To wonder when my dh will tell me..

(76 Posts)
Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 13:54:56

That he has a savings account with the lads for a holiday to Las Vegas. I found out this morning about the account but have no idea when he intends on going or for how long. We have a ds in school and I work shifts so am assuming he intends for me to take holidays to get ds to and from school.

I wouldn't mind if he had discussed his plans with me but feel like he has really taken the piss by not even telling me. Aibu or not?

YouTheCat Fri 12-Jul-13 13:58:55

YANBU - tell him you know and ask him when it is. Also point out that you can't guarantee getting the time off so he might have to cancel, which is his own fault for not laying the plans past you first to see when was convenient.

squeakytoy Fri 12-Jul-13 14:01:36

How do you know that it is specifically for that reason?

Also, if you were saving your own money towards a trip with your mates, and the money wasnt leaving the family pot short, would you expect to be confronted about it?

YouTheCat Fri 12-Jul-13 14:06:50

But Squeaky, how is she supposed to magic up time off/child care if she hasn't even been told when this trip is happening?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Jul-13 14:07:00

He certainly has. That's outrageous.

How did you find out?

I suggest saying something along the lines of, - about your savings account for your trip to las vegas, I think it's only fair that we match whatever you put in there for your trip with the same amount in a savings account for me to take a trip when you get back.

Matter of fact, non accusatory, simple expectation of fairness.

His response will determine how you proceed, I don't know if you agree.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:07:06

I was using his phone when a text came up from his friend about putting money into the lads Las Vegas trip. It's not the point he is going away that I have an issue with he can do what he wants with his money. It's the fact this has all been discussed an arranged without even telling me about it that has annoyed me

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Jul-13 14:09:59

I bloody would expect to be challenged on it if I was saving it without saying anything and planning on springing it on my partner god knows when and with the expectation that they'd rearrange everything to compensate.

I would be sorely tempted to find out the dates from one of the other partners and arrange something for that date. Whoever puts the dates in the diary first wins, right?

Don't play games, just ask him!!! For all you know it could be 2 years away or something and he may think it won't even happen.

Don't get your knickers in a twist until you know exactly what he is doing!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 12-Jul-13 14:19:16

YANBU. I'd be pissed off. Also with the assumption he has that you'll just take time off.

BadLad Fri 12-Jul-13 14:20:34

I think it's only fair that we match whatever you put in there for your trip with the same amount in a savings account for me to take a trip when you get back.

I would have thought that that would depend on how the OP and her husband arrange their finances.

If they put it all into a joint account, then allocate each other, say, fifty quid a week spending money, and hubby is saving some of that, then I don't see why he should have to match it for his wife to take a trip when he gets back. She can save her own.

That's not how our finances are arranged, but it seems to be quite common from threads I have read.

On the other hand, it's taking the piss to make this sort of plan behind his wife's back. My first thought is that he expects her not to approve, so he is planning to present her with it once it's all booked and planned, so that when she objects, he can point out that not to go would mean that the money was spent for nothing.

mirai Fri 12-Jul-13 14:20:47

If he's your DH then it's not his money though, is it? Unless you have the same amount as him to play with each month?

mirai Fri 12-Jul-13 14:23:04

I think it's only fair that we match whatever you put in there for your trip with the same amount in a savings account for me to take a trip when you get back.

Absolutely this.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:24:59

We each have our own accounts but I work part time. It's really not the money I don't expect him to pay for me to have a trip it's just it all being done behind my back. He has done this type of thing before and we have had discussions about the fact I would rather he kept me in the loop with things like planned trips away. We see little enough of him as it is.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 12-Jul-13 14:26:15

What is his reasoning for planning things like this behind your back?

BadLad Fri 12-Jul-13 14:27:45

When you put it like that, Broodymomma, you are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

I would let DW know my plans as soon as possible, even for so much as a night out with friends. And that is without any kids to worry about.

I wouldn't ask about matching contributions if I were you. Just tell him you're extremely pissed off about not being kept informed about his plans.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:33:02

That's all I'm asking badlad. It comes down to stupid little things like golfing on my weekend off and telling me about it the night before. Just often leaves a taste in my mouth that I am like the hired help that will do everything around here and make sure our ds is ok when he fits us in around everything else . Just peed off that he thinks so little of me. Last time he done something like this re a trip away I found out through one of his pals wife's. it is embarrassing.

purrpurr Fri 12-Jul-13 14:33:23

I'm with Mrs TP on this. Find out the dates and book yourself up. Luckily the money he is setting aside already accounts for not just an awesome lads holiday but childcare too, right? :D

Seems to be a respect issue to me. Does he think you're his mum or something, just there to look after the littlest and clean stuff? Making massive assumptions here that you work part time so do the majority of childcare and domestic tasks.

TalkativeJim Fri 12-Jul-13 14:33:44

Well when he asks, say no - I won't be covering childcare for that particular trip, as I don't appreciate the fact you've planned, saved and arranged a whole trip but left the telling me bit until now. If I'm so insignificant that my possible plans or even simple courtesy to me don't figure in the calculations, then you can damn well do it all without my input.

purrpurr Fri 12-Jul-13 14:35:17

Sorry momma cross posted. He's being a bit of a dick. Why isn't he thinking of you? Put yourself first. It doesn't sound like he will. Or has.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:35:18

No idea pobble - he probably thinks its less hassle to tell me about it nearer the time. However the only reason there is ever hassle is because he never tell me and I end up finding out from someone else. He has a lovely group of pals I ha e no issue with him going away. I do think Las Vegas is excessive but it's his money.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:38:04

Yes purrpurr I do absolutely everything. He started up 2 new businesses last year so is rarely here and when he is he is working. It's rare for us to get time together. We are going away on holiday this week but I so pissed off now I don't even want to go. It's like I'm always an after thought.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:38:56

And no point in double booking he would simply get his mum to watch ds.

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Jul-13 14:39:08

Don't you both see money coming into the house as family money, OP? A trip to Vegas would be expensive - would you be able to do that if you wanted to (taking your child out of the equation)?

In that case your issues are bigger than just LV. You do everything, he arranges things without telling you, you both think of 'his' money as just belonging to him (even though, presumably, your childcare enables his work). It all sounds very unbalanced.

Unless he is paying you, he is not treating you as the hired help. He is treating you worse.

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