To be upset by this.

(69 Posts)
mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 10:17:13

Ok, so I know I probably am, but its a raw subject so please be gentle on me.

We lost our first son 4 years ago, due a birth accident at a home birth. It was as you can imagine the most horrendous experience of my entire life. However I had no idea how the pain could be magnified as the years went by, largely due to unexpected encounters or thoughtlessness by other people.

Just under a year later I gave birth to my second son and in a lot of peoples eyes I should then have been "better". Obviously he gave us joy and hope that we never thought we would feel again, but no matter what happens, our first son is and will always be a huge part of our lives.

Slightly later that month, in the week between ds1 birthday and anniversary of death, my Brother in law's (Hubby's sisters husband), brother and wife had a baby at home and they called him the same, fairly unusual name, as our DS. We were not told this until about 6 months later as everyone knew that it would cause upset. Its not that I feel like I own the name, but more that my neice and nephew has a cousin called that and they now have another one, who is alive and will therefore be far more dominant in their conciousness as the person with that name.

I made it very clear as did my DH that we found this not only extraordinarily cruel but that we really didn't want to be around them. Apparently they said that they didnt think that they would ever see us anyway so couldn't see the problem.

Fast forward 3 years and we have largely avoided any mention of the. However it is our nephews birthday soon and we have just been told that they are going to come.

My first reaction is that with every part of my body that I do not want to go, that I have nothing to say to them that isn't unpleasant, and tbh I dont want to cause a scene (and I'm not sure i will be able to control myself). However DS2 is really looking forward to the party and it seems really unfair to stop him from going because of this.

I would send my dh with ds2 and dd but frankly, I don't want them to go without me.

Please be gentle. Am I being totally unreasonable? WWYD?

Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby.

However, in the most gentle way, YABU. It is your BIL's brother and his wife who named their baby the same.......they are quite far removed from you in terms of closeness etc, they probably didn't give it a thought. I don't even know my BIL's siblings let alone what their children are called.

I can see though how raw, hurtful this would be for you but yes I do think you are being unreasonable. I don't think your BILs bro called their baby the same name to be cruel and I think if you can find a way to go to the party it may be good for you.

I haven't walked in your shoes though, so maybe I am wrong.

Groovee Wed 17-Jul-13 10:22:56

I can understand why you feel the way you do and why you want to avoid seeing them. I would be the same.

I'm not sure what the solution can be.

Skintorama Wed 17-Jul-13 10:23:46

Oh gosh. I am so very sorry for your loss, and your feelings are entirely your own.

But really, your husband's sister's husband's brother? They are barely related to you, and honestly I can't imagine they thought it would be any kind of problem, it's such a tenuous familial link.

You are being v v unreasonable, but I can understand why it is so hard for you. I am really trying to be gentle about this, but you need to let it go.

They didn't use the name to be cruel, they used it because it was the name they chose.

badguider Wed 17-Jul-13 10:27:19

You're not unreasonable to be upset as it's obviously magnifying the grief you naturally feel.
but i do see their point too, i have one BIL and i know he has a sister but i am not even sure what her child is called... it is quite a distant relationship and i am sure that your BILs children can easily deal with separating the memory of your ds from their living cousin - children are very used to knowing multiple other children with the same name.

But, practically you have three choices:
- all go and be nice
- let dh and dh go without you
- none of you go

the first option will be hard for you but will be lovely for your ds. the second option might be easier for you? the third will penalise your ds... you need to chose between these outcomes.

Tweasels Wed 17-Jul-13 10:28:09

Ah, love, you are being a bit unreasonable but totally understandably so.

I cannot fathom why they had to use your son's name. Even if they loved it, they should have asked first. I feel that they were very in the wrong.

However, it's not their son's fault and it's not fair to deny your son an opportunity to meet his cousin.

I think if you don't feel able to be pleasant then don't go. It's not fair on anyone and you're putting yourself through unnecessary unhappiness.

I'm sorry for your loss flowers

Bowlersarm Wed 17-Jul-13 10:28:26

I sort of agree with crusty in that they feel that they are not close enough to you to think that it would matter. You may see it as hurtful and thoughtless, but they probably haven't thought about it much at all. Is it a top 50 name? Or more unusual than that?

Treague Wed 17-Jul-13 10:29:05

I think you could reasonably choose this time not to attend, and allow others to attend without you.

It's quite possible that it won't always be this bad, but it's too early at the moment.

FWIW I don't think the brothers and sisters of my SIL are people I'd consider as cruel in this scenario: but every family is set up slightly differently. I have met them but have no bond to them, maybe it's different for you?

mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 10:30:02

Thank you for being gentle. I guess it's just the timing of it all. My Neice as Ds1 were born 3 weeks apart, and should have been so close as cousins. Instead he died, and I have to watch her growing up (which is painful in its own right) but with a cousin practically on my ds birthday with the same name.

I know it's a tenuous family link, but somehow it just still cuts me to the quick. I have only met 1 other child with his name and it really knocks me.

But I know that it's not going to go away.

Should I go? Or should I let DH take ds?

Bowlersarm Wed 17-Jul-13 10:31:16

Tweasels it's not the op's DS cousin, they're not even related, if I've understood the post correctly.

GladbagsGold Wed 17-Jul-13 10:31:54

I am so sorry for your loss. YANBU to feel upset. BUT a name is just a collection of letters in a certain order. The loss of your lovely son wouldn't be any easier to bear if no one in the world had his name, or if everyone in the world had his name.

I would go, and I'd chat to DS2 and DD beforehand about people who will be there, including 3 year old 'Same-name', and isn't it sad that their big brother 'Same-name' won't be there too but he will be smiling down on you having fun at the party.

Much love.

mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 10:32:29

No it's not ds actual cousin. It's the cousins birthday and they will have the cousin from he other side attending.
Name not even in the top 100. Never has been.

Chocotrekkie Wed 17-Jul-13 10:32:31

I think I would all go as you are going to have to face them and that child at some point.

Your neice/nephew are going to have many events their lives growing up that their whole family is going to be at - birthdays/religious events/weddings/graduations etc etc.

Yes missing this party would be ok but what about next year etc.

I would try to talk to them first at the beginning of the party or maybe even meet up with them beforehand. Just explain (as calmly as possible ) how upset you both still are that they have used your ds's name for their child and how much it still hurts. If they can be aware of this then they should be more sensitive about it.

I can see both points of view tbh - I personally wouldn't have used the name but you are only very loosely related and the name may have real significance for them.

I am so sorry for your loss.

josiejay Wed 17-Jul-13 10:33:57

If you think you won't be able to control yourself then I think you shouldn't go. If you ended up 'causing a scene' it would be very upsetting for all concerned, including you.

I think you should let your DH take DS and you spend the day doing something nice.

So sorry for your loss, OP x

Bowlersarm Wed 17-Jul-13 10:34:27

OP-have you met them before all this happened, and did you like them?

I think you should only go if you won't be feeling sad and resentful. Although you probably don't know how you will feel until you are actually there. (Trying to be helpful, but it's a difficult one!)

Skintorama Wed 17-Jul-13 10:35:30

I named my DS2 the same (family) name as my brother who was stillborn 22 years ago.

I did this with my parents complete support and blessing. It was odd for a few weeks, even so. Slightly easier on everyone because it's the same name as both my Grandads, but no one in the family had used it since my brother died.

The more we used the name, the easier it became on everybody. A friend of mine who lost her baby DD has said that every time she hears her DD's name used for another child it gets easier and easier to bear.

What I'm (probably clumsily) trying to get across is that meeting this child and sort of getting used to the name being his name as well, might make it all a bit easier? That these feeling of anger at the parents might lessen and you won't feel that they were cruel?

I think you should go. But be kind to yourself, and be prepared to leave if it isn't working for you. No one can tell you how to grieve.

MmeLindor Wed 17-Jul-13 10:35:53

What a horrible dilemma.

You are not being at all unreasonable to be upset by this, but at the same time, I have just realised that I don't even know the name that my BIL's sister gave her child.

Unless the families are very close, it would be unusual to do so.

I do think that they were insensitive at giving their child the same name as your DS1.

Would it be easier for you if you were to send DS2 with your DH?

combinearvester Wed 17-Jul-13 10:36:40

Let DH take DS. Bollocks to them. I wouldn't have chosen your baby's name if I were them, especially as it is not a common one. The way you are feeling is totally understandable and human. You are the people who have suffered this terrible loss and people who know you should be doing everything in their power to help you alleviate this pain.

I lost a baby in the second trimester and had two relatives whose babies were due at the same time (relatives I hardly ever see). I know it sounds awful but I do sometimes feel in pain and quite sick when I hear about them starting school etc. I genuinely don't really want to hear about them.

RaisingChaotic Wed 17-Jul-13 10:39:58

Sweetheart, I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. However, I doubt that BIL's DB and his wife meant to hurt you. They probably already had the name chosen before you gave birth and the link is so tenuous that it's doubtful that they even knew that the name they gave their child was the same as the your DS1's.

If I was you I'd let DH take DS2 and DD and you stay behind if you feel it's going to be too painful for you.

Corygal Wed 17-Jul-13 10:44:03

You are being unreasonable, but if you are so would most people be. It must hurt like hell.

Look at it another way - would it help at all, even a tiny bit, to go to the party? How about going to the party with a preset leaving time, say 30 minutes for you? Claim another appt. If it goes ok you can stay, if not you know you're out of there.

Your feelings are your feelings so you have every right to be upset but your husbands brother in laws brother is such a distant relation that I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 17-Jul-13 10:47:13

I do think they could have avoided using the same name as your lovely DS. I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to avoid these people as they have caused you pain. However, it's possible they had their hearts set on this name, and I am sure they didn't deliberately set out to cause you pain. It's a difficult situation. It sounds to me like it would be easier for you to not go.

Whether your DH goes with your DD and DS2 is a different thing. DS2 is still little enough to be brought somewhere else as a treat and not feel he is missing out too much. What does your DH say?

Tweasels Wed 17-Jul-13 10:56:18

Oh, sorry for misunderstanding, I mis read and thought it was your BIL who had used the name.

Oh Moontime, sadly I think they have done nothing wrong. I think maybe it's time to try and forgive them. They would probably be devastated to know you feel this way.

You should only go if you can put on a good show and hide your feelings. If you don't feel you can do this, let DH go and you should spend the day doing something lovely xx

Tweasels Wed 17-Jul-13 10:57:39

Sorry Mootime (I'm having a dysfunctional keyboard day!)

springytoto Wed 17-Jul-13 11:12:24

I don't think you're being U at all. It was grossly tactless of them to use the same name. I don't care if they had the name ready from when they were kids, it was tactless to use it, regardless how far removed they may be from you and your family. Everyone knew it would upset you, which is why they took 6 months to tell you. The parents in question would have known. some people are staggeringly ignorant imo.

go if you want to rip their heads off (I'd back you on that) but if that may not be an option, let DH take them. Don't go yourself. I don't believe meeting the child will help you - it's not as if he was given that name purely by chance.

I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

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