to be hurt and feel like SHIT ( --fucking-- --pissing-- facebook related)

(122 Posts)
MoodyDidIt Sun 26-May-13 19:57:35

the other day invited my good friend (well thought she was anyway) and her dh and dcs for a bbq this evening

she said she would let me know as she was going out friday and saturday night, so, fair enough

but for one, she hasn't even bothered to let me know

and for 2, she has tagged herself at ANOTHER friends house "having a bbq and a few drinks with good friends"

obviously got a better offer then. ouch. really gutted

really upset

MoodyDidIt Sun 26-May-13 20:30:24

Not that she is attending some other friends BBQ but because (a) the cheeky fucker didn't have the common fucking courtesy to say she wasn't going to make it and (b) because she tagged herself elsewhere knowing you'd most likely see it. It's shitting all over the 'friendship' IMHO

exactly sad

DontmindifIdo Sun 26-May-13 20:45:56

See, on these threads, it's usually the case that someone is behaving in a socially innept way, being rude and hurtful to someone else, and facebook is the medium in which the person who's been shitted on finds out that they've been shitted on. Then you get people along who say "oh, leave facebook, it makes you act like a 12 year old!" or "This is why I'm not on facebook!" as if the problem is the medium in which you've found out that you've been treated badly, not the bad behaviour of someone else.

While it happens sometimes that you get a better offer, very polite people would think their orginal plans should stand, but even if you aren't going to do that, the next best thing would have been for your "friend" to contact you and say "oh god, so sorry, I completely forgot I'd already accepted to go to X's house, hadn't realised it was the same night. So sorry, I'm double booked but accepted their invite first, can we do it some other time?"

What you do'nt do is just not RSVP and then make it public that you've gone else where. It would be just as bad if you had heard via her DCs saying "we went to X's house on Sunday" or X mentioned that your 'friend' had been over, or someone else said they'd seen 'friend' at X's house.... However the fact that the way you've found out about their rudeness is via facebook will be enough for a lot of people on here to somehow think that it's facebook's fault, or your fault for using facebook in the first place, not the fault of someone being rude and making very little effort to hide from you their rudeness to you.

DontmindifIdo Sun 26-May-13 20:48:56

Sorry, that above doesn't really help you - just my personal rant at the anti-facebookers as if it's the problem, not the people using it, who'd be just as much as a problem if facebook didn't exisit.

I wouldn't mention it again, but just make a point of not inviting her to yours again. She is rude and you don't need people like that in your life.

leobear Sun 26-May-13 20:54:33

It's not facebook's fault, but the constant "transmit" mode lots of people seem to now be on, does encourage infantile behaviour. See the posts suggested OP responds on Facebook with bitching comments etc.

To be honest, some posters sound like they demand a lot from their friends, and set themselves up to be let down. People are occasionally a bit fickle. Sometimes they may even want to see other friends, rather than you! There could be all sorts of reasons for that - they may feel the other friend is more in need at that particular time, they may want to talk to them about something specific, or they may just feel like seeing them. It doesn't mean they are no longer worthy of being your friend.

Here's what I would do. Ring your friend the next time you would normally ring her, ask how she is, and then just explain that you saw she was at so-and-so's BBQ, you were a bit disappointed she didn't come to yours, shall we meet up soon etc etc. Just be completely straight forward.

BeepBeepBeep Sun 26-May-13 21:21:58

Yep,I also agree with ItsallisnowaFeegle

Tbh I think I would find this really hard to get past. Maybe I am a bit immature, but it screams total lack of respect for you and your friendship to me sad.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 21:24:45

See what you're saying would be ok if the OP had heard from her 'friend' beforehand that she was seeing another friend.

Even my most socially butterfliey friends friends are able to remember they've had a kind invite to attend a gathering but must let the host know they've actually made other plans.

I don't think the OP needs to respond to the rudeness in kind, I do think her 'friend' sounds like someone to avoid in future though.

Mintyy Sun 26-May-13 21:25:21

Honestly, doing this is arsehole-ish behaviour. You are much better off not being friends with people like this. Be thankful to facebook for giving you the heads up!

GetOrfMoiLand Sun 26-May-13 21:26:47

I can totally understand why you're so upset. That must be very hurtful. Oh dear sad

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 21:27:43

Sorry, my last post was in direct response to leobear.

Glad others get my drift though and I'm not the only one who'd be miffed.

I don't give a shiny shite if that makes me immature. I'd much rather be that than a self serving, fair weather friend.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Sun 26-May-13 21:32:57

The 'maybe she forgot' explanation seems shoddy to me, because I am forgetful at times, but if someone invited me to a barbecue at their house, on the same night I had already been invited to a barbecue at someone else's house, then I would more likely, not less, to remember because the whole idea would already be in my head.

It is simply rude not to let someone know you can't make it, and the Facebook thing (taking on board leobear's points) worsens the hurt for you, not deliberately on her part but it does show how thoughtless she is.

I would leave it alone on FB but next time you see her face to face, I would say 'Oh, I assume that a better offer came up on Sunday. It would have been nice if you'd got back to me to let me know'. If she denies it then you say 'It was on Facebook so it was pretty obvious'. A 22 year friendship is a lot to throw away, but only you know if this is now something you can see as part of an emerging pattern, or if it's genuinely a one-off you might be able to get past.

MoodyDidIt Sun 26-May-13 21:35:33

i shouldnt be too surprised tbh

she was my maid of honour at my first wedding - she is getting married in a few months, i am not even a bridesmaid and i found that out on fb as well

i cant stop crying tonight,` have had a bad few weeks, i miscarried twins a few weeks ago

i have had too much wine and sun today am absolutely steaming

Ashoething Sun 26-May-13 21:41:46

I feel for you op.

I posted on fb asking if anyone fancied a night out after my closest friend let me down at the last minute. Not one of my friends even bothered to replysad

McNewPants2013 Sun 26-May-13 21:42:28

So sorry for your loss.

I would say after 22 year friendship you should be able to ask her about it.

My advice would be to have a glass of water and get an early night.

weirdthing Sun 26-May-13 21:43:18

sad Aw, you poor thing. Sending you a big hug xxxxx

BriansBrain Sun 26-May-13 21:49:31

That is a really shitty thing to do to you.

Has she been supportive durning your MC? Some people just don't know how to support a friend when something like that happens and others have no experience so assume a couple of weeks will make it easier.

Which it doesn't, especially when shitty things happen and make you remember that the world can some times but a fucking wanker to live in sad

flowerpippin Sun 26-May-13 21:51:12

Poor you!

People are terribly thoughtless. I would just give her a very wide berth rather than call her on it. Friendships change. They don't always last forever. Perhaps you need to push her away and find a few new friends who will appreciate you.

Quite a few of us on here would have loved to come to a BBQ at yours today! smile

poorpaws Sun 26-May-13 21:51:17

That's awful, I'm so sorry.

I had a similar thing happen to me last year; A friend was supposed to be coming over to my house as she did every Wednesday and I rang her to check she was coming. She said she was coming but so-and-so had asked her to go to their house so she'd come to me later on in the week. I sat and thought about it and then text her telling her not to bother coming as she might again get a better offer and that where I come from you go with the first offer. I didn't get a reply to the text but I haven't seen her since which I feel really sad about BUT I still think I was right.

I hope you get this sorted OP.

alpinemeadow Sun 26-May-13 21:51:30

Poor moody, so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.
It's at times like these you need your friends, so it is doubly upsetting when things like this happen (even if she doesn't know). I actually think it is possible that it may not be a 'better offer' scenario or she wouldn't post it on fb (would she?) - i suspect she may have forgotten your suggestion. some people are much more forgetful than we realise. But it is still very hurtful - i would be upset by this too.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 21:52:06

Moody she sounds pretty toxic.

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. One day at a time. In fact one hour, one minute at a time, if needs be.

Do you have any other close friends in RL that you could lean on right now?

Please feel free to pm me, if you need a shoulder. flowers

I lost a baby, not a million years ago and I know how it can gnaw.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 21:54:34

Ashoe that's shite, too but remember lots of people won't have seen FB tonight for various reasons, including the sunshine. Try text next time maybe? flowers for you too chick

IKnowWhat Sun 26-May-13 22:00:19

What type of friend is she normally?

Maybe the BBQ was a bit last minute, or her DH arranged it? Sometimes BBQs aren't planned, you pop over to a friends and then it just evolves??? IYSWIM

Trying to put a positive slant on this confused

I would say something.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 22:01:45

oh you poor, poor thing, i'm so sorry to hear about your wee twins. please don't cry about your friend, though, she probably screwed up the dates in her head, that's the sort of thing i do all the time. after all, she'd have to be a spectacularly silly cow not to know that you'd see the message on FB... so if you think she's not that, then it's more likely to be a mistake.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sun 26-May-13 22:05:11

goodness, poorpaws, that was really cutting your nose off to spite your face, surely? you can't have hoped to monopolise the woman's every Wednesday forever?

I swear i never understand MN and friendships, though, i thought the idea was that both parties were into it and having fun. some of you make it sound like a job...

ItsallisnowaFeegle Sun 26-May-13 22:05:22

IKnow - it's so tempting to find a way to 'put a positive slant' on this and I hope to Godfrey that you're right and I'm a cynical bastard wrong but realistically, even a last minute BBQ or something spontaneous sprung on her by her husband doesn't excuse her lack of very basic manners.

If nothing else, a quick text would at least be something.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 26-May-13 22:11:22

So sorry for your loss Moody.

You do not need people like her in your life.

flowers

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