn't make him a bad parent - just different!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now