Ex expecting dd to share a room with him

(124 Posts)
Worriedmind Fri 12-Jul-13 13:12:09

Name changed.

Dd has had little contact with father, his own choice.
Hasnt seen her in a long time. He has now asked for over night contact on a regular basis.

DD is a preteen and just hit puberty, exh has no spare bedroom so she would have to share with him or sleep on the sofa.

He is the kind of person who goes to bed very late playing on the computer so essentially dd would be kept awake until he went to bed and have no privacy at all, shes a bit mortified about all this.

bearleftmonkeyright Fri 12-Jul-13 20:06:26

You cannot and must not agree to this. It's crazy. He should be going to visit your daughter in the first instance.

TimeofChange Fri 12-Jul-13 20:15:05

My friend found out her XH was sharing a bed with his daughter.
She was horrified. She was knew that he didn't have sexual feelings for the DD, but she was more thinking about possible touching in his sleep.

Don't agree.
Don't travel.
Godd luck to you.

Portofino Fri 12-Jul-13 21:48:44

Dsis and I used to go sleep in dad's bed. There was no heating and he had an electric blanket. This view that there is something going on here to do with sex or touching disturbs me somewhat. The situation is that there has been no recent contact, so moving from nowt to overnights where he cannot host her appropriately would seem to be key.

Talkinpeace Fri 12-Jul-13 22:16:42

as the child of a (very) absent father
I really, really think you are all over intellectualising this

my Dad shared rooms with me for travel reasons
he'd have MUCH rather been with his girlfriends (who I knew)
therefore why would I have been at risk?

the %age of absent dads who are overjoyed to have a bit of silly time with their daughters massively masively outweighs the number who end up in the daily fail
teach your daughter that her "bits" are her own and there is no issue

If your DD isn't comfortable about it then it shouldn't happen
Have you asked him how he thinks the logistics are going to work?
Is there anyway he can come and stay near you, so he can see your DD on a regular basis and build a relationship with her, before taking this step.
On the bright side, it shows that he is taking an interest in his daughter at last

Talkinpeace Fri 12-Jul-13 22:32:22

PS
when I stayed with my dad I was 3000 miles from my mum

I have to admit I find the negativ paranoia of many of the people on this thread very, very sad

my Dad is an eejit, a lovely eejit, but I see why my Mum divorced him.
BUT
she let me see him when fitted (air fares at 70's prices permitting) to realise for myself
and he was never a threat to me
so sharing rooms (but not beds) was part of 'relationship building

whatever you deny your children, tthey will most want when they hit 15
remember that

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Fri 12-Jul-13 22:42:56

I don't think it's creepy, but I do think it is massively inappropriate to expect a pre-teen to share a bedroom with a man she barely even knows. Father or not, she doesn't know him, has hardly every spent any time with him, and is at an age where she has every right to her own privacy and if she doesn't want to go, then she shouldn't.

HotCrossPun Fri 12-Jul-13 22:48:07

If she doesn't go then why are you going through all the hassle of 80 mile round trips etc?

The easiest thing is for him to arrange contact with her during the day.

Its a bit of a no-brainer to me.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Fri 12-Jul-13 22:51:43

Talkinpeace The DD herself doesn't want to do this, so it's not actually 'denying' it to her!

Also "teach your daughter that her "bits" are her own and there is no issue" is pretty insulting to any child/teen who knows this perfectly well but has been too scared/threatened to assert boundaries. It's just not that simple.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Fri 12-Jul-13 22:52:52

And yes, shorter non-overnight visits are the way to go until he has proved himself. With him travelling or doing at least half the travelling.

Talkinpeace Fri 12-Jul-13 23:05:14

I find your posts very, very sad
It never occurred to me to protect myself from my dad
as I never had reason to distrust him or his girlfriends

so his choice to share motel rooms with me is perv not money?

I prefer my world

my mum loathed him but your extentuations never came into our lives
thank goodness for small things

Well for a start he has absolutely no right to expect you to travel to bring your DD to him. If he wants to see her, either he does all the travel or he asked you VERY NICELY to do one of the journeys. So simply don't take her to him.

If your DD doesn't want to share a room/bed, she certainly shouldn't have to.

revealall Fri 12-Jul-13 23:23:06

Why does he want overnights. He can pay less child maintenance if he has his DD overnight - could that be it? Or does he want to see her without the expense of taking her out in the day?

Too early IMO.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Fri 12-Jul-13 23:26:53

No one is suggesting that he has ulterior motives or anything bad might happen to her, they are saying (well I am at least) that asking a young girl to share a room with a man that she barely even knows is not OK. Saying 'oh but he's her father' is rubbish, she doesn't know him.

kali110 Sat 13-Jul-13 03:13:29

I used to get in my dads bed all the time, even when i was 22 before i lost him. It was never sinister or creepy, however me and my dad were very close. If i hardly knew him then i wouldn't want to be alone with him, let aline share a room or bed. Op ur not bu, she shouldnt have to stay overnight if shes not ready, plus why should you have to do all the bloody travelling!

Worriedmind Sat 13-Jul-13 06:53:22

I don't know why the sudden interest tbh.
He doesn't pay maintanance so that's not the issue.

The original arrangement was he would meet us in a town that cost the same train fare each to get to. This was arranged at divorce point but not court ordered.

He has had very sparodic contact for 3 years and none at all for nearly two years, not even any phone contact.

He has absoloutely messed dd up with the none contact so I am a bit annoyed he can just swan in/out of her life doing more damage.

Dd has told him no over night when he phoned first time in two years, he told her he was very dissapointed in her angry

Montybojangles Sat 13-Jul-13 07:00:57

Wow, what a fuckwit. He is hardly in her life for the last 5 years and he thinks it's ok to tell her he is disappointed in her? I do hope she told him just how disappointed in him she was at what a crap father he's been so far!

If she doesn't want to go then that's it, end of IMO. If he wants to see her he can come and spend a day with her.

Worriedmind Sat 13-Jul-13 07:09:12

I went mad monty. I also emailed him a polite factual email so its on record.

Worriedmind Sat 13-Jul-13 07:10:50

Basically saying he was being very unfair and setting down what I saw as appropriate contact.

Montybojangles Sat 13-Jul-13 07:22:10

Good for you. And good to have it written down too.

StrawberryMojito Sat 13-Jul-13 07:32:40

I have very limited knowledge of this but if she started doing overnights at his house would it reduce csa payments? Could that explain sudden interest?

Worriedmind Sat 13-Jul-13 07:40:58

He doesn't pay csa. Only thing I can think is he thinks he will get more money somehow if he has her overnight. He has also claimed in past that we both stop their occassionally so I wouldn't put it past him to be trying some scam.

Sleep404 Sat 13-Jul-13 07:52:21

Could he be trying to get an extra room?

Sleep404 Sat 13-Jul-13 07:52:46

Off benefits I mean.

pigletmania Sat 13-Jul-13 07:52:57

Yanbu at all. At 10/11 she is old enough to decide for herself, if she does not want to go don't force her, she has made her decision

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