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The third DC - the marriage wrecker??

(94 Posts)
TheCountessOlenska Sat 18-May-13 20:42:48

Someone I know was saying that she reckons that when the third child comes along is when the husband goes bonkers and runs off with his secretary. She said she knows loads of couples this has happened to (I know of two of them myself to be fair)

So, surely this isn't true of the general population??

amazingmumof6 Sun 19-May-13 23:46:54

never heard of this.

my dad ran off with his secretary after 25 years of marriage though.shocking.
I was 25, my sister was 23.

As for us, after 6 kids we are still very happy. DH works long hours, I'm very busy with kids and home and we are both quite tired generally, so we joked once that it would be impressive if either of us had energy for an affair! grin

sorry to hear about some of your stories.

Joiningthegang Sun 19-May-13 23:13:23

3 was almost the end of us - he was a "surprise"

3 is v stressful - love him to bits but most days wish we had 2

fluffypillow Sun 19-May-13 22:03:10

We have 3, and we are still together, and always will be (wouldn't have had any children if I didn't believe that smile )

Our third is a Girl, after two boys, and so she completed our family.

AmberSocks Sun 19-May-13 21:57:41

Yes maybe. :-)

threesypeesy Sun 19-May-13 21:54:19

We've got 3 dds and tbh if you're relationship is going to break down it will I don't see how a third baby will be the deciding factor in it. Our 3rd made our family complete and we made sure that we could financially afford the same lifestyle before having her so there was no financial difficulties.

I don't see 3 being a large family either and have never found taking 3 on days out etc any more difficult than 2, I don't tjink 3 is anymore stressful either organisation is your friend with 3!

Molehillmountain Sun 19-May-13 21:44:55

So, amber, is it a bit like me thinking one is easy because I have three?

AmberSocks Sun 19-May-13 21:30:51

Mole-i have 5.

Molehillmountain Sun 19-May-13 20:57:30

Amber socks-genuinely interested-do you have three? It does come down to more than numbers, obviously, but when we had two, it was am easier job to "divide and conquer" in that if dh took dd out to give me a rest when ds slept, it was one to one time with her. If he does that now, he's still managing the dynamic between two small people. So it's more full on. Our challenge is really that dd2 has been a shocking sleeper and remains so and that adds severe sleep deprivation into the mix.
I'm not saying it'll wreck our marriage, far from it but I can tell you that, after a honeymoon period where dd slept well, this has been so, so challenging.

hazeyjane Sun 19-May-13 20:11:40

i dont see how 3 is different to 2?people make such a fuss,its only 3 fgs.

That depends on quite a few different circumstance though, doesn't it!

tumbletumble Sun 19-May-13 15:05:34

DH and I have 3 close in age, and for us the toughest time in our marriage was just after the birth of DC2. We were suffering from all the common cliches of not having enough quality time together, not communicating well, sex life deteriorating etc. We both put some effort into improving our marriage, and things have been great since then, even though DC3 was a much harder baby than DC2.

ComposHat Sun 19-May-13 14:53:46

I was talking about a third child conceived in specific circumstances (often with a big cap between the second and tbird child) I know several cases where people have had a third to try and plaster over tough times in their relationship or after they've reconciled. In my experience the so calles sticking plaster baby never has the desied effect.

Whether the marriages break up because of the pressure of a extra child or would have failed anyway, I don't know.

noddyholder Sun 19-May-13 14:51:26

Apparently it is but I know lots of families with 3 and they are fine! I have never encountered it myself. A child cannot break a relationship unless it is fairly shaky to start with.

AmberSocks Sun 19-May-13 14:48:08

i dont see how 3 is different to 2?people make such a fuss,its only 3 fgs.

ComposHat Sun 19-May-13 14:43:41

I have heard 3rd children referred to as glue babies. . In that couples on the rocks decide on a 3rd to make it so i guess in that situation they are more likely to break it

I know a few friends who are the youngest of three and their parents had them to 'bring them closer together' after a rough patch.

In none of these cases did it work and the marriages broke down.

TheBigJessie Sun 19-May-13 14:19:28

Wow, what a huge effect on several lives that tarot reader had... sad

LucieLucie Sun 19-May-13 12:40:16

grin janey68 I think you have it spot on!

janey68 Sun 19-May-13 12:02:27

Wow that's a fairly extreme example lucie! But then I guess if you're going to base having a child on tarot readings ...

I think what this thread shows is that having children is HARD WORK full stop. So unless both parents are truly invested in it, it's likely to be the straw that breaks the proverbial. The issue of 3 children is maybe because society's default seems to be two, so to go beyond that you certainly need to have both partners fully on board. The couples I was describing, the dads certainly love their 3rd children dearly (I'm sure in 99% of cases parents love however many they have ) but I'm aware that the driving force behind having a final fling at the baby thing was the woman in each case, and I suspect that's fairly common because women tend to have more of a natural broodiness which sometimes kicks in as the youngest child grows up. I suspect the dads were willing to go for a 3rd but would have been equally happy to stop at 2, and that situation is unsurprisingly going to put pressure on a marriage, especially when baby number 3 gets a bit older and costs more, and there is more of a mismatch of interests, lifestyle etc between older and youngest child

LucieLucie Sun 19-May-13 11:52:16

Yes it is IMO. We had friends who had 2 boisterous boys aged 6 & 4 and the dh wanted no more. Ds's were a handful as it was and the dh worked shifts.
The wife always wanted a dd and went to a tarot reader who told her she was going to have a dd next and described what she was going to look like.
This made the wife adamant they should have a 3rd dc as it would be a girl so she pushed and pushed her dh til he reluctantly agreed.

They had a boy.
The dh ended up leaving his wife and kids when the youngest was 1 he went away with a girl at work ...10 years younger.
I don't know anyone else with 3.

cory Sun 19-May-13 11:39:57

Also running through the couples I know with 3 or more- or still together. The real marriage wrecker ime is the midlife crisis. So if you could find some way of preventing men in particular from reaching their mid-forties, that might have more of an effect.

jojane Sun 19-May-13 11:20:13

We have 3 and quote close together (6,4 and 2) it has been hard and we have had a couple of rough patches but we seem to be coming out the other side now ds2 is no longer a baby. Financially we are gradually getting better off. Most of my friends have 2 and it just 'seems' easier for them. I just seem to be chasing my tail all the time, house is always a mess, never get to the bottom of the washing basket etc!! Saying that ds1 is being assessed for aspergers and has only just gained control of his bladder so a lot of stress and worry would have been around whether we had 1 or 3 kids.

janey68 Sun 19-May-13 10:12:14

Well, obviously it's far too simplistic to say that if you have 3 children you're at risk of hubby running off with his secretary and if you stick at none, one or two you'll be fine!!

BUT.. I think some of the posts above indicate how having a 3rd child could highlight particular stresses such as finance or space, it might limit some of the activities previously enjoyed etc which in turn is going to put pressure on a marriage.

I also know a couple of people who had a 3rd child after a big gap, and while both the couples are still together, I do know they've had a tough time of it. My take on that is that although the husbands went along with the idea of 3, in both cases it was the woman who was really driving the idea (older 2 kids in school and mum wanting a final 'bonus' baby) so I suspect those are the reasons behind it being an extra pressure. I know plenty of other families with 3 (or 4) children close together and although their lives are hectic, they seem to just get on with it.

So it's not the fact of having 3 kids, so much as the reasons behind having the 3rd

(Btw I don't like the term 'bonus baby' but I've heard it referred to that when a mum has a last one after a long gap out of her desire to do the whole baby thing again!)

CissyMeldrum Sun 19-May-13 10:12:14

Forgot to say my husband is great.

CissyMeldrum Sun 19-May-13 10:10:21

I have 3,3rd not planned,my eldest has SN but you cope....love is love isn't it

wineoclocktimeyet Sun 19-May-13 09:33:07

I'd never made the connection before, but the 2 friends whose husbands have decided its too much hard work being a husband and a father, both have 3 children!

That said, I also have friends with 3 who ae still together

peteypiranha Sun 19-May-13 09:29:24

I suppose it depends holly if you want to keep working then its much better having larger gaps.

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