Said friend has form for being a bit blunt. The sort of person who would tell you that you looked fat in an outfit (while other people might dress it up as 'it's not that flattering' kind of thing). So, you get an idea what she's like.
Was talking to her today about a man I've been seeing for a while, and that he wasn't ready to get into anything serious, etc, and she said 'that's probably because of what a state your house is'
to which I was 
, slightly thought she was joking but knowing her, thought she might well be being genuine and she carried on to say she couldn't see any man getting involved with me long term, because they wouldn't be able to live in my house as it is, and no-one would want to do the amount of work that's needed to someone else's house.
My house is a state (unfinished DIY project) but I didn't think it was that bad. (I also don't at all think it's a factor with this particular man but that's perhaps rather by the by) However I am a bit worried maybe I have lived with it so long I have no concept of what is normal. And one of my Ex's big things that he always put me down about was the state of the house and garden...so am left feeling a bit uncertain now really.
AIBU?
To be a bit pissed off with friend? Or does she have a point?
VelvetSpoon · 26/05/2013 12:38
Would you want to be a man who was more concerned with the state of your house than you? 
SIBU.
I have tried the 'did you mean that to sound so rude' before, and her response was she was just being honest!
She has been a very good friend to me in the past so I tend to overlook this stuff, but today did catch me a bit by surprise.
I am looking round my house now thought thinking what is she was right? 
To explain a bit re the house, 10 years ago, my Ex started an extension doubling the size of the original house. That meant replastering every room (including original house), rewiring, all new doorframes, skirting, etc. Plus new kitchen, 2 new bathrooms and landscaping the garden. None of it got finished (though some bits are more done than others). When I kicked him out 3 years ago, he'd put in most of one bathroom, done the kitchen, but a lot of the other rooms were half-painted (he used to do a bit then get bored). I have done a little myself since but barely made a dent in it, partly because I'm crap and lazy 
, and partly because we still haven't agreed anything financially over the house so the more I improve it, the more I'll have to pay him for his share. But it does mean I live in a bit of a building site.
The man in question btw has only ever said that it's a lovely house. unlike previous dates who have asked stuff like why I need such a big house, who pays for it (me!) and wouldn't I be happier in a new build...
When I met Dh my house was a mess, half decorated, junk everywhere (I think I still had unpacked boxes from 2 years before).
He built shelves, went round second hand furniture stores and helped me carry stuff back home. Then my junk had somewhere to live. He painted rooms. I paid for everything as it was my house and he did the work, often while I was at work so I could come home and have 'wow' moments. He taught me that you can hang un-ironed clothes up so they don't lay around the house and get even more crinkly. I iron before wearing and half the creases fall out now.
So it's not going to stop you doing anything you want withing a relationship.
YANBU, she's got people trained into a habit of accepting her rudeness. Saved her the effort of learning to engage her brain and be thoughtful in her comment. LTB itch 
perhaps not but I'd call her out on the next blunt comment.
I have realised that not only do I have a track record of picking such men, I have also let "friends" treat me like this. Bullies look for likely victims. If a partner likes you, he won't give a shiney shit about your house. If he's not that keen then so be it. Tis life. Move on and maybe spend some time thinking about why you might be prone to such people (too much self-deprecation?) 
I have got some bits done - I've had doors put up (there were no internal doors when the Ex left), had one of the loos plumbed in, and cleared out a room which was full of bits of carpet and old furniture , and some painting. Downstairs is generally fairly habitable, although all the woodwork needs finishing off/painting, and some of the walls (which were done properly about 7 years ago) could use redecorating. Upstairs is more of a work in progress and not great. there are so many little (and big) things to do though that even if I just stuck to the stuff that wouldn't make much difference to the house value, I'm not sure where to start.
Re the financial side, we've both already been told neither of us can really claim for the improvements, what Ex is entitled to will just be based on current value, less mortgage, and my deposit etc, rest split 50/50. Hence wanting to keep the current value as low as possible, because as I get no money for the DC from him (which is a whole other story in itself!) I slightly resent giving him anything.
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