He is not going on that stag do- AIBU?!

(125 Posts)
paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 09:16:04

Bit of a backstory- DP has zero organisational skills. Last year we missed his friends wedding as he forgot to book the day off work and couldn't get a swap at the last minute. More recently we had to cancel a night out he had arranged as I was working late and he hasn't checked the calendar (where all of my shifts are written!)

I have booked to go on a girls weekend in August. It was booked for Sept but we had to cancel as DP forgot to tell me about a wedding we are invited too! So I ask DP, he says its all fine and go ahead and book.

Tonight he has a look of panic on his face after remembering the weekend I have booked is actually his best friends stag do. Was it on the calendar? No. Had he told me about it earlier? No.

I'm so annoyed with him. We have had so many arguments about this and he still can't sort himself out. To make it worse some of my friends have already booked trains etc so I can re-arrange it now- especially as it was because of me that we re-arranged in the first place.

So I told him that unless he finds someone to have DD (bear in mind our families are 6 hours away) that he will not be going on the stag do!

AIBU? I feel like this is the only way he will learn. I've bought him a diary, we have weekly "meetings" to check in with what's going on and still he doesn't get it!

ViviPru Mon 08-Jul-13 10:51:42

OP what was his response when you said that unless he can arrange childcare for DD he can't go? Do he see that as tantamount to just Not Going or as a challenge he's keen to undertake to ensure everyone's happy?

Lweji Mon 08-Jul-13 11:00:06

I'm sure his secretary can arrange some child care.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 08-Jul-13 11:06:51

YANBU. He knew the consequences of not being organised as its not the first time he's missed out on something because of it. If it never has a negative effect on him he will never make the effort to improve it in the future.

You have no reason to feel guilty, he's a grown up, and this is his own fault.

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 11:06:51

Vivi he said that it was more than fair and he would sort childcare out.

The only concern I now have is that he will leave organising said childcare until the last minute...

MortifiedAdams Mon 08-Jul-13 11:13:00

But that shouldnt be something you are worrying about as it will.only affect him if he leaves it til the last minute.

flowery Mon 08-Jul-13 11:13:52

YABU to be annoyed with him, as he should be annoyed with himself. Him missing his friend's stag do isn't something you need to be annoyed about although his friend obviously is entitled to be annoyed.

As long as he would not be the type to go on the stag and forget to bring the kids to childcare, or leave them at home and forget about them, this is not your concern....

diddl Mon 08-Jul-13 11:14:14

Why would organising at the last minute be a problem?

What I'd be more concerned about is reliable/trustworthy.

Since it's your children's welfare, I assume he can be trusted to use suitable childcare?

HaroldLloyd Mon 08-Jul-13 11:16:40

Your totally in the right! He will just have to drive dd to someone the day before & pick her up if he wants to go that badly.

Totally his fault.

ViviPru Mon 08-Jul-13 11:21:35

Haha OP I totally sympathise. I have one of my own (scatterbrain DH)

I hope he surprises you this time smile

Crinkle77 Mon 08-Jul-13 11:24:06

YANBU. It is his fault. You checked with him first and he gave you the ok. You have tried to help him get more organised and he still can't manage it.

NicholasTeakozy Mon 08-Jul-13 11:45:27

YANBU in the slightest. If you let him off the hook again he has no incentive to change and therefore won't. You going away leaving him with your DD might be the kick up the arse he needs.

Have a great weekend with your friends. smile

OrangeLily Mon 08-Jul-13 11:53:53

YANBU. Also don't let him 'blame' you for this either when he tells his friends. I know a man like this that will easily tell his friends that its his DW's fault that he can't attend things when he actually just expects her to organise him like she's his Mother!

icecreamandsauce Mon 08-Jul-13 11:54:53

Has he perhaps got inattentive ADHD?

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

(Read down for the stuff about adults)

If he has that's not a reason to rescue his stag weekend, you still have to go on your weekend, it's just a screw up and he'll unfortunately have to live with the consequences.

But what you said about him being known as scatty, relying on a secretary at work, permanently disorganized... it's sounding a bit familiar.

People with ADHD are just the ones at the far extreme end of the spectrum for that type of thing, and lots of people are almost there but not quite - where you are exactly only really matters if you need medication.

It doesn't really change anything if he decides that does sound like him - it's a long haul to get a diagnosis even for the most obvious cases - but it might give you and him some insights into ways he can handle his disorganized tendencies.

You might think all he has to do is try harder, but in fact what he might need to do as well is to go massively over the top with visual reminders and alarms where he will see them - to a degree that you would find unnecessary or even annoying, because for most people it would be.

He's got to do whatever works, even if people around him are irritated by the fact that he needs these extra reminders and help and can't just instantly decide to be good at organisation. Just repeatedly trying and failing and being rescued by other people is not good long-term solution!

paintyourbox Mon 08-Jul-13 11:55:21

I am worried if he leaves it too the last minute he may consider more "unsuitable" childcare (e.g. BIL who would undoubtedly help out but has no kids and even more scatterbrained than DP, it would be a disaster waiting to happen!)

ViviPru Mon 08-Jul-13 11:59:16

Interesting, icecream

I've been reading this thread with interest as my DH DOES have diagnosed adult ADHD, and this extremely poor time management/organisation is a hallmark.

Without wanting to sound like I'm starting some kind of amateur diagnosis, OP, I'm curious, does he have any other behaviours or habits which could indicate this?

PoundlandClareRayner Mon 08-Jul-13 12:08:40

You are going to capitulate at the last minute aren't you, because you don't actually trust your H to make appropriate arrangements

Is this why you have always picked up after his ridiculous messes ?

I reckon it's more that he actually has you right where he wants you, like a monkey on a stick rather than "scatty" or ADHD (am sick fo that excuse being put forward as an excuse for all sorts of manipulative behaviour)

I predict a last minute crisis that necessitates you stepping in and missing your weekend away. When that happens, makes sure he misses out to, won't you ?

PoundlandClareRayner Mon 08-Jul-13 12:09:09

*too

CaurnieBred Mon 08-Jul-13 12:09:41

He may also be one of those people who hates organising anything in advance and even the fact of putting something in the diary is committing him to doing something (even if it is something he wants to do). This act of commitment can cause some people major stress.

Whereas, if you are an anal, control freak like me, the act of not being organised makes me very stressed.

diddl Mon 08-Jul-13 12:12:26

Perhaps give him a list of suitable childcare to contact?

diddl Mon 08-Jul-13 12:13:59

Oh, & if he would use unsuitable childcare just so that he can go to a stag do, then he's a shit father.

yanbu!

go and enjoy your time away grin

ViviPru Mon 08-Jul-13 12:20:15

I agree Poundland, it IS irritating when ADHD is flippantly used to excuse other behaviours. Particularly as it adds to the scepticism we face with DH's condition.

But it could be that if the OP's DH does display other symptoms of ADHD, and she does not experience manipulative behaviour from him in other aspects of their lives, then it could be something worth consideration...

icecreamandsauce Mon 08-Jul-13 12:22:53

I would want a veto on the childcare, i.e. his responsibility to sort it out, but I'd set a deadline by which it has to be sorted out and approved by both of you. Do you think something like that could work? You'd need to agree that deadline together and then stick to it. You could express it as a general rule that applies to you too, i.e. all childcare is booked with plenty of time to spare and agreed by both, last minute childcare is only OK with certain pre-agreed people.

ADHD is not an excuse, that's media @#!*% .

Knowing they have ADHD doesn't reduce someone's responsibilities or accountability - it forces them to find different ways to fullfil those responsibilities. Yes, it should lead the people around them to be aware that some things will be harder than others, because it is real and those things really will be more difficult, but it doesn't let people off their responsibilities.

An ADHD diagnosis doesn't, in the real world, ever mean someone getting to flop around saying they don't have to do things or normal rules don't apply to them. It's only in the eyes of the media looking for a straw man to knock down that it means that.

Longdistance Mon 08-Jul-13 12:27:14

I have a brilliant sign in our kitchen, that really sums up my dh. It says...

'Lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine'

It gets pointed out a lot grin

YANBU

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