Overseas wedding, considering cancelling - AIBU??

(85 Posts)
bonbonpixie Wed 19-Jun-13 00:46:41

So DH, DD and I are off to Australia for 5 weeks later this year. We made the decision to go to coincide with a really good (ha!) and old friends of mine wedding. As it happens my father lives in Melbourne and DH has many friends in Sydney but the wedding is being held in Brisbane, a city which I'm sorry to say I've never warmed too- so we'd not be going anywhere near it, if not for this wedding. The Bride and I have been friends for 15 years, since meeting at school and even although she moved back to Australia 5 years into the friendship we made a huge effort to see each other over the years. We went traveling together, and holidayed all over the place together. So pretty close. She was a bridesmaid at my own wedding. However in the last few years life has understandably taken over. Career, mortgages, babies (me) so I don't have the time to go galavanting off like we used to. I haven't physically seen her for three years, but we still chat, text etc. Her fiancé and I have never met. Also DD will be 16 months when we arrive.

Anyway so as the wedding date approaches we receive our invite. So......the ceremony doesn't begin until afternoon 2:30 and then.... It's a cocktail reception at a hotel bar from 7. No meal. No food being served of any kind. I must admit when I read this I was a bit disappointed. As we would have to find a restaurant nearby to feed DD (and ourselves) as the hotel they are using doesn't have one!?
Today however she told me they are having a meal but its only for the wedding party and if this wasn't insulting enough she has texted me that the hotel cocktail bar, where there reception is being held, has a no child policy!!!

I am so angry with her. Essentially we are only invited for an hour and half ceremony. I am stunned. In her text she said that she still wants us to spend a week before the wedding in Brisbane so I can attend her bachelorette party and generally catch up. But DH thinks that if she doesn't want us at the meal and as its impossible really to go to the cocktail reception then we should fly from Sydney in the morning and leave the next day? Would doing this make me a terrible person?
I know it's her wedding and she can do whatever she chooses but she knows that if it wasn't for her wedding we would be doing this trip at Christmas so DD could spend it with my family. As it stands we have just taken on a huge restoration property and will not have the money to do a Christmas trip for a few years.

Also it isn't a child free wedding at all. As I understand it, lots of children will be in attendance. She will be having 2 flower girls under the age of 3 (not family). The wedding is a small one 40 people maybe. It's not a money issue as their honeymoon is lavish.

I guess I'm really upset because I thought out friendship meant more to her, and if it was just me going I would do it her way. But I have DH and DD to consider and it's their holiday too. If we do just fly in for the ceremony I have no idea how to tell her without making it very obvious that I'm upset- help!!

HooverFairy Wed 19-Jun-13 14:35:35

So, the people with children are local and will attend the ceremony and meal. Then they will take the children home so that they can either come back for the party or stay at home with their children? Why can't she make this arrangement for you? Your husband could look after your little one on the night, back at the hotel.

Your 'friend' sounds like a selfish cow tbh, I wouldn't go at all. She's expecting you to make all the effort and attend the ceremony only, she should have invited you to the meal if she cared that you were there. She knows you may not make the party on the night because it's not child friendly and she's still taking the risk of barely seeing you on the day. I don't think she cares at all, if you go for the week before I don't think your friendship will survive. She'll be too busy to see you and this will exacerbate the situation.

She has had zero thought, you sound like a great friend travelling all that way for her. Cut your losses, and tell her the truth about why you aren't going.

neunundneunzigluftballons Wed 19-Jun-13 16:51:46

She is a very selfish person. I would not go. Wish her luck, send her a present and enjoy your holiday.

expatinscotland Wed 19-Jun-13 18:41:34

'I just don't know how she is going to take it. I love her but she does have a tendency to be a bit shallow and self centred - I just know that she will think that she is the wronged party'

Who cares? A real friend wouldn't treat another one like this, childfree or no.

Save your money, send her a card and move on.

expatinscotland Wed 19-Jun-13 18:43:49

I wouldn't leave my 16-month-old with relatives to travel 600 miles to anyone's wedding, much less for a ceremony and a fucking cocktail party 5 hours later.

Viviennemary Wed 19-Jun-13 18:54:08

I don't think I'd bother with the wedding. If you are invited to a wedding it's usual that there is a meal or buffet unless the invitation says evening only. I think it is usually assumed that people travelling a good distance (like Australia!!!) would be invited to the wedding meal.

expatinscotland Wed 19-Jun-13 19:08:17

And yeah, I'd go at Christmas as you planned. Get some sun and recharge whilst we slip and slide around here.

Change your tickets. NOW.

raisah Wed 19-Jun-13 19:12:24

How very rude, peöple have lost the skill of hospitality and good manners. aAs a host your duty is to care for your guests and this means providing food and drink. In certain cultures having an A and B guest liat, charging guests to pay for their own meals so couples can spend a few grand on dresses & cars. All for show but with little substance & no manners. I wouldnt spend any money to attend that wedding which would inconvenience me & my family. Spend the money having a fab holiday instead.

JassyRadlett Wed 19-Jun-13 20:15:28

Another Australian here who can't get over how rude their arrangements are. I'd think it was pretty rude in Australia, to be honest.

I married my (English) husband in London and my mother was aghast that it wasn't standard for guests to get a choice of meal, let alone the concept of evening guests. So we didn't have evening guests - being Australian, to me if you're important enough to me to be at my wedding you're important enough to be at the whole thing. If that meant affordability was an issue, we'd have scales back our plans to enable us to pay for it.

We had about 25 people come out from Australia for the wedding, which I was touched and thrilled about. We treated them like absolute royalty because they'd come so far and made sacrifices to be there. I can't believe how shabbily your friend is treating you.

ChasedByBees Wed 19-Jun-13 21:13:50

Totally with expat and others - I would absolutely cancel going. Yes, she might know you're upset, but you are, with good reason!

ThePinkOcelot Wed 19-Jun-13 22:12:05

I wouldn't go OP! Just tell her, on reflection it just doesn't work for you! I think she's being extremely thoughtless in all of this tbh. Its a hell of a lot of money to spend to go to 2/3 of a wedding! Change your flights and go visit family when you want to go visit family - at Christmas.

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