AIBU to call off the wedding?

(61 Posts)
Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 11:07:54

So, after 7 years together and 2 kids DP finally proposed last weekend.
Cue much excitement from me, I obviously wanted to discuss venues, dates etc. Now DP is refusing to set a date. I immediately said next September would be perfect, he keeps making jokes about waiting for a few years, won't discuss venues etc.

I don't want to turn in to a bridezilla but I have been waiting a long time for this and I am 37. I don't agree with long engagements. What's the point in agreeing to get married then waiting for years? I also know venues get booked up quickly so would need to start looking soon for next year.

So AIBU to say unless he actually agrees on a date and agrees to discuss venues then we may as well call it off?

Didactylos Fri 21-Jun-13 19:04:39

I just got married to DP recently after a long engagement - life and kids got in the road but initially he had dragged his heels a bit. When we finally had time and money to sit down and plan something it was a bit of an odd conversation, and we just couldnt plan anything - we had to really work out why we were getting married.

The difference to my mind is that after a long time and kids its not what the traditional ceremony is about eg romantic aspirational promising something new to each other, but more about a celebration of what you have already and a committment to the future. We were always going to be married for legal/citizenship reasons but I think we both really valued being forced into a few conversations about what we had and where we saw ourselves going. It was kind of odd to create a ceremony around 'weve enjoyed sauntering along in the same direction so far, and wed like you all to know its going to continue' but we did it in 8mths and had a great childfriendly rowdy multicultural party that was enjoyed by all

josephinebruce Fri 21-Jun-13 19:03:42

Be careful that he doesn't end up resenting you because he feels you've forced him into marriage. Then you're looking at a divorce and that is not, my any means, cheap - and women can come off worse even when there's children.

ParadiseChick Fri 21-Jun-13 18:56:31

We had a long engagement, 4 years, as we were 19 when we got snagged, after a year together, and knew we wanted to finish study, buy a house etc before spending on a wedding. Throw in a baby and it took us 4 years to get round to the wedding.

Dozer Fri 21-Jun-13 18:54:27

Yanbu. You can sort out the financial security straightaway at low cost through legal agreements.

Timetoask Fri 21-Jun-13 18:42:33

We were engaged for 6 months. I don't see the point of long engagements either.

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 18:37:06

Ah LaQueen, I'm glad that story had a happy ending. It's hard, in a way I should have said marriage before kids but then if I had done that I think I would have ended up being unable to have any kids due to the subsequent chemo I had so I can't regret that.

I was prepared to walk away if the proposal wasn't forthcoming. Now I need to see if he actually meant it.

LaQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 18:24:09

Del I lived with DH (then DP) for nearly 10 years, but no DCs. All that time, he was very vague about us getting married. It was so frustrating, because when we first met he was more keen than me to get engaged, but then he changed. I pushed and probed, and we argued, but he wouldn't propose.

In the end, I turned 30 and thought enough is enough. Had one last heart2heart with DP, who yet again infered he wasn't bothered about marriage now, if ever...

So, it broke my heart, but I packed my bags and left him. Within 2 months he realised he'd made a huge mistake. Showered me with flowers, romantic weekends away, swore he'd love me for always and forever, and he proposed. Twice smile

I turned him down flat. Both times shock I wasn't that easy. I made him wait, and prove he meant every word he said. I finally accepted his third proposal, and we got married 5 months later. Been very happily married for 11 years now, with 2 DDs smile

I took a huge gamble. And I walked away from our 10 year relationship assuming I'd never see him again. But staying with him, in such uncertain circumstances, feeling that he didn't value my hopes and dreams, was just untenable for me.

thequeenmary Fri 21-Jun-13 18:15:30

If I was being very cynical, I might think that he isn't moving quickly with the marriage thing because he has no incentive to do so. You already live together and have children. He doesn't feel there's a risk of losing you. If he marries you, he will be much more financially vulnerable in the event of you splitting up. It's good that your name is on the deeds. I hope I'm just being cynical and he's not just trying to protect himself financially, but I have heard blokes at work saying there's no need for them to marry their partners because as it is they have all of the benefits and none of the liability.

Hope your chat goes well.

DontmindifIdo Fri 21-Jun-13 18:15:11

oh dear lord, is this just an elaborate ruse to get you to say you'll do all the work for the wedding and will be happy with a much smaller budget than if he'd shown he was actually interested in getting married.

Strong talking too, does he want to get married, yes or no? If no, what the fuck was he doing messing with you by asking? If yes, then it will need to be organised and paid for, you expect to get married sooner rather htan later and does he want to talk budget and what sort of day he'd want, or does he just want to leave it to you?

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 18:09:44

Agree completely LaQueen. Unless a date is set I won't consider myself engaged. Have made it very clear I don't do long enagagements.

Will have the chat this weekend and report back!

LaQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 18:01:07

I managed to organise a big, white wedding in less than 5 months. I can be done, no sweat.

And, OP if your DP really genuinely isn't that bothered about marriage, but truly loves you and knows it would make you really happy...then he should be happy to marry you, anyway.

LaQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 17:59:08

Oh dear...I very strongly suspect he's fobbing you off...he's held off this long, about getting engaged, but has probably judged that he finally needs to make some gesture, to keep you quiet happy.

So, he's bitten the bullet and proposed...hoping that will pour oil on troubled waters for a goodly while.

It's happened with a couple of friends we know. Very long term engaged, with no wedding in sight. I really, really don't see the point? Being engaged isn't a state, in and of itself. You are engaged to be married.

And, if there isn't a marriage/wedding anywhere on the horizon, then the engagement is completely meaningless.

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 17:47:44

Ha! I like that idea!

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 21-Jun-13 17:32:49

I know someone who got married in her lunch break!

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 17:31:50

Yes my name is on the house deeds. I doubt it about the pension. I also told him a while ago that if he died then any money from the house would not necessarily go to me or the boys but the government would get most of it. He seemed shocked by that.

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 17:29:35

Thanks all. We are going to talk this weekend but he says he is willing to set a date for next year now. I said I didn't want a long engagement and why doesn't he wait till he is ready to marry me before asking? I think a good old chat about what we both want and when will be a good thing.

He wasn't actually drunk when he proposed and said he had been thinking about it for a while. I think the things that are putting him off are the cost and maybe the organising of it.

What you all (thank you) have made me realise is how financially vulnerable I am so if a date is not set for next year for whatever reason then I will be seeing a solicitor quick smart.

spillows Fri 21-Jun-13 16:07:00

Take heart, Delatron I literally forced DP to marry me. I made him agree to it, then frogmarched him to get the ring, organised the whole wedding without any contribution (it took me 1 month). He just paid for stuff. Then he started to get a little keener about the details, and spent the whole day with a big grin on his face. Loved it. Loves being married grin.

He was most fearful of the formality of the ceremony, thought he'd look stupid etc. Actually the register office was the bit he enjoyed best.

I don't think you can judge the whole health of the relationship on this. Lots of men don't like weddings and shy away from them.

ParadiseChick Fri 21-Jun-13 13:55:51

Don't have a proper for at him. Try talking?

Sallyingforth Fri 21-Jun-13 13:48:17

It sounds to me like the proposal was a spur-of-the-moment thing and he is now regretting it. Was he drunk feeling merry at the time?

raisah Fri 21-Jun-13 13:44:50

It doesnt take ages to organise a weddinf; my bil did it in 6 weeks. How would he react if yiu suggested a registry office and a small reception at a hall/hotel or restaurant withour the mad OTT trimmings. It seems to me that you just want to get married to be his official wife s whereas he seems to be overwhelmed by the cost of it all. Thats probably why he is so reluctant to set a date.

runes Fri 21-Jun-13 13:44:45

He doesn't have to be into weddings, but he should be into making the op happy. I think it's sad that the op got all excited only to have him wreck it with his shitty attitude. Why bother proposing lf he can't commit to some real plans, unless, as some other posters have suggested, he was being disingenuous and had no intention of actually following the proposal with a wedding. I think he's a twat if he doesn't realise the effect his attitude will have on their relationship. The op already feels things are tainted sad.

Fairyegg Fri 21-Jun-13 13:38:19

I presume your name is on the house deeds, he has sorted his pension out so that it will be paid to you In the event of his death (realise Not every pension scheme allows this without marriage but lots do), his life insurance is set so it will leave house to you Mortage free and you have made wills? If not why not? Or perhaps that's a separate thread altogether.

OhCobblers Fri 21-Jun-13 13:31:40

As hard as it probably is to hear, I agree with every word karmabeliever just said.
How disappointing for you OP after all this time. You do need to have a sit down and a very thorough conversation to get this sorted in your own head once and for all. I believe you've waited long enough. Good luck.

Fairyegg Fri 21-Jun-13 13:30:22

I don' t think your dps reaction is uncommon, most men just aren't that into weddings. Have you actually discussed what he wants, type Of venue, number of people, how much he expects it to cost etc? He probably doesn't realise how quickly venues etc can get booked, but equally maybe you have panicked him by being super excited and buying wedding mags, talking about it a lot etc? Or maybe he really does want a big expensive wedding but wants to spend the next 7 years saving for it? Until you actually talk to him your not going to know. Regardless, planning a wedding is all about compromise. I worry over the fact you say your prepared to leave him over this. Doesn't make for a great start IMO.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 21-Jun-13 13:29:28

^ what Karma said. Show him that post if he refuses to set a date in the near future.

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