Who is BU? Me or DH

(77 Posts)
difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:37:37

I am a regular and have NCed for this. There is a lot more going on at the moment and I have posted about the surrounding issues previously and on relationships but I want to get a view of who is BU on a particular aspect (so if you know who I am, please don't out me)

I have been with DH 16 years, married 5.

This weekend we had a huge row. For some reason, the next morning, this prompted DH to access my facebook page and go through all my emails etc.

I have been in contact with my ex for about 4 years. We exchange e-mails and play Scrabble on-line. DH has been aware we are in some form of contact and about the Scrabble. My ex lives a good 7 hours away so we have not seen each other since split up. Ex is in a happy relationship with 3 step children.

The content of the emails between myself and my ex are mainly banal and casual chat. There was one exchange in Feb of this year where we had a pretty emotional and personal exchange about why we split up. I had an abortion just before we split and the baby would have been 16 this year. I saw photos of ex at his stepsons 16th birthday and for some reason I felt the need to address it. Other than that exchange (which was very personal to me) the e-mails carry on being casual chit chat.

There is one other e-mail that is a bit flirty (referencing ex looking good in a profile pic)

However, I was down in London recently where ex works and we had made noises about meeting up for a drink. We didn't in the end as we were both too busy, but I emailed ex saying "I could do lunch today" and he emailed back saying he couldn't as he was caught up with something. End of.

My friendship with my ex has become very important to me. There is no wanting to get back together on either side (and it would be logistically impossible even if we did). There was never any intent to meet for more than a quick coffee and say hi. But he is a good friend (and it has taken us a lot to get there). We care about each other but it's not sexual and it is no threat to DH

DH went ballistic. Smashed up the house, huge row.

He is furious about me looking at meeting up with my ex and not telling him. I didn't meet up so there was little to tell, but DH would have stopped me if I had. I believe I would have told him afterwards if we had met for a coffee.

Anyway DH feels betrayed, that I have been unfaithful (although I think he 99% accepts we didn't meet up, the intention is a betrayal in his eyes)

We have lots of other problems we need to work through but he is making this into a huge thing.

He still has my facebook access (he's changed my password) he played some Scrabble with my ex pretending to be me and he is reading all my emails etc

He now wants me to cut all contact with my ex. I have agreed to not flirt and to never meet up with him but agreeing to cut all contact feels too much. This friendship has become important to me and I enjoy his (virtual) company. Plus it just feels like too much control form DH - dictating who I can an cannot be friends with.

So, is DH BU for demanding I never speak to ex again or am I BU for not wanting to do that?

Sorry that was SO long

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 01:19:54

People are perfectly entitled to manage there own behaviour and assuming they are adults decide who they wish to be friends with and how thy wish to communicate with those friends they are also compleatly entitled to do so privately even if they also happen to be married.

If you can be friends with someone with out either jumping up and down on their cock or acting like your about to then there is nothing wrong with that even if they are an ex.

The thing about ex's is they are ex's and not currents this usually means you don't jump up and down on their cocks. If a current has a problem with that then they have issues.

Adults get to choose there own friends and maintain those friendships because that is part and parcel of adult behaviour.

In the context of a intimate relationship both parties get to decide for themselves what is deal breaker behaviour and what constitutes cheating but the only time one party gets to dictate to the other regarding this is when it is actual cheating as universally understood even if I squint at your op and try to will myself to see cheating in it I can't.

Having a conversation of a none sexual nature with another adult is not even close to cheating neither is having a emotional conversation about a differcult time in your life with the other adult who was involved in that situation at the time. Nor is arranging to have a coffee or lunch regardless of if you do or not.

If a female friend sends you a none committed message or mentions in passing that you should do lunch one day would it be newsworthy enough to feel you had to mention it? Probably not.

Male or female I would be saying the same thing. Snoops are usually doing so because they are judging you by there own standards,they are disregarding your right to inderpendant comunications and friendships and are treating you like a child by refusing to allow you to moderate your own conduct.

If someone did that to me they would be gone very quickly. In this day and age mobile phones and computers should be devices that adults can operate without needing supervision from a grown up.

What he has done is controling isolating abusive and very fucking childish.

If you have reached a point in your relationship when you feel you have a need to snoop then your relationship is over because not only have you lost trust in the other party but snooping by its very nature breaches there trust.

Nanny0gg Thu 23-May-13 00:33:33

See, I dont think op has done anything wrong at all. What is so bad about being friends with an ex

Nothing. Unless you hide it.

ChippingInLovesSpring Wed 22-May-13 23:05:47

Are you actually going to put up with that behaviour from your husband? I'd tell him he could leave now if he did that.

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 22-May-13 23:02:16

See, I dont think op has done anything wrong at all. What is so bad about being friends with an ex ??

StuntGirl Wed 22-May-13 22:10:46

You're both being unreasonable. Why are you even with this man?

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 22-May-13 20:59:29

I am really close friends with an ex. We talk about all kinds of personal things. He is married, and there is no desire from either of us to be more than friends. He sometimes visits and stays over (lives miles away). His wife is fine with this, because she trusts him.there is nothing wrong with being friend, close friends even, with an ex.
Webcam sex, and smashing up the house on the other hand, are both things that would see me packing his bags.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Wed 22-May-13 20:38:13

Your friendship with your ex, looked at in isolation as you want us to do, looks bad. Underhand and sneaky.

But, for those of us who know who you are, and who have read your other threads (which are now coming thick and fast), the friendship is so clearly a lifeline - and a huge, pulsating symptom of the much deeper problems in your terminally sick relationship.

It is no bloody wonder you need someone to lean on, given the extent of your 'D'H's hopelessness and mental and emotional absenteeism from your relationship and co-parenting.

All the telling offs you're getting on this thread make you, I'm sure, feel just terrible and guilty about your lifeline friendship with your ex. I have no idea why you wanted to invite such flagellation on yourself, it's not as if you don't get plenty of that, emotionally, from day-to-day life with your 'D'H to the extent of having a breakdown. How this thread helps, I don't know. sad You are a good person, and do not deserve the situation you're in. And you're now even more isolated.

When does he plan to hand back control to you of your FB account and emails? Must be a fulltime job for him, keeping tabs on you like that. Luckily he has the time, right?

Ashoething Wed 22-May-13 19:12:40

Op has another thread running in relationships folks. The picture she has painted here is not the full one. Her dh is abusive imo and is now gas lighting the op to try and excuse his own terrible behaviour. Op has been told repeatedly that she cannot fix him.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 22-May-13 18:48:46

YABothBU. Your DH's has massively over-reacted but your behaviour is also totally unacceptable. I can't see that your relationship has a future to be honest.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Wed 22-May-13 18:37:01

There was someone posting on here a few months ago saying she had read her H's emails and he had suggested lunch with an ex colleague/friend whom she felt uneasy about. He had never mentioned it to her and almost every single poster suggested he was an U twunt. I think you are BU with your contact, emails and suggesting to meet up, without mentioning it to your DH. However, your DH is very, very U to react the way he did. And as for the webcam sex, I'm not surprised he has trust issues, and that you are keeping something private for yourself, iyswim. I can't even imagine staying with someone who had done that, especially if they can even admit that they are in the wrong.

difficultultimatum Wed 22-May-13 18:26:31

Yes it was sneaky and not good

I haven't been in contact with my ex since we had the row

He emailed me today though asking if I was ok as he hadn't heard from me.

DH is monitoring all my emails so he saw that. I replied and briefly let him know what had happened and that DH was uncomfortable with our friendship. Ex said he understood but then unfortunately made reference to it being a good job scrabble didn't keep the comments made as they had been flirty

DH has now blocked my ex on my fb account and said if I ever contact him again its over

Not a great day tbh

glamstretchmarks Tue 21-May-13 21:16:21

If he is dreadful in other ways as I am just seeing then leave him, but I still think meeting up with an ex without letting your partner know is sneaky and not good.

glamstretchmarks Tue 21-May-13 21:15:27

YABVU... his upset and request may be extreme but very clear where it is coming from.

fabergeegg Tue 21-May-13 21:07:34

Just read the rest of the thread. Retracting all earlier comments. Sorry.

fabergeegg Tue 21-May-13 21:05:49

I understand where your DH is coming from. There's a huge difference between playing a bit of scrabble/vaguely saying hello and emotionally vulnerable conversations, flirting and meeting (without mentioning it to you DH). It's beyond rude and you don't seem to have thought of this at all. I suspect your DH might have been reasonable (i.e., been fine with lunch) if you had gone about this in a reasonable way. But you seem to be deliberately not disclosing information that would have let him know that you were getting to know your ex again in a way that was important to you.

Your lack of apology and sensitivity to your DH in your OP makes me wonder if this manifests in other ways in your relationship. I'm trying to think of why your DH would have felt it necessary to check your emails. Could be you. Could be him.

tripecity Tue 21-May-13 18:17:45

Op, why dont you listen to everyone? Why are you even bothering to try to salvage things by going to counselling? He sounds dreadful

wellhellobeautiful Tue 21-May-13 17:07:48

I second Ashoething's tough love. He's an arsehole sweetheart. He's let you run yourself ragged for years while he's sat at home on the PC doing fuck all and having webcam sex.

Do you really have the emotional energy to do all the work to 'fix' the relationship as well? Because I doubt there'll be much in the way of positive input from him.

Ashoething Tue 21-May-13 16:45:46

You have been posting for months about his shitty behaviour and yet you are still allowing him to treat you like shit and trying to make out this is your fault-will you ever learn?

Crinkle77 Tue 21-May-13 15:24:25

I can see where your husband is coming from although that does not make it ok to smash the house up. If it were the other way round you would be going mad and all the other readers on here would be saying what a shit your husband was. Also you had a snog and a grope with another man in the past so he is probably thinking that your relationship with your ex could also have gone the same way. But then he discredits himself by having webcam sex with other women. Only you can decide what you want to do next but if you want to save your marriage you may have to give your friendship up.

difficultultimatum Tue 21-May-13 15:20:57

We do have some big problems.

I have to admit my relationship with my ex shouldn't be as important to me as it has become. It's not sexual or carrying any intent but maybe it has become an escape from the day to day grind and a distraction from the total mess we are in.

We are starting to address things but we have a lot of work to do.

KellyElly Tue 21-May-13 15:03:27

He has completely overreacted and his behaviour is completely unjustified. However, communicating in a flirty way and arranging to meet up with an ex behind a current partners back are not very trustworthy actions either. You sound like you shouldn't be together really.

What on earth are you getting out of this relationship that makes it worth sticking with?

Your DH is controlling and bullying you and completely disrespecting you by continuing with webcam sex with other women. You appear to be looking for a mental/emotional escape by connecting with your ex instead of dealing with the reality of the complete mess your relationship appears to be in.

Looking for support or distraction through your ex seems to me to be a way of putting off dealing with the real issue.

wellhellobeautiful Tue 21-May-13 13:02:41

He hasn't got a leg to stand on with the webcam sex I'm afraid.

Hope I'm not our of order saying this but I recognise your story from your other threads and I have to say whenever I've read about your DH I think he sounds like an absolute waste of skin. I can completely understand why this friendship with your ex is so important to you. In your situation it must feel like a lifeline when you're having to live with such a twat every day.

Don't let this issue be a red herring. It would really suit your DH's agenda.

cory Tue 21-May-13 13:01:09

Meaning, the moment you base your actions not on what is right but on fear of your partner, surely trust is already broken. Your trust in him, that is.

cory Tue 21-May-13 13:00:14

You say that the reason you did not tell him about meeting your ex was because you were afraid of him. To me, that would be the relationship dead then and there.

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