AIBU to think choosing not to have a child does not make you "unlucky"?

(99 Posts)
SaucyJack Sat 13-Jul-13 11:25:09

Saw a vile bitch frenemy at a gathering at the weekend who has really REALLY REALLY got my dander up by twatting on about how "lucky" I am to have children.

Basically, she's always wanted children in a semi half assed fashion, but has never wanted the hard work and sacrifices that go with raising a family.

Which is fine, and absolutely her choice. I just strongly object to the inference that I was "lucky" because I wanted children more than I wanted a disposable income/sleep/flat stomach/freedom/yadda yadda yadda.

Sorry. Rant over. Pg hormones.

PS: I know she isn't infertile and I'm not taking a pop at anyone else who can't have children for medical reasons.

Maryz Sat 13-Jul-13 22:12:17

So what is the point Don?

I think the point is that the op is seethingly furious with the "friend" for some reason and would be annoyed by anything she said.

I find it hard to believe that any parent would be so angry at being told "you are so lucky to have your children".

baskingseals Sat 13-Jul-13 22:22:59

I think Maryz, that the op feels that luck is not the only thing that is involved in having children.

Flojobunny Sat 13-Jul-13 22:25:54

OP in a sense I get where you are coming from. People used to say to me, you're so lucky your DS sleeps so well and I used to think its not luck it's because I didn't have a social life and put him down at the same time every single night. When I knew the person saying it would be til all hours with her children visiting friends.
But if someone said I was lucky to have children, I would nod and say yes certainly am.
What huge effort did you put in to have children? Taking your knickers off?

Purpleprickles Sat 13-Jul-13 22:29:04

Agree with Maryz, please Don enlighten us on the point of this thread. I struggled to see it when I posted hours ago and I still can't see it now. The OP is angry her life choice has been called lucky and she feels 'frenemy's' life choice is lazy therefore not making her own lucky? If that's the point I still don't get it.

Maryz Sat 13-Jul-13 22:37:01

I get that basking, but surely she is still "lucky" to have them, which is all the friend seems to have said. Presumably she didn't say "it is luck and only luck that gave you those children, you don't deserve them because you don't work hard enough, it's just luck. If I was as lucky as you I would have children too".

To be honest, it's a bit weird to be so upset about someone saying something so obviously true and innoffensive [baffled]

foreverondiet Sat 13-Jul-13 22:44:50

I think might be being a little unreasonable - because having children is a privilege and lucky as not everyone a) is fertile and b) is in a position to have children - and because maybe she either did want children and couldn't have or now regrets not having them.

Ifancyashandy Sat 13-Jul-13 22:46:22

Fuck me. Threads like this make me despair. Childless / free women being judged once again... Not only are we a waste of womanhood but no-one even wanted to breed with us...

You ARE lucky to have met someone you liked / liked you enough to have children with. I'm 43 and yet to be in that position. And when it happens I'm unluckily going to (probably) be approaching the menopause, given that I'd like to actually know the person I might consider to be spending the rest of my life with and he ain't on the horizon yet.

I've got an amazing career. I haven't 'bothered' to have children. I enjoy my disposable income / sleep etc.. Doesn't mean I wouldn't have 'bothered' to give it up (or not) had circumstances been different.

But always good to know that if I comment on my friends luck, they think I'm being a bitch.

Way to go the Sisterhood, sweetheart...

HildaOgden Sat 13-Jul-13 22:46:50

It boils down to having an inferiority complex wrapped up in a superiority complex.

The Op feels inferior in some way (and the hint is in the 'sacrifices' she has made...flabby stomach,lack of sleep,financial,being tied down etc),so when the chirpy 'frenemy' dares to say something about luck...well then,she must be knocked down as being a lazy self centred bitch who dared to not reproduce.

Have a look at yourself op,because you really aren't coming across as the one who is happier with their life choices.

LustyBusty Sat 13-Jul-13 23:04:15

What ifancyashandy said. Lots.

K8Middleton Sat 13-Jul-13 23:16:53

Wow. I thought only people in soap operas had frenemies and took offence at nothing much.

I can say having children was really easy. We had some sex. Raising them is a whole other ball game and the hardest thing I've ever done. I am lucky to have my dc, I am lucky to have found a man I want to have children with and I am lucky I conceive really easily. I don't always feel lucky I have to be a parent but that's just life isn't it? Sometimes the important stuff is hard.

But all this angst over some woman who has made different choices and decisions for whatever reason is crazy. Other people's decisions are not a value judgement on your decisions.

LastOrdersAtTheBra Sat 13-Jul-13 23:31:36

But having children is lucky isn't it? Motherhood is sometimes a relentless slog and there are days when you wish children came with a refund clause so you could send them back, but we're still lucky to have them.

Every time I see my friend, who finally has a much loved DD after many attempts at failed IVF, it makes me smile how lucky she eventually was, I also look at a friend who had a totally unplanned pregnancy and think how lucky she turned out to be. I also have friends who are childless by choice who I consider lucky to have chosen, and be very happy with, their lifestyle.

If your friend had made a snide comment about overpopulating the planet, parents being selfish, etc I'd understand your anger, but lucky seems fair enough.

RevoltingPeasant Sat 13-Jul-13 23:33:01

flojo but you were lucky - I have friends who tried that and their DC didn't sleep through or go down easily till maybe two and a half! It's a combination of things.

I think that's what the OP is saying and that's not so bad as such.

What is irking, though, is the tone about this woman. I am nearly 34 and don't have DC yet because I focused on my career. Last month we missed ttc because I was away for work. I chose not to cancel that trip. Does this mean I can't be bothered to make the sacrifice? Well, in one way, yes. But it's massively judged to put it that way.

And also I really don't know how you know she isn't infertile. Seems a massive assumption. Or hasn't met the right person.

So yes YABU.

Poogate Sat 13-Jul-13 23:39:52

I suggest you acquire a grip, OP.

cantspel Sat 13-Jul-13 23:53:38

Flojobunny even with a regular bedtime and no social life for years my eldest still didn't sleep. He is now 17 and still only needs a couple of hours sleep a night and is up with the birds every morning.

So yes you were lucky.

SaucyJack you too are lucky as

1 you knew you wanted children
2 you met someone like minded
3 you managed to have the family you wanted so i assume no fertility issues on either side.
4 your children were born healthy and have thus far remained that way.

count your blessings and stop bitching about someone who was being perfectly pleasant to you.

AcrylicPlexiglass Sun 14-Jul-13 00:00:06

You are being spectacularly unreasonable.

You knew you wanted children and your physical and social circumstances were such that you were able to make that wish come true. To have children in these circumstances is generally among the most lucky life events that can ever happen to anyone.

You are lucky. children are a gift - all parents are lucky. It is v hard to know the true reason why she hasn't got them. One of my best friends spent years telling me she couldn't be bothered with kids, too much hassle etc, before announcing she was pregnant with twins. All the time she had professed to not to be bothered she had been going to through round after heart breaking round of IVF, miscarriages, chemical pregnancies. I'd had NO idea. I'd personally written her off as a bit of a cold hearted self centred bitch (and feel terrible about that now).

SamHamwidge Sun 14-Jul-13 01:05:08

This thread is making me feel like shit . I didn't meet Mr Right and decided to go down the donor route . I still consider myself very lucky that it worked DD is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but still OP I would consider you very lucky you met someone to have children with. Life is hard enough for those of us who are single without those who have what we want not even appreciating it. You are lucky OP. Show a bit of compassion. Why do you hate this woman so much anyway?

Mimishimi Sun 14-Jul-13 02:15:19

Had a gorgeous cousin who told me "I just couldn't imagine having kids at my age" as though I'd been the teen scandal of the family when I did. I was 24 years old with my first, same age as her now. That said, she's having fun and if I'd been talking about it with an older cousin just a year before back then, I probably would have said the same grin. An uncle said "My commiserations" and patted me on the back when I told him DD will be 13 in December. That made me laugh.

Butterflywgs Sun 14-Jul-13 02:16:54

Wow, I have to agree with most people - you are BU and also quite nasty.
I discovered I have medical problems making it very unlikely I can conceive without treatment, after 2 mcs. Relationship in which I had the 2 mcs didn't work out either. Realistically given my age, by the time I actually meet someone with whom I would like to have children and get to the point where we are ready (cos, you know, guys tend not to like it if you demand to know how they feel about dc on the first date confused), it is quite unlikely to work out. I will still try.
Most people I know have no idea.
I try to make the best of it and say similar things, wanting to focus on career and lifestyle etc. Even my DM had little idea until I burst into tears the other day having seen DNs. I am usually open but this, I am not.
So - never make assumptions.

BadLad Sun 14-Jul-13 03:16:11

I don't have children. I don't want them. I am married to the stunningly beautiful DW, and in a fortunate financial position.

I consider myself extremely lucky.

Closest friend is the same age, with a great job, and two kids, the eldest of which is now 13. I think he is very lucky too.

If you're more or less happy with your lot, then you are lucky.

Best of luck to all those who are ttc.

amandine07 Sun 14-Jul-13 06:09:45

OP I think you are being totally unreasonable.

On the contrary I think you are indeed very lucky to have your children. You really do NOT know whether this other woman does have fertility issues or not.

You really sound quite unpleasant and for me, hiding behind a veil of 'pregnancy hormones' is no excuse & just makes you seem even worse.

Get over yourself, look around you and count your blessings.

ProudAS Sun 14-Jul-13 08:19:13

DH and I decided not to have children as it would have been the wrong thing for us due to mental health issues. I do feel slightly bereft but all in all I'm happy with our decision.

CaptainJamesTKirk Sun 14-Jul-13 08:38:04

saucyjack what I want to say to you would probably end up deleted.

You need to get a grip. You are lucky (as am I, as a mother of one, with a wonderful husband). I've worked hard, I've made the decisions I needed to make along the way, I and my family have no health worries. But for the most part it's luck. Life is all about lucky breaks and hard work.

You may have worked hard - but you've also been lucky. If you can't see that and have sympathy with others then you are not a very nice person and eventually it'll comeback and bite you on the bum!

BlackholesAndRevelations Sun 14-Jul-13 08:42:18

YABU and you are lucky to have children.

I've got two and one on the way after two miscarriages and I think every single day how lucky we are as I know people who can't have children due to infertility, or because they haven't met the right person and are mid thirties and running out of hope.

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