AIBU to call off the wedding?

(61 Posts)
Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 11:07:54

So, after 7 years together and 2 kids DP finally proposed last weekend.
Cue much excitement from me, I obviously wanted to discuss venues, dates etc. Now DP is refusing to set a date. I immediately said next September would be perfect, he keeps making jokes about waiting for a few years, won't discuss venues etc.

I don't want to turn in to a bridezilla but I have been waiting a long time for this and I am 37. I don't agree with long engagements. What's the point in agreeing to get married then waiting for years? I also know venues get booked up quickly so would need to start looking soon for next year.

So AIBU to say unless he actually agrees on a date and agrees to discuss venues then we may as well call it off?

LaQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 18:01:07

I managed to organise a big, white wedding in less than 5 months. I can be done, no sweat.

And, OP if your DP really genuinely isn't that bothered about marriage, but truly loves you and knows it would make you really happy...then he should be happy to marry you, anyway.

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 18:09:44

Agree completely LaQueen. Unless a date is set I won't consider myself engaged. Have made it very clear I don't do long enagagements.

Will have the chat this weekend and report back!

DontmindifIdo Fri 21-Jun-13 18:15:11

oh dear lord, is this just an elaborate ruse to get you to say you'll do all the work for the wedding and will be happy with a much smaller budget than if he'd shown he was actually interested in getting married.

Strong talking too, does he want to get married, yes or no? If no, what the fuck was he doing messing with you by asking? If yes, then it will need to be organised and paid for, you expect to get married sooner rather htan later and does he want to talk budget and what sort of day he'd want, or does he just want to leave it to you?

thequeenmary Fri 21-Jun-13 18:15:30

If I was being very cynical, I might think that he isn't moving quickly with the marriage thing because he has no incentive to do so. You already live together and have children. He doesn't feel there's a risk of losing you. If he marries you, he will be much more financially vulnerable in the event of you splitting up. It's good that your name is on the deeds. I hope I'm just being cynical and he's not just trying to protect himself financially, but I have heard blokes at work saying there's no need for them to marry their partners because as it is they have all of the benefits and none of the liability.

Hope your chat goes well.

LaQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 18:24:09

Del I lived with DH (then DP) for nearly 10 years, but no DCs. All that time, he was very vague about us getting married. It was so frustrating, because when we first met he was more keen than me to get engaged, but then he changed. I pushed and probed, and we argued, but he wouldn't propose.

In the end, I turned 30 and thought enough is enough. Had one last heart2heart with DP, who yet again infered he wasn't bothered about marriage now, if ever...

So, it broke my heart, but I packed my bags and left him. Within 2 months he realised he'd made a huge mistake. Showered me with flowers, romantic weekends away, swore he'd love me for always and forever, and he proposed. Twice smile

I turned him down flat. Both times shock I wasn't that easy. I made him wait, and prove he meant every word he said. I finally accepted his third proposal, and we got married 5 months later. Been very happily married for 11 years now, with 2 DDs smile

I took a huge gamble. And I walked away from our 10 year relationship assuming I'd never see him again. But staying with him, in such uncertain circumstances, feeling that he didn't value my hopes and dreams, was just untenable for me.

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 18:37:06

Ah LaQueen, I'm glad that story had a happy ending. It's hard, in a way I should have said marriage before kids but then if I had done that I think I would have ended up being unable to have any kids due to the subsequent chemo I had so I can't regret that.

I was prepared to walk away if the proposal wasn't forthcoming. Now I need to see if he actually meant it.

Timetoask Fri 21-Jun-13 18:42:33

We were engaged for 6 months. I don't see the point of long engagements either.

Dozer Fri 21-Jun-13 18:54:27

Yanbu. You can sort out the financial security straightaway at low cost through legal agreements.

ParadiseChick Fri 21-Jun-13 18:56:31

We had a long engagement, 4 years, as we were 19 when we got snagged, after a year together, and knew we wanted to finish study, buy a house etc before spending on a wedding. Throw in a baby and it took us 4 years to get round to the wedding.

josephinebruce Fri 21-Jun-13 19:03:42

Be careful that he doesn't end up resenting you because he feels you've forced him into marriage. Then you're looking at a divorce and that is not, my any means, cheap - and women can come off worse even when there's children.

Didactylos Fri 21-Jun-13 19:04:39

I just got married to DP recently after a long engagement - life and kids got in the road but initially he had dragged his heels a bit. When we finally had time and money to sit down and plan something it was a bit of an odd conversation, and we just couldnt plan anything - we had to really work out why we were getting married.

The difference to my mind is that after a long time and kids its not what the traditional ceremony is about eg romantic aspirational promising something new to each other, but more about a celebration of what you have already and a committment to the future. We were always going to be married for legal/citizenship reasons but I think we both really valued being forced into a few conversations about what we had and where we saw ourselves going. It was kind of odd to create a ceremony around 'weve enjoyed sauntering along in the same direction so far, and wed like you all to know its going to continue' but we did it in 8mths and had a great childfriendly rowdy multicultural party that was enjoyed by all

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