To not give a friend a wedding present?

(102 Posts)
milktraylady Mon 08-Jul-13 07:24:31

Been friends with A for 6 years, meet up every month or so with another friend (let's call her friend B).
A is getting married soon. We have heard all about the wedding plans. B and I were hoping for an invite.

Nope- not getting invited!
Saw her last week, 160 people are going its not a sit down meal, so it's not like there isn't space for 2 more chairs/ the expense of 2 more people.

I'm gutted. I really thought we were friends & wanted to share her special day. B & I both like her OH and are really happy for her.

So- am I being unreasonable to not give her a wedding present? She told us she only wants money as they don't have their own place yet & will be moving quite a bit for a year or two, so they don't want lots of 'stuff'. (Which she could store at her parents big house)

I don't think she understands that wedding presents are supposed to set you up in life, not provide you with cash.

Do I send them a congrats card just? Can't bring myself to ever give money for wedding present, vouchers at the most.

Or do I just not bother to arrange to see her again & let the friendship go? (we've been forgotten about quite a bit since the new man came on the scene)

Come on mumsnet tell me what to do! smile

LucieLucie Wed 10-Jul-13 16:51:06

OP - did your friend buy your new baby a gift? If she did then if I were in your shoes I would buy her a nice bottle of wine and a wedding card. If she didn't then no wedding card & no gift...let that friendship continue to sink.

pigletmania Wed 10-Jul-13 13:21:33

As wedding I quite soon I don't think teir will be an invite. Surely if she did send op an invite and it got lost and sh had not therefore had an answer from op, friend would hav asked op if she was coming and had she got the invite. It is rude of friend talking in detail about te wedding to op and her friend, knowing she has not invited them, how crass!

MumnGran Wed 10-Jul-13 12:24:09

I think I must admit to being very confused by original post ...from which I understood that friend was discussing all wedding plans with OP, including having 160 people in the evening, plus had talked about options for cash instead of presents .....all of which indicated that she was either seriously bitchy "this is all happening but you are not coming" OR she was sharing because the OP would be sharing in some part of the day.
Of the two ....the second would be much more likely so it was reasonable to suggest talking to her as there may have been miscommunication (do we even know if all the evening invites have been sent out yet?)

If, indeed, there has only been passing mention of the event (because friend was asked about it) and no suggestion that OP should be giving a present (cash or otherwise) then I apologise for my own confusion ....and suggest OP just accepts that this is not someone who feels close enough to her to want to include her on the day!

MissStrawberry Wed 10-Jul-13 11:48:51

Most of this thread seems to be made up of indignation because she hasn't invited the OP to the wedding but still asked her for money.

She didn't ask!!!

pigletmania Wed 10-Jul-13 11:44:06

I don't think its about the lack of invite, but op thought she was much closer to this friend than than she realised, and felt slighted because the friend did not obviously feel as close to her hence the lack of invite. There fore I personally would put less effort into this ' friendship', and mabey meet every few months if op still wants to be friends with this person. Certainly the friendship would not feel the same again

melika Wed 10-Jul-13 11:16:40

Can't understand why she would ask for money, I think she assumes you and B are coming?!

Cherriesarelovely Wed 10-Jul-13 10:30:52

Otoh I can see how people who are really close to you who want to bring a gift would actually want you to have something you really wanted/needed and so may be happy to give money.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 10-Jul-13 10:29:48

Agree with your response OP. I don't care how many family and friends she has you don't discuss your wedding plans in detail with friends of several years unless you are inviting them or unless you say apologetically the reasons why you can't invite them. It's just incredibly rude.

My cousin sent the asking for money poem for her wedding this summer. She and her DP are both really lovely people but I was very torn about the twee money grabbing poem...especially as it mentioned something like "pennies for our savings pot"! Fgs! As if someone is going to send them 10p!

milktraylady Wed 10-Jul-13 10:11:27

No! She mentioned it in response to Bs criticism of people asking for money.

I should have asked if they put in a poem wink in the invites.
(But was to miffed to bother)

has she actually asked you for money?

milktraylady Wed 10-Jul-13 09:31:11

I think I will send a card, but not initiate any more meet ups. It's up to her I think.

She's quite churchy & we're not, so I think the clique comes first hmm

pigletmania Wed 10-Jul-13 08:48:26

No don ask, just a card and mabey don't meet up as often and let the friendship drift if that's what you want

MumnGran Wed 10-Jul-13 08:18:27

I would usually agree zillion ....but did those people discuss their wedding plans with you and tell you what to get them as a present?
Something just doesn't add up and, for me, that's always a good reason to open a conversation about it.

ZillionChocolate Wed 10-Jul-13 07:37:27

I don't think you should ask why you're not invited. Whatever the reason, you're outside the list of people who get an available space. I have friends I didn't invite to my wedding and friends whose weddings I wasn't invited to. It hasn't had any impact on our relationships.

TimeofChange Wed 10-Jul-13 07:25:31

Could the invite have got lost in the post?

I'm also one for being upfront and ask why you haven't been invited. What's the worst that can happen? She doesn't want to be your friend anymore. If you don't ask, then it doesn't sound like your friendship is going to last anyway. It may be that she has put the invites down, intending to give them to you next time she sees you and then thought she'd posted them.
If she has no intention of inviting you and has no "good" reason for it, then move on. Unless you ask you'll never know.
And with the whole baby thing, I've had 5 babies and still have no inclination whatever to hold anyone else's. Maybe probably I'm odd, but I really don't see why anyone would want to hold anyone else's baby at all. I would never assume that anyone wanted to hold any of mine.

mumofweeboys Tue 09-Jul-13 00:20:48

I think Id grab the bull by the horns and ask her why u and b were not invited if your ditching friendship anyway

Hate to say it but she certainly isn't your friend if she invites
160 people to her wedding and doesn't ask you.
Give her fuck all.

raisah Mon 08-Jul-13 22:12:15

I was in a similar situation about ten years ago & I let the frienship slowly drift away. I met this girl through work & became what I thought quite close friends over several years. We both helped each other through hard times & I even helped her out with some wedding arrangements. I did not receive an invitation & the night before she phoned me up saying that I could come if I wanted to. It was a bit bizarre so I politely declined by saying that I had other plans for the day. Several mutual friends ( who were all invited to the wedding) informed me later
that she had got divorced after having two ds.
They encouraged me to renew contact but I didn't because it would have been awkward & I did not want her to think that I was gloating.

MumnGran Mon 08-Jul-13 21:46:04

Absolutely no gift!!....... but always a believer in communication here, so would actually say to her that you think its a bit cheeky to ask for a gift from people she is not inviting!!

expatinscotland Mon 08-Jul-13 20:39:02

I don't particularly like holding other peoples' babies and I've had 3 children myself. I mean, they're sort of cute and all, but they don't do much for me, tbh. I was even worse before I had children.

But no, no present or bridal shower present, either (when she'll want more money).

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 17:29:08

Littlewhite I think your wrong tbh. To meet up one a month sounds like a good friendship, yes I would feel slighted if I were not invited, we are not robots but humans with feelings. Ithink a card is fair enough if you have not been invited to a wedding. Some people invited to our wedding (no evening just one meal) bought a card only

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 17:19:09

Cheeky moo asking for a wedding present and no invite. Just give her a card and nothing else!

musicalmum40 Mon 08-Jul-13 17:04:05

Definitely only buy a present if you're invited. And don't get roped into any of that bridal shower cp. Make an excuse.

milktraylady Mon 08-Jul-13 15:47:17

Lady you could be right! Maybe it's no kids at the wedding, who knows?
But I wasn't necessarily going to bring baby anyway.

General consensus is ignore the not holding baby thing- fair enough. I think I was wound up by that point, so I then took offence at that!

Wedding is quite soon, I shouldn't think we will get invites now. Unless we are Zlist when they get some nos.

Perhaps indeed they have 160 closer friends & family than us. Still disappointed though.

Going to ignore Currys comments, as they are so harsh.
But this is AIBU- I was prepared for vipers! wink

Conclusion is-
yes to sending a nice wedding card.
No to sending a present or money.
No to me arranging another get together.

Job done.
Thanks for the responses everyone
smile

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