AIBU to want a near-death experience?

[DriftingThroughLife]

Morning MN,

I know this AIBU is odd and I promis I'm not insane but for the past 2 years or so I've been feeling like I'm floating through my life, not really living - just existing. I don't think I'm depressed because objectively I have nothing to be depressed about. It's more like this curious detached feeling from the world, it is so surreal I don't think I can put it into words, I just feel like I'm not part of the living breathing world anymore. Like my 'body' is going through the motions of life as usual but 'I' am not there....does that even make sense? haha :)

WIBU to want a near-death experience to make me feel truly alive again and to bring my 'body' and 'me' in sync and together again? I feel that a near-death experience will make me grateful for this gift of life that I have and I will start to live again.

Gosh, it sounds quite mad reading this to myself.

[JemimaPuddle]

I've no experience of this at all. I am pretty sure you can become depressed without any obvious cause.
Maybe an appointment with your GP would be a good idea?

[TweenageAngst]

The thing with depression is you don't necessarily need something to be depressed about. Detachment from life is a really common symptom. It sounds like you need a trip to the gp and maybe some talking therapy rather than a bright light at the end of a tunnel and 200joules of defibrillation across your chest.
I hope you get it sorted. I remember that feeling of drifting very well x

[JustinBsMum]

Go into your nearest hospital at visiting time and wander up and down the surgical wards pretending to be looking for someone. There should be enough sad and ill people about to put a better spin on your own life.

[thetrackisback]

You sound quite severely depressed to me and you don't need a reason to be depressed and it can happen to the best of us. Firstly you need to go to the doctor. I think you need to tell them everything. I would suggest a anti depressant (because you sound very depressed) and some cbt or counselling to start setting you goals to getting a life. Please don't ignore this.

[exoticfruits]

I think it sounds like depression and I would see a GP.

[DriftingThroughLife]

I am considering seeing a GP, but I'm quite intimidated by my one. He is a stern, strict unfeeling man and I would feel uncomfortable discussing these things with him.
thetrackisback I'm scared of antidepressants, I know women who have been on them for literally years.

JustinBsMum - That's true, I am so lucky to have my (physical) health.

The thing is, I am in a bubble of numbness- I just want to feel something, anything. Fear, excitement, pain, happiness, lust. Anything would be better than this complete apathy I feel now and I don't know how medication would help with that.

Tweenage What did you do about it? :)

[cory]

Definitely see a doctor: detachment is a classic symptom of depression. And depression is an illness: if you have it you don't need another cause to feel ill, any more than you need an external cause (too many blankets, too much sun) to feel hot and irritable if you have measles.

[OrangeFireandGoldashes]

Please don't be frightened of antidepressants. Non-reactive depression can often be a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain and the right anti-d can correct that. If you were diagnosed with asthma would you refuse to take an inhaler, or be reluctant to take insulin if you developed diabetes? It's exactly the same principle.

Is there another GP at the practice you can see?

It can be a huge step, accepting you need help and treatment as there is (wrongly) still such a stigma around depression and mental health, so well done for acknowledging you need to do something to change your present state.

[exoticfruits]

I would try and see a other doctor in the practice, if possible.

[RoooneyMara]

Often I think people who are unable to feel are in that state because they fear their feelings will overwhelm them.

Are you aware of a history of abuse in your life? I know someone who never could feel anything much till her mid thirties. Then she realised she had been a victim of serious abuse as a child.

All her memories had been blocked out and her feelings stopped. Things improved when she had some therapy but it was very very hard.

[WinterWinds]

Yes have to agree with everyone else, go see a doctor.
If you are not comfortable with your own GP request another.

There's no reason to be scared of Anti depressants. I was on them a good few years ago and they were my lifeline. I only needed them for 8 months and seriously I have never looked back. I just wished that I had gone to the doctor sooner.

You don't need to feel like this.

[WafflyVersatile]

If you don't like your doctor try to find another.

It probably is worth having a chat with one about how you feel.

In the meantime maybe a trip to Alton Towers. that's what rollercoasters are all about.

[Kittenkatzen]

Obviously I'm not qualified to diagnose anything but this sounds very very much like something someone very close to me has suffered with as a result of a traumatic childhood/adolescence. He really struggled to get a proper diagnosis, but the other ladies here are right it is a form of depression and anti-d's may help (in his case citalopram) so you should see your doctor if you can.

He also wanted me to recommend two books that he found really helpful, both in the beginning and now (he's been off the anti-d's a few years now but still feels like this when highly stressed):

Feeling Unreal by Daphne Simeon

and

Overcoming Depersonalization Disorder (by someone else who's name I can't remember now but Daphne Simeon did a foreword for it)

Hope that helps some OP and you feel better soon

[WMittens]

I would say I have similar sensations to life, although I also experience suicidal ideation; I don't regard myself as suffering from depression.

Definitely go to see someone as whatever else, it's evident you want to change how you feel.

In terms of experiences, go seek some thrills - I can vouch that a parachute jump really wakes you up.

[dopeysheep]

I was going to suggest a Shamanic experience in a desert where you search for your true spirit.

I think other suggestions may be more practical but I am actually serious about the desert trip. You need healing either way.

[TheMagicKeyCanFuckOff]

Would you feel better if you did something which was kind of good? When I felt depressed I needed to feel alive but I also felt like I was bad ifyswim. Like being detached....at least I wasn't fully myself.

Skydiving?
Abseiling?
Coasteering (cliff diving- it's very safe, don't worry)?

See your GP too, find a different one if you need to. This isn't right. This isn't normal. You might want a thrill, and it's good to get a thrill, but when I went to counselling...life became my thrill.

[DriftingThroughLife]

You guys it is so kind of you all to respond to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Rooney, I'm pretty sure I wasn't abused, when I think of my childhood I get mostly happy memories.

Dopeysheep I have never heard of shamanic healing. I googled and got this

Shamanic therapy holds strong to the holistic tenant that ill people must recognize their own healing powers as it's the person who heals him/herself, not the shaman or doctor. A Shamanic session treats ailments by mending the soul Sounds very interesting if it is a legitimate thing.

Thank you for the recommendations kitten I never realized that what I'm feeling actually has a name, it is a bit comforting to know I'm not slowly losing my mind.

[DriftingThroughLife]

Magickey, I know precisely how that feels. The suggestions of things to thrill me are fantastic but like you say, I want life to become my thrill.

[VivaLeBeaver]

I'd agree about seeing the Dr.

I've looked after enough people who have had near death experiences and ime if anything it makes them depressed/post traumatic stress. So if you are depressed it might make things worse.

How about an adrenalin sport hobby like rock climbing?

[ParadiseChick]

Oh darling it does sound like that you might be unwell. Depression isn't always circumstantial, it's chemical.

[QueenStromba]

You definitely sound depressed to me. The best advice I can give you is to ring up your surgery and ask for an appointment with the doctor who is best for mental health. The first doctor I saw at my surgery after moving from one where I was treated very well for my depression was absolutely terrible - I actually had to walk out because he was upsetting me so much. My DP rang up and asked for a new appointment with a doctor who was good with mental health and she was absolutely lovely. It takes weeks to get an appointment with her but I always wait to see her unless it's something urgent.

[QueenStromba]

And FWIW, I had a near death experience a few years ago - even if it does make you appreciate the life you have the effects only last a few months.

[SugarandSpice126]

This sounds like classic depression to me. It's a common misconception that you have to have a big 'reason' to be depressed. You don't - sometimes it just happens. The feelings you describe of being numb is one of the most common in depressed people.

I would try and find a GP you're comfortable with, and talk about it. Google for more information on depression and make yourself aware of various treatments and ways of improving your mood.

[FasterStronger]

drift - you sound to me like you want life to be more exciting. your idea of the near death experience sounds like you want a quick fix - and we would all like that (!) but it would work? I am not convinced.

I came somewhat close to dying when travelling many years ago and afterwards was just glad I did not feel so dreadful. it was interesting (I started to hallucinate due to dehydration) and was not bothered if I died (which was interesting in itself). I did not have any moisture left all the way down my throat down into my ribcage etc. so I could feel body parts differently than normal....

so it was an interesting physical experience and I am much less afraid of death (I think for many people your body prepares your brain) but it was not profound in any way.

for me the most life affirming thing is to go outside your comfort zone - stretch yourself. then over a few months you can see how you have grown from it.

[specialsubject]

find a different doctor and get a checkup and a mental health referral.

trying to kill yourself to see what happens can be an end to all your problems - and not in the way you want. Please don't do this to your family.

no shame in being ill. Good luck with your treatment.