Who is BU? Me or DH

(77 Posts)
difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:37:37

I am a regular and have NCed for this. There is a lot more going on at the moment and I have posted about the surrounding issues previously and on relationships but I want to get a view of who is BU on a particular aspect (so if you know who I am, please don't out me)

I have been with DH 16 years, married 5.

This weekend we had a huge row. For some reason, the next morning, this prompted DH to access my facebook page and go through all my emails etc.

I have been in contact with my ex for about 4 years. We exchange e-mails and play Scrabble on-line. DH has been aware we are in some form of contact and about the Scrabble. My ex lives a good 7 hours away so we have not seen each other since split up. Ex is in a happy relationship with 3 step children.

The content of the emails between myself and my ex are mainly banal and casual chat. There was one exchange in Feb of this year where we had a pretty emotional and personal exchange about why we split up. I had an abortion just before we split and the baby would have been 16 this year. I saw photos of ex at his stepsons 16th birthday and for some reason I felt the need to address it. Other than that exchange (which was very personal to me) the e-mails carry on being casual chit chat.

There is one other e-mail that is a bit flirty (referencing ex looking good in a profile pic)

However, I was down in London recently where ex works and we had made noises about meeting up for a drink. We didn't in the end as we were both too busy, but I emailed ex saying "I could do lunch today" and he emailed back saying he couldn't as he was caught up with something. End of.

My friendship with my ex has become very important to me. There is no wanting to get back together on either side (and it would be logistically impossible even if we did). There was never any intent to meet for more than a quick coffee and say hi. But he is a good friend (and it has taken us a lot to get there). We care about each other but it's not sexual and it is no threat to DH

DH went ballistic. Smashed up the house, huge row.

He is furious about me looking at meeting up with my ex and not telling him. I didn't meet up so there was little to tell, but DH would have stopped me if I had. I believe I would have told him afterwards if we had met for a coffee.

Anyway DH feels betrayed, that I have been unfaithful (although I think he 99% accepts we didn't meet up, the intention is a betrayal in his eyes)

We have lots of other problems we need to work through but he is making this into a huge thing.

He still has my facebook access (he's changed my password) he played some Scrabble with my ex pretending to be me and he is reading all my emails etc

He now wants me to cut all contact with my ex. I have agreed to not flirt and to never meet up with him but agreeing to cut all contact feels too much. This friendship has become important to me and I enjoy his (virtual) company. Plus it just feels like too much control form DH - dictating who I can an cannot be friends with.

So, is DH BU for demanding I never speak to ex again or am I BU for not wanting to do that?

Sorry that was SO long

Nanny0gg Thu 23-May-13 00:33:33

See, I dont think op has done anything wrong at all. What is so bad about being friends with an ex

Nothing. Unless you hide it.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 01:19:54

People are perfectly entitled to manage there own behaviour and assuming they are adults decide who they wish to be friends with and how thy wish to communicate with those friends they are also compleatly entitled to do so privately even if they also happen to be married.

If you can be friends with someone with out either jumping up and down on their cock or acting like your about to then there is nothing wrong with that even if they are an ex.

The thing about ex's is they are ex's and not currents this usually means you don't jump up and down on their cocks. If a current has a problem with that then they have issues.

Adults get to choose there own friends and maintain those friendships because that is part and parcel of adult behaviour.

In the context of a intimate relationship both parties get to decide for themselves what is deal breaker behaviour and what constitutes cheating but the only time one party gets to dictate to the other regarding this is when it is actual cheating as universally understood even if I squint at your op and try to will myself to see cheating in it I can't.

Having a conversation of a none sexual nature with another adult is not even close to cheating neither is having a emotional conversation about a differcult time in your life with the other adult who was involved in that situation at the time. Nor is arranging to have a coffee or lunch regardless of if you do or not.

If a female friend sends you a none committed message or mentions in passing that you should do lunch one day would it be newsworthy enough to feel you had to mention it? Probably not.

Male or female I would be saying the same thing. Snoops are usually doing so because they are judging you by there own standards,they are disregarding your right to inderpendant comunications and friendships and are treating you like a child by refusing to allow you to moderate your own conduct.

If someone did that to me they would be gone very quickly. In this day and age mobile phones and computers should be devices that adults can operate without needing supervision from a grown up.

What he has done is controling isolating abusive and very fucking childish.

If you have reached a point in your relationship when you feel you have a need to snoop then your relationship is over because not only have you lost trust in the other party but snooping by its very nature breaches there trust.

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