To say to my brother "no, you can't come this weekend" despite him insisting

(39 Posts)
sh77 Thu 16-May-13 22:48:20

Already told him on the phone that this weekend would not work as dh is preparing for interviews. He lives quite far from where we are. I asked him what was so important that it had to be this weekend, and he said he wanted to see ds. I suggested we arrange it when it was mutually convenient. Two hours later, got another text asking if he could stay sat night and leave sun ( ds will be asleep). I think he is coming for other reasons, which is fine, and needs a place to crash. Ordinarily, i wouldn't mind but i am getting fed up with him not seeing things from my perspective.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 17-May-13 20:54:47

Stick to saying no. Stay firm and don't take the bait if when he gets sulky.

Anyone who persists in asking for something that's a favour when they have been refused once is rude and unreasonable. No one is entitled to be hosted and entertained by people who have something else to do on that particular date.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'm with wibblyjelly - she is pg and they want to tell you face-to-face before going public.

It isn't fair on DH though.

elfycat Fri 17-May-13 11:46:27

Is it time to bring out 'No is a complete sentence'?

He's asked and you've said no, and for very valid reasons.

Before DH went for the interview for his current job he spent the weeks before weekend researching the company, brushing up on the possible answers to those open ended questions and thinking through what they said about him. He tried on his suit with various shirt and tie options. He called our friends who perform interviews and gained some insight from their points of views. He cleaned the car he would be driving in. We gave him the time.

And he rested as much as you can with 2 young DDs to give himself some head space and keep his blood pressure nerves at bay.

YANBU and don't be made to feel that you are. Just because you are at home doesn't mean that you are free to entertain.

whois Fri 17-May-13 11:28:31

Well the whole eating to bring new GF and be entertained is a bit different from needing to crash.

Tell him this weekend really isn't suitable but you'd love for see him on x or y weekends.

OTheHugeManatee Fri 17-May-13 11:05:20

Who in God's name 'insists' on inviting themselves to stay when their putative host has said it's not convenient? I'm a bit shock at the sheer rudeness of it.

GlassofRose Fri 17-May-13 10:42:48

You said no it's not convenient. No need to feel bad about it, it's never unreasonable to not want to be a b&b.

AThingInYourLife Fri 17-May-13 10:32:54

"Surely your DH won't need all day and evening for two days for interview prep?"

If I had an interview for a job I really wanted, I would be doing at least that much prep.

And I wouldn't want visitors in on top of me while I was doing it.

I'd want everything nice and calm in the house and to be basically left to get on with it.

I'd make sure DH had the same.

wibblyjelly Fri 17-May-13 10:19:55

Do you think they maybe have some news to share, face to face (could you be about to be an auntie?). Not that it makes any difference, as you've quite rightly already said no, but that could be why he keeps asking maybe?

It doesn't matter what your reasons are for not wanting him to visit you this particular weekend. This weekend is not a good time for him to visit, so he can come another time instead, end of.

Is he the sort that's going to turn up anyway and gamble on you letting him stay so as not to have a row on the doorstep?

EskSmith Fri 17-May-13 10:06:59

Bringing his new wife puts a whole new perspective on it. I'd reply, whilst I'd love to spend some time with you & dw we really can't do this weekend, we can do weekends x, y, z.

zipzap Fri 17-May-13 09:57:41

If you give him two or three other options then he really shouldn't complain.

If he has got a hidden agenda - he wants to be out of his house this weekend for something, or he wants to stay with you because he wants to go to a footie match nearby or meet up with other mates then he should be honest and give the reason and let you decide.

But if he has just spontaneously said that he wants to come this weekend because he happens to be free then he has to accept that not everybody will be free just when he wants to come. OP hasn't said that he can never come again, just that this weekend will be really inconvenient. If he gets grumpy because he is offered other weekends that don't suit him then he is a hypocrite - he can't expect other people to change their plans but not be prepared to change his own plans, that's incredibly self centred.

If he can't make the dates offered, then he can come back with more dates and eventually there will be a mutually convenient date when both sides can make it - even if it isn't as soon as the brother would have liked, but much better to go when

And to those that say that the dh can't prepare all weekend for his interview - that's true. But if it is an interview for an important job that getting will make a big difference to his and his family's life in the future, then he needs to prepare as best he can. That doesn't include fitting in preparation around visitors, probably drinking more in the evening than intended as you're entertaining, later night, then not being as efficient the next day, getting disturbed by the noise that more people in the house make, by ds not being taken out by OP as planned.

If bro and SIL come and the dh ends up not being able to prepare as he wants, and then just misses out on the job, he's always going to wonder if he had had the opportunity to prepare if he would have got it, there's always going to be that little annoying niggle that blames the brother and SIL for coming and spoiling his preparation, which is going to fester for a long time. Which is not good for long term family happiness either.

pinkyredrose Fri 17-May-13 09:06:28

I would let him, he's your brother after all. Will it really be that much of a hardship to have him for one night? Surely your DH won't need all day and evening for two days for interview prep?

DontmindifIdo Fri 17-May-13 08:13:25

It doesn't work for you, your DH doesn't want to entertain, if your DB will be arriving with new wife, you know your own family, the expectation being that you will be formal entertaining, not 'amuse yourself' then it's not fair to force that on your DH when he's already asked for a quiet weekend.

Tell your DB again that this weekend doesn't work, but perhaps say that next weekend (or other dates) does, his choice them. Bit late to do this on a Friday.

i would say really sorry, but no.

Snazzynewyear Fri 17-May-13 08:06:29

Now you've said it would first visit of him and wife, definitely no.

2rebecca Fri 17-May-13 08:04:02

I think if the brother chooses to feel hurt because it's not convenient for him to come then that's his choice and it's just self pity.
Your husband is family as well. At the moment I wouldn't invite guests for the weekend because my son has 3 highers next week and is studying. If a relative phoned and wanted a casual visit I'd suggest another weekend.
I have weekends when I'm feeling stressed out after a busy week and don't want to visit or be visited by anyone. If my husband then invited (or didn't say no to, same thing) a couple of relatives to stay I'd be quite angry.
If I wanted to stay with a relative and it wasn't convenient I'd rather they said no firmly than resented me. Why should I get upset by this? It doesn't mean they don't love me any more, just that that weekend isn't convenient for me to visit.
You don't show your love for people by always saying yes to them, and in this case if she says yes to her brother she's saying no to her husband.

EugenesAxe Fri 17-May-13 03:30:09

Sorry, Wuldric.

EugenesAxe Fri 17-May-13 03:29:00

IMO it's irrelevent as to how exactly her DH plans to prep; just having people round and not being able to think and act freely is a bother. These things can just hang over you, ever if when it came to it you were relatively unaffected.

Just tell him he can't stay. If he persists ask him directly why he won't accept your wishes. Having said that I'm with Wulfric to an extent... although your post implies if there was no SIL that kind of would be the case.

raisah Fri 17-May-13 02:23:15

Tell him that the following bank holiday weekend would be better for you as you'll have more time to spend with him & his wife. Also explain about the interview but say the upcoming bank holiday is more ideal.

Wuldric Fri 17-May-13 01:07:59

I dunno. I tend to think that if people want to come, then let them come. S'fine. No biggy. Nice to see them. If we've got prior commitments, I let them know in advance so they know they have to amuse themselves for however long. I'm a bit sentimental about family particularly. They always have carte blanche to come and stay whenever. So if I were in your shoes, I'd be welcoming. If I were in your brother's shoes, I'd be feeling a bit hurt. But I don't know the dynamic. Don't you like your brother?

StuntGirl Fri 17-May-13 00:47:07

If you don't want him staying - and that's entirely up to you, you don't need any justifications for it - just say "Sorry this weekend doesn't work for us", offering weekends x, y or z as alternatives if you so feel like it. Repeat as necessary.

Naoko Fri 17-May-13 00:17:23

Nope, not unreasonable. It's your house, and it's not convenient. End of discussion. Just stay firm, don't apologise, don't explain.

Mumsyblouse Fri 17-May-13 00:14:44

No, it's not convenient and you do not have to say yes. If I was preparing for interviews and needed my husband to care for the kids, I would be mighty pissed off if he let a couple come and stay on Sat night (because it means entertaining, noise, he can't be rude, bottles of wine etc). Why is he still asking when you said it is not convenient?

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