To complain about cliquey school mums?

(104 Posts)
wandymum Wed 22-May-13 16:32:05

The other mums at DS' school are super cliquey and it appears I'm not one of the cool kids. Usually try and ignore it but a couple of things they've done recently have resulted in DS and a few others being left out at school.

They arranged after school tennis lessons for their little darlings without telling us. Not a school activity but the teacher helps the kids who go change into PE kit before pick up and then they all go off together leaving a few kids out.

Queen Bee of the clique is also class PTA rep so it's pretty much impossible to get involved in PTA things if you aren't in her group. Case in point today was that they asked for people to help with school play but she only invited her chums to the meeting about it.

Good or bad idea to complain to school? Obviously means I'll drop more points in the popularity stakes but might stop DS feeling left out.

EatenByZombies Wed 22-May-13 16:36:12

YANBU, it's childish.
Complain to the school if you think it's affecting your DS because he doesn't deserve to be left out because of some shitty mum-attitudes hmm but maybe it's not so important if it's just YOUR feelings that are hurt confused Can you not get involved through someone who IS invited to such things? Like if X and Y invite Z, make friends with Z so that you get in through them smile

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 16:37:30

Not sure I agree about the tennis thing. If it is not a school activity it's not really up to her to invite anyone else, the PTA thing is totally different though. I think I would go up and ask her about it and say that you want to help but were not told about the meeting. See what she says.

MyLittleDiva Wed 22-May-13 16:38:04

Why do they have to tell you if they take their kids to an after school activity? If you want your child to join ask them for the details of the club. Really don't see what the big deal is. You only have to see them at drop off and pick up.

WorraLiberty Wed 22-May-13 16:38:44

Join the PTA

Get involved in the meetings, check agendas and forthcoming dates for your diary.

But to be honest from the way you're describing this group of friends, you don't sound as though you'd be interested in getting involved with them anyway, so why bother?

What is the proportion of clique to non-clique parents? My first instinct would be to form another, nicer clique that was welcoming and fun.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 22-May-13 16:39:48

If you complained to the school about it at the school where I work your feelings would be completely acknowledged and something would be done about it. Not sure that would be the case in all schools.

WorraLiberty Wed 22-May-13 16:40:06

Why does it always have to be 'cliques' though?

Why can they not just be seen as a group of friends like any other?

PTA thing aside

Some of them are, Worra, some aren't. My baby group was cliquey. Excluding and mean to some. Some people are just a group of friends.

JennyEnglishTwo Wed 22-May-13 16:42:55

Can see both sides of this. It's not nice feeling excluded but really, nobody's obliged to invite you anywhere. Is there anybody else you'd like to play tennis with? do you want to play tennis? or do you only want to play tennis with people who believe they are cool.

I started my own clique. I felt a bit sidelined by supposedly cooler people too dumb to realise i'm funny and good company I started inviting people to do things, coffee, out in the evening for a glass of wine and some chunky chips. Go running with another woman. I made my own clique! and we're younger, thinner and better company than the original clique ho ho howink

5318008 Wed 22-May-13 16:42:59

Do PTA not send out newsletters with requests for volunteers?

The tennis thing, I cannot get exercised about. If you want your kid to do tennis then arrange it, don't get all huffy, eh.

TheFallenNinja Wed 22-May-13 16:43:20

Not sure who would have authority to act on any complaint?

fuzzypicklehead Wed 22-May-13 16:54:30

Actually, I wouldn't be cool with class time being used to help only some of the kids into pe kit for an out of school activity. If they're young enough to require assistance getting changed, then they're young enough for it to take a while. What are the other kids supposed to be doing while the tennis kids are getting changed?

If the parents want to arrange an out of school activity for their kids, that's fine. But then they need to get the kids ready themselves, instead of impacting on other kids school time.

JennyEnglishTwo Wed 22-May-13 17:09:59

A pta woman at my children's school (apparently) had particular people in mind for the pta. I heard this only recently. I did two years of fund raising but she wanted somebody .........more married , wealthier?

I am not lacking in confidence and I'm good at fundraising because I'm polite, friendly, sincere, good at reading people, I blagged a whole load of gifts and vouchers etc and she 'forgot' to thank me at the event which was a great success. She stood up and thanked everybody who'd helped, everybody from her wonderful husband to sparing her, her cleaner, her au pair, you name it, she thanked them but she forgot me! But I said nothing, except to my mum! i bitched like a madwan to my mum but said nothing to anybody connected to the school!

Then later on she decided I wasn't pta material and that I should step down. I said OK! Now, I'm done!

Tailtwister Wed 22-May-13 17:13:05

YANBU, it's so ridiculous this kind of thing goes on. DS1 starts school in August and I'm not looking forward to this aspect of it.

wandymum Wed 22-May-13 17:20:20

Yes re the tennis, fine if they want their kids to go. What I object to is the changing of those kids who go happening in the class during the school day which gave DS the definite impression it was a 'school activity' he hadn't been asked to join in. He was upset and really wanted to go with his school friends so I spoke to the tennis club to see if he could but they'd booked a private class (in the school name) so no.

As for joining the PTA, my problem is you can't. School appointed PTA class reps who are then supposed to let the class know what's happening how to get involved but she doesn't pass it on to all of us. I've volunteered to help at cake sales, help at plays, 2nd hand sales etc...but have never been taken up on the offer.

It's a small class of 19 kids which makes it worse so it is hard to form a rival 'clique' and I do think that is what it is, not because they are close friends but because they actively stop others getting involved in the school.

TSSDNCOP Wed 22-May-13 17:21:40

Would you have gone to the PTA meeting? In my experience the biggest moaners about the PTA would never actually turn up anyway.

If you genuinely would have gone, walk up to her tomorrow and ask when the next one is. My bet is she'll welcome you with open arms.

Let the tennis thing go. That's just an after school thing they've got their kids into.

TSSDNCOP Wed 22-May-13 17:22:42

Sorry x posted.

WorraLiberty Wed 22-May-13 17:24:11

Then from the sound of it you don't really have a proper PTA.

The tennis thing wouldn't bother me at all. Just tell your DS it's an after school activity that you tried to book him into but couldn't.

Smudging Wed 22-May-13 17:24:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wandymum Wed 22-May-13 17:35:21

Last term i offered an annual subscription for a kids' magazine as a prize for the raffle but she didn't respond and suspect the offer was never passed on to the school.

Thinking about it, I will have a chat to the school re the PTA aspect as it's not me being left out I mind (have long learned to live with not necessarily being cool wink) but the feeling that it stops me getting involved with DS' education.

kerala Wed 22-May-13 17:38:56

Are you sure they are cliquey about the PTA? Ours is very organised and so keen for new members they are super friendly. Meetings are widely advertised and new members fallen on with relief. She probably asked her friends as it was a crap job that needed doing and she would have better luck asking people she knew.

The tennis thing is YBU. Arrange your own after school activity if you are that bothered.

Also who you complain to? No one has authority over other adults social arrangements (as far as I know). Would the head call them in for a ticking off?!

wigglesrock Wed 22-May-13 17:39:49

Have you asked the mum is there an issue, if she has a problem. Actually ask her directly, loudly, in front of other people. I'd do this first before I speak to the school. You're a grown woman, try and sort it out first. The tennis thing - it's outside school hours, it's one of those things. Is there a website/ facebook page for the PTA?

WorraLiberty Wed 22-May-13 17:40:06

I'm not really sure what you mean by 'cool'?

Do you mean popular?

Really the school is just somewhere your DS goes and their DC happen to go there too.

I wouldn't pay any mind to being 'cool' or popular as long as your DS gets a decent education.

diddl Wed 22-May-13 17:44:51

Is the teacher helping the kids change in school time?

That would piss me off.

Tell the school that you're not being informed re PTA stuff.

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