I generally don't know if IABU.

(56 Posts)
Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 11:27:40

I live with my parents (Long story) which is not by choice. We have had our problems however for a long time it has been pleasant being here but I need to know whether IABU with this particular problem.

DS is nearly 2 and I am 34 weeks PG, Today DS has been playing up not listening, tantrums and general toddler behaviour. He took something which he knows that he shouldn't ran away and wouldn't give it back to me. I took the item from him and told him no that he is not allowed said item and he started crying, at that point my F walks in from work and I tell him 'Don't lather DS with attention as he has been naughty' DS is still crying and follows F into the other room. I hear my F praising DS and playing with him. An argument broke out between me and my F as I explained to him that if he comes in after DS has been naughty and praises him and plays with him that he will always come to him (Its as if that's what he wants) F called me a jealous mother and said that I have problems. He told me that he will never be nasty to DS (I wasn't asking this, I was asking him to not praise DS and give him loads of attention as DS generally cries and I quietly talk to him about what he has done and then things are fine).

My F doesn't listen to how I want to raise DS and goes against my requests for when he is with him.

Who is BU?

lljkk Sat 22-Jun-13 19:45:16

I'm struggling to follow this, but maybe GF was praising the boy for good behaviour to encourage that, not otherwise interfering?

Sounds like GF was trying to be nice to the boy to cheer everyone up and improve the boy's behaviour faster; maybe a clumsy effort to help make peace for everyone.

TeenAndTween Sat 22-Jun-13 18:11:47

As I understand it the OP was in the middle of telling off her DS, the GF came in and the DS went off with GF in the middle of the incident?

If so, I think the OP wan't clear enough in what she said to the GF. Would have been clearer to say "GF, I'm just having a few words with DS, he'll be with you in a minute", then finish dealing with incident, then send off the GF and let GF behave as usual.

Engelsemama Sat 22-Jun-13 17:11:56

YANBU Your DF undermined you and his comments were rude and uncalled for
. Sounds like you're living in a really difficult situation. <hugs>

DoJo Sat 22-Jun-13 17:05:24

CailinDana - You're very lucky then to have that option. Our house is too small (or our son is too inventive) to avoid occasionally having to stop our him from touching something he shouldn't such as the controls on the front of the dishwasher, plug sockets, the rubbish bin etc and he cries when we stop him from touching them. It's disheartening to think that I would be considered cruel for that by some on this thread.

aldiwhore Fri 21-Jun-13 19:03:25

Marmite I think the timing was bad and your F was NBU. BUT he shouldn't undermine you.. you are allowed to remain 'cross', on the other hand, the whole world doesn't have to be cross too. Your F could have helped with a frown or an 'OH DEARY ME' look, then resumed business as usual.

Your DS is still VERY little.

I'm not going to blast you too much though, even if I think YABU, as 'forbidden' means little to a child so young, it's something that develops over time.

You sounds stressed and not in a great place, and I think you can be forgiven, it's not easy being pregnant with a small child, living with your parents in their home where both your parental rules AND yours apply AND will clash.

So I'm going to give you a bit of a break and send a very unMN hug your way.

CailinDana Fri 21-Jun-13 18:55:53

Dojo - no i would (and do) try my best to keep forbidden items out of reach and if through my own oversight my ds got hold of something forbidden and ended up crying i'd not be best pleased with myself.

1Catherine1 Fri 21-Jun-13 18:12:23

Putting myself in your situation... My DD is 2yrs and 3 months - we've been using the "naughty step" for about 2 months. It which time, I'm withholding attention and affection for 2 minutes. By some standards on this thread am I cruel?

When I visit and stay with my parents I would be furious with them if they broke the naughty step rule. Not that they would - both my DM and DF would say to DD "Mummy said sit on the step" and remove themselves from the situation (leave the area near the step).

I think the differences is we have a clear system of discipline. Everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet. You can't expect your DF to follow an arbitrary punishment system which he doesn't understand, never mind you DS.

I think the comment from your DF was unfair though..

Cherriesarelovely Fri 21-Jun-13 17:52:03

Basically what DeWe said!

Cherriesarelovely Fri 21-Jun-13 17:50:36

Sounds like bit of a stressful day. I understand what you mean but I also think it must've been hard for your f to be offish with your toddler when he isn't normally due to some misdemeanour that he wasn't part of. Not a reason for him to make a huge fuss of your Ds I know. If your f told him "oh, don't worry about mummy, she's just being silly" or "it's ok it wasn't your fault" or something like that then yes but if he was just being jolly and not referring to what happened then I think that was ok.

DoJo Fri 21-Jun-13 17:41:44

* OP - I took the item from him and told him no that he is not allowed said item and he started crying*

CailinDana - I wouldn't be too pleased with myself if i made my child cry.

Really? So if your child had got hold of something they shouldn't and cried when you took it from them you would just give it back?

SoleSource Fri 21-Jun-13 16:57:30

YABVU I agree with most here.

imnotmymum Fri 21-Jun-13 16:03:46

And for what it is worth I am sure arguing in front of your child will be more detrimental than on one occasion GD doing what he did. He has had a lot of upheavel with his Father leaving

Cat98 Fri 21-Jun-13 15:10:28

I can see both sides (resident fence-sitter, me!)

I agree that at 2, he is too young To understand cause and effect here, so he could have just been bewildered at your df's withdrawal had he followed your wishes. and I'm not convinced about ignoring anyway as a punishment for a 2 year old.

However we all parent differently and I don't think your dad should have ignored your wishes. Discuss them with you later, maybe, if he disagrees, but not ignored them there and then- it is a little undermining.

So IMO yabu for the discipline method, but YANBU to be a bit peeved at your df.

MrsMook Fri 21-Jun-13 14:57:09

I think you were reasonable. You were dealing with it and didn't get chance to resolve the issue as you wished.

If DH comes in as I'm sorting out DS1 (2.6) I tell him the situation. He'll mention it briefly to DS, supporting me, then change the situation. He's not denied attention, but over showering with praise and attention isn't appropriately immediately afterwards. We think its important for our DC to see the family unit as being united. If we do have an issue with our approaches, we'll discuss it quietly after.

Your parents are part of the family unit and need to co-operate, not undermine. There's plenty of chance for their affection when you've resolved the situation. (And looking after a toddler in heavy pregnancy is not easy)

PrincessScrumpy Fri 21-Jun-13 14:48:42

I have 2 21mo dds and I know I discipline them instantly by using the step - no one talks to then if they're on the step, however you allowed ds to follow his grandad and I think uabu to expect him to ignore your ds when he didn't see the offence being committed so DC won't understand why he's being ignored. Also, it may be your child but it's their house.
I know when DC stay with gps they stay up late and eat lots of chocolate - my parents love the fact they get to enjoy gc without the discipline.

CailinDana Fri 21-Jun-13 14:46:11

*posters!

CailinDana Fri 21-Jun-13 14:44:53

I think i have quite a different idea about discipline than other pisters. I wouldn't be too pleased with myself if i made my child cry. Imo punishment shouldn't involve any anger shouting or crying and it shouldn't be necessary to comfort a child afterwards as a punishment shouldn't hurt them.

Viewofthehills Fri 21-Jun-13 14:37:06

If I understand the OP correctly she was halfway through the issue- ie had taken back the item her DS, but wanted to then explain why it was wrong and then make him feel better.
I think maybe if you had said " Can you give me 5 minutes with him- I'm sorting something out and then he can come and play" that might work better nxt time.
In our house we have always felt that the person who starts dealing with the issue finishes it. Don't be put off gentle discipline with a two year old- they know when they're pushing boundaries and feel secure when they've tested they're there IMO.

imnotmymum Fri 21-Jun-13 14:28:49

I am intrigued to know what he ran off with...

DeWe Fri 21-Jun-13 14:26:19

Personally I think in that situation it was ideal that your df came and played with him in a different room.

He's only little and you'd told him off for running off. He understood you were cross, he cried. At that age, for that offense that was fine.
Then he needs comfort, and he got it, while giving you a break.

If your df had been there, and called him over and said "you weren't naughty, mummy's nasty..." then complain. As it is, you and ds got a break from each other, which is often a good idea when things have been getting heated.

CailinDana Fri 21-Jun-13 14:21:27

Imo ignoring someone after you've dealt with the problem and worse still asking others who weren't even involved to ignore them isn't discipline it's childish emotional game-playing. You're basically teaching the child that if they do something wrong then their secure emotional base will be withdrawn.

Punishing a child isn't about making them feel bad it's about teaching them how to behave. Silly emotional manipulation like ignoring or withdrawing praise doesn't teach them anything except how to be manipulative.

imnotmymum Fri 21-Jun-13 14:14:39

OK so I guess you wanted us all to say YANBU. If it makes you feel better then there you go. Bored now...just do not lather him with attention! He is 2 he just saw GD and toddled off after him.

Marmite48 Fri 21-Jun-13 14:06:07

Just to clarify a few points that have been made; The incident with DS happened seconds before my F walked in, DS was sitting where the item had been taken from him crying. As soon as my F walked in DS got up and went to follow him. I never asked my F to ignore my DS I just said don't lather him with attention because he has just been told off. Had my F not walked in I would have let DS calm down and then picked him up to comfort him however I never got the chance as F picked him up and told him he was a 'good boy' and comforted him himself. My fears is that my F disregarding my request means that DS will see my F as a comfort after he has done something wrong- causing me to be undermined. I never deny my DS affection.

And the way you are behaving he will see you as the disciplinarian and feel shit living in an oppressive household.

You tell him off give him a hug and a quick kiss and you aren't, you are just lovely mum trying to get him to behave in a certain way.

If you must do naughty step and then kiss and cuddle but every reprimand or punishment should be immediate and then followed at such a young age with affection.

TooMuchRain Fri 21-Jun-13 13:41:54

But GPs do get to be good cops most of the time - and while you are living in their house I think you need to respect their way of doing things too.

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