He is not going on that stag do- AIBU?!

(125 Posts)
paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 09:16:04

Bit of a backstory- DP has zero organisational skills. Last year we missed his friends wedding as he forgot to book the day off work and couldn't get a swap at the last minute. More recently we had to cancel a night out he had arranged as I was working late and he hasn't checked the calendar (where all of my shifts are written!)

I have booked to go on a girls weekend in August. It was booked for Sept but we had to cancel as DP forgot to tell me about a wedding we are invited too! So I ask DP, he says its all fine and go ahead and book.

Tonight he has a look of panic on his face after remembering the weekend I have booked is actually his best friends stag do. Was it on the calendar? No. Had he told me about it earlier? No.

I'm so annoyed with him. We have had so many arguments about this and he still can't sort himself out. To make it worse some of my friends have already booked trains etc so I can re-arrange it now- especially as it was because of me that we re-arranged in the first place.

So I told him that unless he finds someone to have DD (bear in mind our families are 6 hours away) that he will not be going on the stag do!

AIBU? I feel like this is the only way he will learn. I've bought him a diary, we have weekly "meetings" to check in with what's going on and still he doesn't get it!

WhoNickedMyName Mon 08-Jul-13 21:37:51

I wouldn't get drawn into a discussion about the logistics of the child care arrangements.

If he wants to do two 6 hr drives then he can do.

Tell him you are happy for your DD to stay with his parents or yours, but no one else, and it's up to him to make it happen.

Or his other choice is to give the stag do a miss.

End of discussion, no argument required.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 21:52:05

He says he is more than happy to do the drives- the stag is in Oxford which is 4 hours away anyway so he isn't bothered about another 2 hours.

The argument was more about the fact that his parents are even scattier than he is and thus would not be my first choice to look after DD. They are very eccentric and their house with floor to ceiling piles of books is not toddler friendly!

icecreamandsauce Mon 08-Jul-13 22:07:39

What would you count as adequate childcare for a whole weekend? Because if that simply isn't available then the decision is made, the stag do can't happen. If there isn't adequate childcare available then one parent has to be at home and in this case your weekend has priority having already been moved once. It's very simple and you're not under any obligation to jump through hoops and accept something you're not happy with to make it possible for you both to leave the house at the same time.

It's irrelevant that he might be happy with it but not you - someone doesn't earn the right to go out by having found childcare they are happy with but by having found childcare that both parents are happy with.

I'm not sure I'd want my OH doing a long drive with kids straight after a stag weekend when possibly still sobering up and very tired, but if you were to feel similarly the answer is No Stag Weekend, not you cancelling your weekend, because your weekend is the fixed one here.

I might rein back a bit on the 'fine for you to go if you can sort childcare' angle, if you're concerned about the quality, and turn it into 'fine if you can sort very good childcare' - if he can only sort less than ideal, given it's for a whole weekend and not just one night out, then he hasn't really solved the problem and isn't really free to leave the house.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 08-Jul-13 22:09:58

Did they let a lot of accidents happen to him when he was growing up?

YoungBritishPissArtist Mon 08-Jul-13 22:17:01

He is how old?!

Go, and let him deal with childcare.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 22:42:26

It's definitely about the quantity, yes Hecsy he did indeed have many accidents as a child, as did his brother.

I don't trust my ILs with her because they take an interest for the first half an hour then get bored. I've posted about some of their parenting "advice" before.

Also, I don't think it's fair on DD (maybe I am being a bit pfb here though) but they have never looked after her for any length of time. Never fed her or changed her nappy etc. We've offered them the chance, they just aren't interested in doing it. So it seems to be a big jump going from total lack of interest to having her for the whole weekend.

MidniteScribbler Tue 09-Jul-13 05:20:58

I really don't understand all of this "my weekend", "his weekend" "his responsibility" etc crap. You both have something planned. So why not work together as a couple to sort things out so you both get to go where you want? If you're only options for babysitting are six hours away, then you need to start to look for someone closer to home, even if that is a paid babysitter. You've got a bit of time, so start having someone over a few times for short visits to get used to it, so that when the weekend rolls around, everyone is happy.

Slainte Tue 09-Jul-13 05:37:49

Midnite they need childcare for a weekend not just for a few hours.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 09-Jul-13 06:15:18

Then point that out to him and ask him why, when they <insert list of things they let happen to him> does he think that they will be good carers for his child.

MidniteScribbler Tue 09-Jul-13 06:17:29

I'm aware of that Slainte, the "few hours" was referring to some trial runs with a babysitter. A babysitter audition if you will.

flowery Tue 09-Jul-13 06:21:06

Anyone who hasn't looked after her before isn't suitable childcare to have her for a weekend anyway IMO, so if they've never had her long enough to require feeding or nappy changing, they aren't suitable for the weekend regardless of other concerns you may have.

Has he actually asked them? If they've shown no interest in having her for any length of time before, why on earth would they suddenly be happy to have her for the whole weekend anyway?

PoundlandClareRayner Tue 09-Jul-13 07:04:48

Getting ridiculous now, this, and Op should brook no further silly "suggestions" from her husband

The child's father takes care of her over the weekend. He misses the stag do.

Full stop

Thumbwitch Tue 09-Jul-13 07:18:11

Hmmm. I'm now a little concerned about the "minor op" - is it something that could preclude him from looking after your DD by himself for the weekend? I do hope not. But I do hope that it is enough to prevent him driving for 6h to his parents, who don't sound at all appropriate as a childcare option!

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Tue 09-Jul-13 08:08:04

I know people have personal assistants (I don't think they like being called secretaries any more) but how the hell does he manage to work in a very stressful job without being able to prioritise and organise at least some of his diary and workload? I never understand how some people seem to lose this important skill when it comes to homelife. Is it because it can be very useful to suddenly be able to disappear off due to 'forgetfulness'?

2rebecca Tue 09-Jul-13 08:21:56

I think you have to let go of making all the childcare decisions. if you were divorced then every other weekend he would have the kids and may be leaving them with members of his family.
Some mothers get too drawn into the role of organiser and vetter of suitable babysitters and then complain they can't go out because no-one meets their high standards.
It's just 1 weekend, leave him to sort it out. If you dismiss all his suggestions it will just confirm in his mind that childcare is your role and he shouldn't get involved in it.

mrsjay Tue 09-Jul-13 09:04:25

I agree with rebecca let him sort it trust him to look after his dds interests dont get drawn into it you are both her parents OP not just you who makes these decisions

Thumbwitch Tue 09-Jul-13 10:31:50

Jessica - my DH is like this to an extent as well (not quite as bad, he doesn't forget things that are happening but he leaves organising stuff around them to the last minute or to me) - but he has a home office and is a territory manager, so he has to be very organised at work.

I think because he has to do that at work, he CBA to do it at home as well - he "uses up" his organisational capacity on his job. Certainly he seems to expect me to do all his thinking for our home life (which, in general, I refuse to do)

quoteunquote Tue 09-Jul-13 11:20:35

We have joint diaries, which come up on the computer and phones, so we both can see instantly, what it booked in, and who is doing what, where and when.

That way these things cannot happen.

ActionLog Tue 09-Jul-13 14:15:24

OP - realistically is there anyone who even if available and willing is going to be suitable to look after DD for a whole weekend? If not then better to determine that now and he acknowledges he is not going.

diddl Tue 09-Jul-13 19:53:43

Forgot it was for a weekend.

A 1yr old for a weekend-that's quite a big ask tbh-may not be easy to sort out-and hardly an emergency!

I think he needs a rethink about going tbh.

paintyourbox Wed 10-Jul-13 20:10:49

Thumb in answer to your question he will be able to look after DD following his op but because of where the wound will be, driving for long periods will not be comfortable.

There are several close friends who would have DD, but they all have busy jobs and work weekends so of he doesn't ask them soon they may not be free. I am saying nothing however...

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 11-Jul-13 17:30:03

its amazing how many times this happens with my friends (they have kids i dont) so i dont need to plan childcare, but would obv tell my oh if i have plans

men seem to assume that they can go out to the pub/play golf/go fishing etc without consulting their oh

woman tell their men they are doing abc and confirm that their partners are about/free to look after kids

yes it is op's dh problem and he needs to sort it out, but would be better to try and work out a solution as a couple if you dont want inlaws tolook after your lo

Slainte Wed 24-Jul-13 15:36:53

Just wondering how this all panned out OP. Hope you all had a happy outcome.

Paintyourbox Wed 24-Jul-13 20:25:53

Well currently DP has not organised any childcare, his parents are away that weekend so can't look after DD and my parents can't get time off work.

I have booked my train tickets however so looks like he is having a weekend at home!

BiscuitDunker Wed 24-Jul-13 20:50:01

Your DH sound just like mine OP! I write everything on the calender (and on the fridge a lot of the time) so that there can be no arguements,no forgotten appointments and so that DH has a referance point and will always know what we're doing....does it make a blind bit of difference? Does it hell!

For example. This friday-DH has an appointment at 10:50 and then we have to go and see the midwife at 11:45,both are written on the calender AND the fridge...

This afternoon:-
DH- XYZ company just rang me and want to arrange a telephone interview so I've arranged it for 11:30 friday.
Me- We will be on the way to the drs at 11:30 so how are you going to manage an interview at that time when you will be driving and then going straight in to see the midwife at 11:45?
DH- We've got the midwife on friday?
Me- Yes,its on the calender and on the fridge and has been for 2weeks now and I've been reminding you everyday since friday so you wouldn't forget and go making plans for before 12!
DH- Well I didn't know did I?!

WTAF!!

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