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AIBU?

To want to reestablish this friendship sorry this is long

87 replies

vacantStation · 30/06/2013 19:50

DH had a horrible surgical procedure earlier this year. We didn't want to tell anyone about it as 'twas intimate surgery. We did tell a couple, close friends of ours who were quite supportive.

Above friends were having a party for birthday. (Meal and drinks/dancing) which we planned to possibly shuffle along to for a few hours. This was about 4 days after DH was discharged from 3rd hospital admission.

Due to this surgery we basically went into hiding for what ended up being a couple of months! To avoid questions.

Friends knew that this was really private and we were avoiding people.

There was only one mutual set of friends going but above friends were short of numbers so invited a couple, friends of OURS that they have only met socially a handful of times... with us.

I was absolutely furious as we had not seen these friends for ages and were kind of avoiding seeing them until DH had recovered and above friends had not had the sensitivity to think about this,. To add to this

above friend had told them he was 10 years younger than he actually is. When we became aware of this, it was really a bit embarrassing. We told them that he had been dating a 16 year old girl (quite a few years before) and that he had lied about his age for about 3 years while this was going on. We didn't know he had actually decided to contiue this!

The disturbing thing was he has also continued this lie into his marriage with his lovely wife who became a great friend.
He told lovely wife that he wanted to be 27 as he had 'lost years' of his life to being depressed. She accepted this though all her family now believe him to be 27.

DH and i used to worry about him visiting this 16 yo girl who lived with this huge (and somewhat hard) family in rural wales. i.e if they ever found out he would get a pasting at best, at worst chucked in a hole never to be seen again.

The most uncomfortable think about this scenario is that at their wedding, the father of the 16 year old girl he was dating (he remained in contact with the family for years) got up and gave a speech about what a lovely 'young' man he was. (Friend and the 16 year old (now 21) are no longer in contact. 16 year old didn't want anything more to do with him. This was before the expensive wedding.

So anyway, i absolutely lost my rag with this bloke .. so did dh and said that we were really pissed off that he had put us in an awkward situation with our friends following dh surgery, Then this whole barrage of 'what the fuck do you think your playing at' re the age thing and lying and stuff came out....(which I know was a bit nasty and perhaps none of my business) I just feel that we were being brought into this rabbit hole of lies..(there were quite a few more too)

I am really glad to be away from it all. The guy was really controlling and hard work at times. Would walk around our houe like he owned the place and would be really aggrieved when we socialised with other people. He also turned up when we were on a date and would expect to be invited to family occasions.

It's our own bloody fault really . I think over years that the friendship needed to change as our lives were changing.

Me and DH both feel alot happier without the pressure and lies of this friendship but i really really miss this guys wife and feel years of friendship with both of them have been chucked away.

For all his flaws. (were all flawed right?) They were still people we cared about.

I regret not setting boundaries better and losing my temper. WIBU ? Shall i try and patch it up?

I have been in contact via text with wife and saw her briefly, it was lovely to see her and we rammed alot of talking into about 5 minutes but her H isn't comfortable for us to see each other or get a coffee or whatever. ~She says she needs to respect his feelings. She looked upset. I fee really sad. I don't want to harrass them but at the same time years of friendship are hard to erase. What would you do?

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aldiwhore · 30/06/2013 20:08

I struggled to follow that sorry.

Firstly, if you go to a party, you're not "In Hiding" and you cannot expect other people to think that much about things. Also, if your other friends have met this friend socially a few times, then why shouldn't your friend invite them?

After that it all got a bit mushy and you write in a way that your friend sounds like a creep so why bother with him if you disapprove so strongly?

Lying about your age, sad but no great crime unless you're committing a great crime.

I suppose it depends greatly on what came out in the wash when you shouted at him?

Your whole post sounds really odd sorry.

Our friends would probably either know about sensitive procedures or we'd be so hidden we'd bump into none of them at parties.

YABU.