Engagement ring

(174 Posts)
wannabeawallaby Fri 14-Jun-13 22:58:32

DP just isn't interested in shopping for an 'engagement' ring. I suggested we go shopping together and he let out a huge sigh. Obvious he's not interested. I never insist he comes shopping if I'm buying clothes and stuff. He hates it so I wouldn't put him through it! I hate browsing in computer shops with him so I don't do that either.

We won't be announcing an engagement, we've just agreed to get married (which we'll likely do on our own for minimal cost in a registry office) but I'd love a nice ring and he's up for that but just not the shopping for it bit. I haven't had a romantic proposal (that's fine) and we won't be doing any of that other stuff. Am I being unreasonable in thinking DP could at least fake interest in us buying a ring together? Choosing and going to buy one on my own just feels shit!

But I think I might be acting like a spoilt princess.

He also isn't that interested in having a getting married celebration party (ie drinks in the pub with some friends) which I'd really like but that's a whole other AIBU...

So AIBU thinking the ring should be a joint thing?

wannabeawallaby Fri 14-Jun-13 23:54:07

AThing - it's not a refusal. If I said 'right, hatton garden on Saturday?' he'd prob say 'great'. Maybe I am expecting too much that he be the one to drive it forward!

This is all very useful by the way, making me think things through! I think my head is a bit of a muddle (which is very normal for me)

A family ring would be lovely but there isn't that option sadly.

squoosh Fri 14-Jun-13 23:56:03

It's not about the outward gifts, the ring is going to be bought regardless. It's about him not being bothered.

ExcuseTypos Fri 14-Jun-13 23:56:07

If it means a lot to you, of course he should come with you. If he cares about you he will do it.

AlbertoFrog Fri 14-Jun-13 23:57:23

I chose and bought my own ring. DH paid the credit card bill.

Dh was and still is totally unromantic but he doesn't pretend to be anything else and I knew exactly what I was getting. Fortunately I'm not romantic either. I'm the one who forgot our 1st wedding anniversary blush

15 years on and he sometimes surprises me with flowers but at the end of the day it's the little things that count e.g. I never have to put the bins out grin

Good luck OP.

scottishmummy Fri 14-Jun-13 23:57:36

so chose some venues,look rings,nice lunch.job done
rings,engagement etiquette it's not important,the genuineness of his intention matters
so what if you and have have relaxed day,you chose,you pick

AThingInYourLife Fri 14-Jun-13 23:59:01

It's his overall lack of enthusiasm for any of it that would bother me.

I doubt we would have bothered with an engagement ring if there hadn't been a free one easily available.

But we were still excited about getting married and had a really great wedding.

olathelawyer05 Sat 15-Jun-13 00:01:12

Maybe it's time for bed, but I'm still trying to get my head around what the OP's issue is.

Is it that he won't come with you?....

Or is it that he won't buy you a ring?

Casmama Sat 15-Jun-13 00:02:12

I agree with some of the others- please think very carefully about his enthusiasm for any aspect of this wedding. He seems to want to do it as quietly and with as little fuss as possible.
How do you feel about that?

TheDoctrineOfAllan Sat 15-Jun-13 00:02:29

Aww, yep, just say "Hatton gardens on Saturday?", that sounds lovely smile

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 15-Jun-13 00:02:52

No SM. You're too hung up on this being a thing that costs. It's not about the ring or material goods at all. It's about the emotional intelligence to know that sometimes your partner will have a need that you may noy understand or even agree with but if it's relatively harmless and important to them, you can put your own views aside for the moment and do the thing that makes them happy because it's important to them.

That doesn't have to be stuff you pay money for. But I worry that this bloke won't put himself out to make a woman he says he wants to marry happy. She's not making unreasonable demands around cost etc. She just wants his time and effort really. If he's not prepared to give that now, then what about later?

scottishmummy Sat 15-Jun-13 00:03:35

I have no interest in weddings,rings,dresses.id hate to feel compelled to act bridey
my lack of interest in weddings,engagements isnt indicative of how I feel about relationship
I just dont have interest in engagements.and no I'm not well jel of anyone engaged

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 15-Jun-13 00:05:32

I didn't think you were jealous! grin

TiggerWearsATriteSmile Sat 15-Jun-13 00:08:20

squoosh bad cess is right.

I had to read your post twice just to make sure I wasn't in a different forum!!

OP, don't go shopping for your own ring. If its important to you he should get off his hairy arse and feign enthusiasm. You're supposed to be his future wife.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 15-Jun-13 00:08:27

And I didn't get engaged and had the cheapest of cheap weddings. If this was a man who really understood the impotance of being married as opposed to getting married (a favourite gripe of mine in these days of second mortage weddings) then I wouln't have a concern but OP isn't really giving us this picture. He just sounds like a bloke who can't be arsed.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 15-Jun-13 00:09:02

Importance not impotance lol

scottishmummy Sat 15-Jun-13 00:09:50

no.as op says its not a refusal to participate he's just not shopper
her dp is being judged on not trotting along to jeweller like a good boy
if he nodded obligingly and faked interest in shopping he'd be judged a good un

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 15-Jun-13 00:11:33

I would hope she'd have the judgment to see through that tbh

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 15-Jun-13 00:12:18

And if you love someone, seeing them happy lights you up, no?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 15-Jun-13 00:13:49

Oh no... I'm about to quote Shakespeare.. time for bed grin

Godd luck op.

wannabeawallaby Sat 15-Jun-13 00:15:12

Lets - he couldn't care less about the getting married (the wedding [ he would hate hate hate it, the being the centre of attention etc as would I ] ). He totally gets the being married bit! We want to be together forever. The whole getting married bit stemmed from wanting security for our future DCs and each other.

I never even thought I'd want to wear a wedding ring. This suddenly wanting a nice ring is alien to me. But now I want it I want him to want it too. I think part of me worries I'll look back and feel sad for us just getting on with things and tying up the legal bits and forgetting the romance. Reading that sentence back maybe I am being a BU. I've suddenly decided him being interested in something that hasn't ever been that serious to me, is important.

wannabeawallaby Sat 15-Jun-13 00:16:07

Go on quote Shakespeare! grin

scottishmummy Sat 15-Jun-13 00:17:26

if I loved someone who didn't like shopping I'd intuitively not compel him to shop
if we are going for. all the eq shite,one would know not to impose own preference
one Would be happy to elicit genuine response,rather than forced socially acceptable good fiancé looking at ring act

gail734 Sat 15-Jun-13 00:17:52

I agree with pigsmummy. Do a research visit to your chosen jeweller, narrow it down to three, then DP can be in and out in 15 mins..

AThingInYourLife Sat 15-Jun-13 00:20:15

I'm not a shopper.

I loathe shopping.

DH is brilliant at shopping.

If he wanted me to go shopping for something with him, I would go.

Particularly if the thing in question was in some way symbolic of our love.

I can understand not having an engagement ring at all.

I can't understand leaving your fiancée to buy her own because you can't be arsed.

I went engagement ring shopping with my brother FFS and helped him pick a ring for SIL.

I was really pleased to be asked. And no way would I have said "nah, pick your own. I hate shopping."

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 15-Jun-13 00:22:32

And you must follow your gut Wannabe but do make sure he knows where you're at as even the best of us is not a mind reader.

There are things in a marriage that cause wedges. Things you don't handle well, don't communicate about and don't deal with. But they stay there, driving a wedge. How about sitting him down and telling him what you said in your second paragraph?

And we all deserve a little romance - him as well as you. Itr's not just for other people. It's fun and it's glue to keep a couple together-whatever form it takes for that couple.

I once read from Rowan Pelling (I Know) that your husband or wife should be nothing less than the deepest and most desperate heart's desire. I thought it was tosh at the time.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Have you though about waiting for civil partnerships to be available to all?

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