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AIBU?

To be disappointed in my dp re Nigella Lawson?

91 replies

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 20:25

I told my dp about what happened to Nigella Lawson via email and said how horrible and abusive her husband is and he should be arrested.

My dp's response:

'But without knowing why he grabbed her by the throat how can you judge? It is terrible but if she did something terrible for him to grab her? What if she told him she had been having an affair?'

'I'm sure they didn't sit down, order food then all of a sudden he reaches over and grabs her by the throat, if he did that's awful, but what if she really pissed him off?

'Violence is a terrible thing but sometimes it is warranted, regardless of who it comes from'

Confused Confused :(

I was pretty speechless tbh and still hours later I feel really upset. Of course I said you NEVER put your hands on someone, no matter what they say or do. I'm just shocked he thinks like this.

WHBU?

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LifeofPo · 16/06/2013 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GemmaTeller · 16/06/2013 20:28

Your DH is def BU.

I told my DH and he was shocked, he said there is no excuse ever to behave like that.

Shame on Charles Sacchi

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CaptainKirksNipples · 16/06/2013 20:28

He is being unreasonable. And a bit cuntish.

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Northernlurker · 16/06/2013 20:28

No you're not being unreasonable. If I were you I think I would be saying again that his view is unacceptable and if he ever lays a finger on you - 'provoked' or not then you will ask him to leave. Violence is a terrible thing. That's the end of the sentence.

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Salmotrutta · 16/06/2013 20:28

Your DPs response speaks volumes about him.

How on earth can violence ever be "warranted"?? Hmm

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diddl · 16/06/2013 20:30

Sometimes violence is warranted?

Bloody hell!

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Madamecastafiore · 16/06/2013 20:30

DH said he would have intervened. He was shocked that no one did and said it made him feel extremely sad!

That us what I would expect from anyone.

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GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 20:31

It's made me a bit worried tbh :(

I said, so if I said something you didnt like is it ok to strangle me? He said 'No. There should be no violence regardless of where it takes place. But there will be times when people feel the need to react and to say they're wrong without knowing why they did it is unwise'

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ParadiseChick · 16/06/2013 20:31

Gosh I had no idea this has happened.

He is being unreasonable.

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ImperialBlether · 16/06/2013 20:31

LifeOfPo is right. Sorry, OP, but your husband is an idiot.

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carabos · 16/06/2013 20:31

Dh's response was "didn't anyone try to stop him?".

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GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 20:32

Me too madame

We are polar opposites here and it's made me really upset.

My brother tried to make me feel better by saying people don't always agree on things. But to me, this is a pretty big thing.

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SirBoobAlot · 16/06/2013 20:32

Honestly? I would no longer feel safe with someone who has basically just said that one day, you might do something when he feels it's okay to wrap his hands around your throat.

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Panzee · 16/06/2013 20:33

My dad who is a dinosaur in many ways declared that Saatchi needed "a kicking" for that behaviour. I thought he was ace for saying that. (Yes I know it's violence but like I said my dad can be a dinosaur :o )

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pumpkinsweetie · 16/06/2013 20:35

Jeez red flags would be flying if my dh said what yours has.
No-one should be grabbed by the throat for any reason!!!

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WeleaseWodger · 16/06/2013 20:36

I'd just as casually add that if it were you, would call the police on anyone who tried that - including your father or your husband - and would feel no guilt for the criminal record, possible loss of job etc fallout in his life. Make him aware where your line in the sand is.

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raisah · 16/06/2013 20:38

unfortunately your dps virws are q common, people of all age ranges do think that dv is acceptable if provoked. If Charles Scaatchi had attempted to strangle anybody else, people would have.intervened & called the police but they didnt because it was his wife. Regardless of the relationship between the two people involved, a criminal act took place & should be treated as such.

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ArthurCucumber · 16/06/2013 20:40

Christ, that is actually scary. He has basically said that if a woman - you, for example, told your dp that (let's say) you wanted to end the relationship, he might consider that to be a "terrible thing". And if a woman tells her husband a "terrible thing", then violence against her is "warranted".

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iklboo · 16/06/2013 20:43

Ah, yes. The 'she asked for it' defence. Up there with 'it's her own fault, she was winding me up'. Hmm

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PrettyKitty1986 · 16/06/2013 20:44

Tbh the first paragraph I completely agree with.

God knows what would happen if everyone was judged on one snapshot of their lives. Violence is not acceptable but nor are many things. And mitigating circumstances can exist.

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dreamingbohemian · 16/06/2013 20:44

How long have you been with him?

I would also see this as a pretty big red flag tbh.

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GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 20:48

To be honest I'm not surprised. Thinking about it, he was brought up by a abusive and mentally ill mother who he had physical fights with up until his twenties. She would provoke him very badly where he would have to restrain her.
His father wasn't around that much. I guess it's had a lasting effect. I'm not making excuses as I'm really upset but can see reasons why he thinks like this.
He also said why is it ok for women to hit men but not the other way? I said domestic or any violence is never ok.

Nobody taught him these things I guess :(

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BaconKetchup · 16/06/2013 20:49

This reminds me of a while ago when I made a reference in passing to Chris Brown and how awfully he behaved and my friend (young, female) replied 'well you don't know both sides or the whole story, maybe she was being a bitch or something'

Attitudes like this are more common than we would hope Sad

YANBU

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GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 20:49

PrettyKitty I agreed with him up until the word judge in the first paragraph.

Been together 4 years and have a ds

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GirlWiththeLionHeart · 16/06/2013 20:50

If he thinks he's sprouting this shit to my son he's got another thing coming.

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