Who is being unreasonable here?

(233 Posts)
Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 22:38:54

Me and ex W split up about three years ago, 2 dc. There were many reasons we split, we rushed into it. I was too young.

During the marriage my drinking was quite excessive, usually between 5 & 10 cans, usually around four times a week though sometimes more. Ex W always had a problem with it, though she knew what I was like when we first got together, she drank a lot herself then but stopped when we had dc.

Without going in to too many ins and outs, the marriage was a disaster and she claims that a lot of it was down to my drinking.

In spite of all this we are amicable now. Sometimes we will even spend an evenkg together watching a DVD and I might have a drink. Suddenly though she has changed the rules. A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument. Since then she has said I can't drink round her or the dc, not even a couple of pints before I come round. In short she wants me nowhere near her or dc when I have had a drink, even if I am fine. I get quite annoyed about this, I like a drink but I am fine after two or three but she just won't continue our previously amicable relationship if I have had a drink.

Also about once a month I stay over and sleep in my dc's room. I like to finish my drink up and watch some tv with earphones while I do. She says this is not acceptable anymore, to be drinking in the room my ds is sleeping or for a person who has had a drink to sleep in there with dc.

I think she is being very controlling to be honest, there's nothing wrong with me having a few drinks and it annoys me that she makes such a fuss about it. It's preventing us from carrying on being friendly tbh.

So who is being unreasonable?

Hegsy Thu 13-Jun-13 22:44:07

YABU yiur children should be more important than alcohol

Jengnr Thu 13-Jun-13 22:44:07

If not drinking once or twice a week when you are with your children is too much for you you have a problem.

It's cost you your marriage and it'll cost you your kids at this rate and you're still putting it first. Get help.

Hassled Thu 13-Jun-13 22:44:27

I think you are. By your own admission your drinking was "quite excessive" - so she saw you being a pissed up arsehole quite frequently. More than she needed to. Did your kids see that?

So - the result of this is that she doesn't trust you to behave appropriately/acceptably unless you're sober. Can you really blame her? You may disagree - you may believe, and be right, that you can have a couple and be fine. But you have a lot of ground to make up - your Ex clearly doesn't have a short memory.

And ultimately she's going on the basis of what she believes is in the best interests of your children. And she was there, coping, while you were drunk. So do you really want to argue with her over this?

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Thu 13-Jun-13 22:44:36

You are, sorry. You must know that? confused

Could you talk to a GP or someone about the drinking? Thinking 'two or three' pints is a fine level for you to have and then sleep in your DCs room sounds bizarre to me. I don't mean to be harsh as I do honestly know alcohol problems can be really tough, but you are not seeing this straight.

Mitzyme Thu 13-Jun-13 22:45:50

You are. Get help with your drinking ASAP.

squeakytoy Thu 13-Jun-13 22:46:37

If you are so bothered about having a drink, then you have an alcohol dependency.

MajesticWhine Thu 13-Jun-13 22:46:41

YABU. I think she has it quite right. Are you sure there is nothing wrong with you having a few drinks? Was screwing up your marriage not enough damage? I imagine you behaved very badly when you turned up "a bit worse for wear".

CharlieBlanche Thu 13-Jun-13 22:46:53

You turned up to visit your children a 'bit worse for wear?'

shock. sad

YABU. If drink's been an issue in the past then your ex is being sensible.

ImagineJL Thu 13-Jun-13 22:48:59

YABU. In fact, so much so that I wonder if this is a reverse AIBU?

Mia4 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:49:08

Is this a reverse AIBU? I hope so. OP you sound like you have alcohol issues. for the sake of keeping the relationship amicable and being there for your DCs I suggest you look into some support. Good luck.

Hemlet Thu 13-Jun-13 22:49:49

It sounds like she has had enough of your idea of 'just one or two being fine' and wants it to stop.

You should be able to see your kids without needing a drink first.

MatersMate Thu 13-Jun-13 22:49:54

A couple of weeks ago you turned up to your children's home pissed and had a nasty argument with their mother as a result. She has every right to change the rules, you screwed up the amicable arrangements.

So now you have to choose, sober a couple of nights a week or not see your kids, have to say, the drink sounds very important to you. Are you ever concerned about your drinking?

FerrisBueller1972 Thu 13-Jun-13 22:50:03

Is this one of those reverse 'a' thread

singaporefling Thu 13-Jun-13 22:50:41

Am guessing you want honest answers.... I DO think YOU are being unreasonable, in view of the fact that she remains wary/traumatised by past events - it is NOT acceptible to turn up 'worse for wear' under any circumstances. It may seem unfair and as if you're on some kind of 'probation' but frankly you are, and her attitude may seem draconian and a little 'born again' teetotaller but I can see where she's coming from. It IS kind of black and white for her obviously and it should NOT be difficult for you to prioritise - alcohol OR children ?? That may seem extreme, but her tolerance is low and possibly ( you've been honest enough to admit ) for good reason. If you build bridges, remain completely sober, alcohol free in her/dc's presence, then things may eventually change to where you don't feel the need to drink alcohol at all or when you're with the family. Tbh the thought of somebody near my kids after having had 2/3 cans is gross... And have you asked yourself why on earth you'd need to 'finish up your drink ' in a bedroom when visiting your children ? I know what seems normal to one can seem horrible/excessive to another and I know she ' knew what she was taking on' with you, but the crucial fact is that, that WAS before dc's - they're worth making changes for and you'll smell much nicer and they'll never have to see you intoxicated....

Has to be Fred in reverse surely?

ChaoticTranquility Thu 13-Jun-13 22:52:44

YABU You say she knew what you were like when you first got together and that she used to drink a lot but stopped when you had DC. It seems to me that she grew up and accepted the fact that she had responsibilities. You on the other hand have continued being immature and selfish, and even though it contributed to the break up of your marriage you've continued that attitude/lifestyle. It's about time you grew up and started putting your DC before your drinking.

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 22:53:03

No it's not a reverse AIBU. This is exactly what has happened. My ex W suggested I post here because she uses this site a lot. I just find her very controlling tbh, my dc don't see me drunk at all so it doesn't affect them. I honestly feel like she just wants to make problems all the time.

Is this for real?

Soisitmeorher Thu 13-Jun-13 22:54:22

I am concerned about my drinking yes, but my family are all big drinkers and I hold down a very responsible high earning job. Just don't believe it's as bad as she says.

Bogeyface Thu 13-Jun-13 22:55:02

I think this has to be a reverse, must be.

I really hope it is anyway.

If it isnt then OP, you are a complete fuckwit and unless you sort yourself out you will be seeing your children in a contact centre for 2 supervised hours a week and will not be allowed in if you are in anyway under the influence of alcohol.

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Thu 13-Jun-13 22:55:19

She's not 'controlling'.

Sorry, but she's not. I get that this is upsetting for you.

But you did just post that you'd drink and turn up to see your kids, so I don't think you can claim they don't see you 'drunk'. I suspect your idea of 'drunk' and everyone else's are pretty different - you think you're 'fine' after two or three pints.

I believe you that you feel this honestly. It's a normal feeling. Your brain is telling you 'don't be so silly, of course it's fine, she is being mean and you can have another drink'.

That is the alcohol talking. You need to ignore it.

Go to your GP and get him or her to help you - it won't be scary, and it will show your ex you're trying.

MrsMagpieCovetsShinyThings Thu 13-Jun-13 22:55:20

Your children deserve better than an alcoholic father who puts beer before them.

YABU and need to get help.

Wolfiefan Thu 13-Jun-13 22:55:24

So you have a history of drinking to excess?
You turned up (at her place) drunk and had a row (with kids there?)
You want to have a couple of pints before visiting your kids?
You want to drink in DC's room?

You have a problem with alcohol. If you were my ex the message would be get sober or get lost.

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