To think that I am NOT in the wrong ('he said, she said' type of thing)

(68 Posts)
dufflefluffle Fri 14-Jun-13 09:58:52

Yesterday was hectic. Visitors arriving and I was ferrying them to and from the train station all day (or so it felt) then I cooked two separate dinners, chatted and entertained (all ages from 3 up) and cleaned up. I said to DH I'm off to bed now (he came in during dinner, sat down and ate, went out for a while then came back and watched tv) and went upstairs. I popped back downstairs to put laundry in the machine and while I was doing so he jumped up saying I'm off to bed, you lock up (not a big deal: just checking all doors, turning off lights but I hate doing it at the best of times). I said: No, you do it - I've already gone to bed. He got right in my face and said "F* you several times, I F***ing hate you" and has not spoken to me since. I know he thinks that I am in the wrong and that I should apologise and he will keep this cold war going, visitors here for w'end so this could be difficult. Do I swallow my stubborness and say sorry or do I stick to ignoring him right back. I think his reaction was very extreme.

RiotsNotDiets Sat 15-Jun-13 20:08:13

Being stressed does not excuse intimidating and verbally abusing you.

There is no excuse for treating you like this.

Op, please have a look at this website or this book

You deserve better.

ENormaSnob Sat 15-Jun-13 20:00:23

I honestly and truly think you should leave the abusive bastard.

cortado Sat 15-Jun-13 19:58:34

Why did you marry this bloke...

ThisWayForCrazy Sat 15-Jun-13 19:44:05

I am actually really really sad that he wouldn't hit you because it's blameable, rather than he wouldn't hit you because he loves you so much.

His behaviour is not acceptable though.

OP, on the basis of what you say, his reaction was extreme. So extreme that I wonder why you ask the question.

If something like that happened to me (and I'm sorry to say that it has), I would be holding my ground - giving in once means giving in again. However, I would be trying to find out why it happened.

Excellent suggestion, tallwivglasses. He's using your visitors against you, feeling safe to escalate his shittiness because he thinks you'll keep it quiet in front of them. Turn it around and use your visitors against him, as per tallwivglasses's suggestion.

Another one here furious on your behalf. While your friends are there, how about starting a conversation about getting angry and ask them (infront of him) if they think a man getting in his wife's face and repeatedly saying fuck you, I fucking hate you is acceptable behaviour.

Mandy2003 Sat 15-Jun-13 11:23:22

whereyouleftit - I absolutely agree!! I was in this kind of abusive relationship for a long time. It drove me to a breakdown in the end.

Dackyduddles Sat 15-Jun-13 08:37:40

Whose up for rendition of beyonce?

To the left to the left.... All ur stuff to the box to the left!

mummytime Sat 15-Jun-13 08:31:07

My DH and I have been known on occasion to have hum-dingers of arguments. In the midst of the worst of these I cannot imagine him ever saying that or shouting in my face like that. However stressed he was.

If either of us ever did that we would have crossed the line of no return, and the marriage would be over.

Sorry but there is no excuse. I can't see you have anything to apologise for.

ZillionChocolate Sat 15-Jun-13 08:30:14

If he's stressed, I might accept a bit of muttering or grumbling, at a push, a "you do it" "no you do it" argument. What he did is never acceptable and completely inexcusable.

It worries me that you seem to suggest he's in control of what he's doing in a calculating way, so that he can't be blamed. He's choosing to be aggressive and abusive to you. You deserve better than that, and so do your children. You need to change this situation, not by apologising for his behaviour, but by making yourself safe.

wtf? if dh said that to me id be going to visit my mum... permenantly!

what an arse. stress is not an excuse!

This is awful. He is awful, and you are being abused.

sad

exoticfruits Sat 15-Jun-13 07:58:32

I wouldn't do either of the 2options that you give, there is nothing to say 'sorry' for and sulking is as childish as his response.
I would wait until the visitors have gone and tell him that the relationship is in problems and things have to change. You don't seem to realise that you are in an abusive one - you are making excuses for him being stressed, but that is his problem- don't let him hang it on you.

RedHelenB Sat 15-Jun-13 07:52:29

Only you know how you "told him" to lock up but his reaction does seem very extreme.

Having read your further post OP, I thinking he did this to put you firmly in place as he knows you would not react in any other then to sweep everything under the carpet while be extra nice to him as you are afraid he will blow up again.

I would urge you to really think about what you want and if this is the relationship to get it.

" He works hard to not really express a strong opinion so as never to be "in the wrong". But he does occasionally snap like this. Last night I was a bit afraid he might hit me he was so incensed but of course he would control that as hitting is definitely blameable."
Am I the only one who finds this a bit chilling? It smacks of mind games to me - a sort of I-am-going-to-make-your-life-hell-but-in-such-a-way-that-you-won't-feel-able-to-complain-because-it-will-sound-petty-even-though-your-life-is-hell.

"He got right in my face and said "F* you several times, I F***ing hate you" and has not spoken to me since. "
I really, really don't give a shit how stressed he might be. There is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour. And from your posts, this is not the first time he has done this. To be blunt, he's telling you how he feels - I think you need to listen, and take the appropriate action. Which IMO would include kicking him out. I sure as hell wouldn't be playing nice just because there is an audience (your visitors).

justmyview Fri 14-Jun-13 20:20:06

Oh dufflefluffle your last post makes me more concerned for you, not less. I think you're a bit in denial here. Stay strong. Look after yourself
flowers

No way is that an excuse for they sort of behaviour.

I wouldn't expect to be spoken to by anyone like that let alone someone who was supposed to love and respect me.

MrsOakenshield Fri 14-Jun-13 14:38:14

'He works hard to not really express a strong opinion so as never to be "in the wrong". ' Don't you think that's a bit worrying, that he is so determined never to be in the wrong? I can't quite understand this - is it him not wanting to be proved wrong? Or do you come down on him if he says something you don't like (the 'wrong' thing) or which turns out to be 'wrong'? Either way, that surely needs to be sorted out between you.

yoshipoppet Fri 14-Jun-13 14:33:59

I might be tempted to lock up, but I'd try to make sure he was on the other side of the door...

Inertia Fri 14-Jun-13 14:27:52

Why would you apologise to the person who verbally abused you?

And made you frightened that he was going to hit you?

It sounds like he needs some kind of external support if looking after the elderly relative is provoking this kind of reaction- it's hard work, but it doesn't mean you get to come home and abuse your wife.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 14-Jun-13 14:19:15

But that still doesn't explain what he had to be angry with you about. His stress is not your fault.

So, you'd gone to bed, he was going to have to lock up before going up. You came back down, he deliberately jumped at the opportunity to get to bed without doing any more jobs, however small. You said no, you'd already finished for the day, he erupted and out came all sorts of hostility and resentment, in a form that is never acceptable to anyone. How is this not wrong?

The way you describe his efforts to avoid being 'in the wrong' makes your relationship sound like a competition to make the other look bad.

What has ' expressing a strong opinion' have to do with being 'in the wrong'? Are you saying you can't have a discussion without it becoming an argument? Or is that by 'opinion' you don't mean opinion in the interesting, conversational, discursive sense but 'criticism' or 'expression of anger'? So he's constantly restraining himself from expressing anger and criticism? Or am I barking up the wrong tree there?

ImagineJL Fri 14-Jun-13 13:55:03

Still no excuse I'm afraid. I would demand a grovelling apology or he can go and spend the weekend in a B&B on his own. No way would I put up with that, no way. I have experienced some pretty awful stress in my life, some horrible life events, as well as an ongoing very stressful job. And I have never ever come close to telling anyone I fucking hate them! He needs help.

dufflefluffle Fri 14-Jun-13 13:22:54

No it's not normal behaviour. He works hard to not really express a strong opinion so as never to be "in the wrong". But he does occasionally snap like this. Last night I was a bit afraid he might hit me he was so incensed but of course he would control that as hitting is definitely blameable. The visitors are my friends but we are together 20 years and he is fond of these friends. It was an emotional strain all round though. He went out because he has to care for an elderly relative (he does this every night) so yes, he has probably more than his fair share of stress and he does tend to keep it bottled up until he erupts like this. Which is why I wouldn't be showing him the door - I just wanted someone else's take on this in case I was missing something. I didn't ask him nicely I just stated it as I was too tired to put sweetness and light into my voice.
Thank you all though, I needed the affirmation that I am not going mad.
But also: yes, my dislike of locking up is irrational!

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