to feel uncomfortable about OH hanging out with his younger mates...

(51 Posts)
Khaleasy Sun 30-Jun-13 21:34:37

Genuine advice wanted!

OH (26) has recently starting seeing a lot more of his old group of mates. They are all a few years younger than him but act like rowdy teenagers (think taking pictures of themselves on the toilets at night clubs, flashing at strangers etc).
OH and I have lived together for the last 3 years and before that he was dating another girl for 3 years, they broke up because she cheated.
Ex-GF is always at these outings, she is loud, self-centred and very "it's all about me" so is nearly always centre-stage. She spent a lot of time trying to steal OH back from me (emails, calls at home and at work, stalking. OH ended up having to change his number, she threatened to come to our house etc).

I don't really like the group, have hung out with them once or twice a few years ago but its not really my scene. They live a good hour away and OH will go out of his way to see them, often at the detriment of seeing me.

(OH is very kind, loving and supportive when I do see him though).

I have a feeling that IAMBU for would like some tips to stop myself getting so internally wound up about it. Everytime I think of it, I get a horrible feeling.

garlicnutty Mon 01-Jul-13 21:10:46

Well, if you were my niece or something, I'd advise you to suck it up and start using some of the time he's out on the lash for your own pursuits. How much art have you been making lately? Are you attending any classes, have you joined a co-operative? How much time do you spend interacting with fellow artists and their work?

Get going on your art, and get going on the water sports too. Consciously develop input that engages, fascinates and makes you feel fully You.

I'd also have another long talk with him about the lunatic ex, but apart from that just bowl along your own way. See whether you grow closer or further apart.

I'm not a man but I was not ready to settle down at 26. I just wanted to go out and have fun.

You both clearly want different things. It doesn't mean either of you are wrong, just not right for each other.

SacreBlue Mon 01-Jul-13 20:58:02

My ex was 36 and still did this (with his younger cousin and his mates) so age is not a big marker on maturity. I still go out occasionally with friend and her mates <stealth boast - they assumed at first I was her age mwaaaahhaaa and 15yrs> but only for the start of the evening as I am not a big party goer.

I would think a good heart to heart might help because if he is lovely in all other respects he may not realise how much you are upset by it.

^^ all of this is without taking into account his stalker ex. I think I would be up the wall too since it's often a case of 'when the drink is in the wit is out'

I couldn't put up with my ex any longer but there were other issues (no stalker ex but plenty besides) so not fair of me to advise you to LTB when he may not be a B and you may not have cause to L him if you both can work it out.

cardamomginger Mon 01-Jul-13 20:57:44

OK. So actually he's encouraging you to follow your dream, rather than get bogged down in a succession of jobs that you hate. That sounds a hell of a lot better!

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 20:50:54

Lived in south africa for just under a year and then had my own apartment for about 6 months before met OH.

Career building thing - he wants me to become an artist because thats a bit of a dream of mine. But its not going to pay the bills! So I'm working several jobs to try and save save save. OH is keen on me working at being an artist, rather than working my way up at the Office job/Nanny job.

Khaleasy, you moved out from your mum & stepdad when you were 16/17, moved in with him when you were 18? Or did you move straight from your mum's to living with him?

You're 5 years younger than him, all his friends are younger than him. All?Sorry, but that suggests to me that he is not comfortable with people his own age. I.e. immature. You on the other hand, seem a little bit old before your time (but then it sounds as if your childhood was of the type to force maturity upon you sad).

I do wonder if you would have ended up living together had you been happily living with your mum when you met him. It strikes me that your relationship may have been swept along by circumstances/encouraged by circumstances. I think it is possible that you have grown apart. You do sound like two very different people. Perhaps it would be a good time to consider what you are looking for from your future, and whether he fits in to it? sad

cardamomginger Mon 01-Jul-13 20:41:32

I am also a bit curious to know how you found out that mad ex-GF is part of this group. Did he tell you, explain how (according to him) she is different now and ask you if it was OK? Did he announce it as a done deal? Did you find out by accident?

cardamomginger Mon 01-Jul-13 20:39:36

Also a bit worried about him stopping you worrying about career-building. What does that mean?

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 20:22:11

But he hangs out with her? - he says it's all sorted now and she does happens to be part of the group he hangs out in

Garlic - love Art, playing the piano and any kind of watersport

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 01-Jul-13 20:12:45

Hang on.

So his ex stalked him and made such a nuisance of herself that your oh had to change his number....

But he hangs out with her?

On what planet is that acceptable or normal?

garlicnutty Mon 01-Jul-13 20:09:02

What else, OP? Art, music, dancing? Do you go clubbing or to gigs? Have you ever fancied yoga, kickboxing, tai'chi, mountaineering? What about long country walks, country pubs, camping? Are you interested in cookery? Ever wanted to try paragliding, surfing or diving?

garlicnutty Mon 01-Jul-13 20:06:31

men like this dont change. They remain infantile.

My ex's mates still post FB updates about waking up in a doorway, finding traffic cones in the living room along with assorted objects taken from bars & restaurants, and photos of them all baring their arses in busy night-time streets. This year they will be 47.

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 20:04:22

He never really had friends his own age, not whilst ive known him anyway. they are only about 2-3 years younger than him.
I can confidently assure you that he's not abusive.

Honestly I don't know what I like to do. I only just remembered ice skating grin I fall down a lot though. Take people with me. Probably a liability!

Frostybean Mon 01-Jul-13 19:39:52

Speaking from experience, men like this dont change. They remain infantile. Does he gain security from having you as 'his rock?' Why does he have no friends his own age? Have they abandoned him?

garlicnutty Mon 01-Jul-13 18:52:43

Ice skating smile

What else did you love to do?

GiveItYourBestShot Mon 01-Jul-13 18:45:17

OP, this concerns me "he tries to stop me worrying about career-building." A good career is your ticket to an independent life. If you want to work on buidling and developing a good work situation it would be good to be with a oartner who supports you in that goal.

garlicnutty Mon 01-Jul-13 18:34:58

grin So gah she named it twice.

Khaleasy, we often seek to replicate our parents' relationships - and their relationships with us - without realising it. It's something to do with trying to do it better this time, as adults; a kind of emotional attempt to relive the past and fix the mistakes. The problem with this, usually, is that those early relationships were not dysfunctional because of anything we did, were, or didn't do. The other people - our Mum's partner(s) and/or our parents - were 'faulty'.

Growing up, we sometimes find people who are dysfunctional in the same ways as them, then try to have a better relationship with them. This makes sense to the unconscious, emotional mind, but is horrendously flawed as you can see. It's a bit like someone who, having been starved through childhood, grows up obsessed with eating as little as possible and wasting nothing. They don't need to restrict their own access to food as an adult, but in some way they're 'proving' to themselves that they can live successfully with inadequate nourishment.

I think this is what your boyfriend is to you - your "do it better" project. I bet he's emotionally abusive in some of the ways that are familiar from childhood, and somewhat nicer in others. I bet you focus on the nicer things, almost to prove your relationship isn't like your Mum's. And I bet you feel strongly, almost urgently, that you can change him if you only find out how to make him understand.

This sort of thing is incredibly normal. It's not the most successful way of going about things, though. The successful approach is to put your efforts and emotions into healthy, balanced people who don't play games. There are loads of them about, especially in your early twenties! Find people whose presence makes you feel good about yourself, and about them - folks you can really relax with. Don't tick boxes, just "be". And ditch anyone who makes you feel nervy or inadequate.

Good luck smile

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 17:14:11

gah

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 17:13:53

gah

LucySnoweShouldRelax Mon 01-Jul-13 17:05:20

You're 21. You don't need to be in a relationship. You don't even need to be looking for a relationship. Maybe some space for yourself, to find more self-confidence in who you are and what you want, will eventually bring you closer to a more respectful, emotionally mature relationship in the long term.

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 16:51:02

It's probably fair to add that I have chronic anxiety/depression - so my opinion is not going to be worth much. Very skewed.

glastocat Mon 01-Jul-13 15:59:41

There is nothing wrong with you the way you are. You are not highly strung, you are just different to your boyfriend ( who frankly sounds like a bit of an immature asshole). It doesn't sound like a bundle of laughs to me, and when you are 21 you should be having lots of fun, whatever form that takes for you. Perhaps you have out grown him? I wouldn't be worried about maybe not finding someone better, you almost certainly will find someone who makes you happier.

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 15:59:29

note: Both are emotionally (and in my youth with my step-dad, physically) abusive to me as well. As a result I am estranged from my Dad and moved out of the house away from StepDad at 16/17

(Can you tell I'm not a fan?)

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 15:58:32

What kind of relationships did your Mum have op? - both were/are emotionally abusive (Dad and then step-dad. No respect for her, makes her feel worthless, very dismissive of her and her personality)

Triumphoveradversity Mon 01-Jul-13 15:54:07

What kind of relationships did your Mum have op?

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