This screams 'awkward' to me but my 'family' tell me IABU (long)

(106 Posts)
grants1000 Mon 13-May-13 11:57:38

Very long story short, my brother and I have different Dads, same Mum. This all came out in the wash when we were in our 20's, we are now in our 40's) Recently (last couple of years) my brother (who is actually my half brother but has and will always be my brother) got in touch with his real Dad and his-half brother and sister.

My brother is getting married in August and all his new relations are coming to the wedding. There are no plans for me to meet them all beforehand. There is going to be a family dinner with all of us the night before the wedding and I think this is very weird all to meet up and be jolly dee with all this history. So if you have read this far and understand my brother will have both his real parents at his wedding and two new half siblings. Oh and my brothers real Dad has a long term girlfriend who will also be in attendance.

My Dad died many years ago and it just makes me feel very disloyal to him. I will say hello to them and be civil, but the thought of 'family photo's makes me want to run screaming/barf. And any sort of chat, ie: you look like your mum, nice to meet you etc etc - really?! I think 'fuck you asshole' to this man who has been fairly fucking useless since he started a relationship with my brother even though he thinks sun shines from every orofice; rock up to the wedding and play hero? I don't think so.

I am also sad and jelous that my brother will have both his parents at his wedding and I did not as my Dad died 10 months before I got married. I also have two children who know nothing of this who are at the wedding and I can't think for the life of me how to even start explaining it all, my head is currently fried, hence this post.

So much swirling in my head, am I being a petchulant child or as a grown up do I have the right to assert myself and feelings and be civil and limited in contact? They and he are no my family and I don't want a family style relationship, just a adult arms lenght one. Of course Iw on't make a scene and spoil the wedding type thing.

Or shall I just get pissed in corner and slope off early. Help me please.

Devora Mon 13-May-13 23:41:36

Nothing to add but good luck, OP. If it makes you feel better, just on my mother's side I have 20 aunts and uncles with a combined total of 7 parents between them. You can imagine how complicated a 'one big happy family' type gathering is with that lot grin

LemonPeculiarJones Mon 13-May-13 23:54:07

YANBU to be freaked out by this, and uncomfortable.

Do as you plan - go along, be polite, take a controlled position on it for your brother's sake. There will definitely may well come a time when he needs you to help him sort through his feelings once he's realised that his bio dad isn't as committed as he'd hoped.

But for now, he wants this big emotional moment. It means a lot to him.

It sounds like you'll be an amazing sister and be there because he wants you to be. But I completely understand that it all must feel very fucked up.

Families! Sheesh.

Binkybix Tue 14-May-13 08:20:14

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It may be that your brother hasn't introduced you to his bio dad because he's picked up how you feel about this?

Floggingmolly Tue 14-May-13 13:49:28

I'm not as "into" meeting the rest of the birth family as he is
Why can't you understand that it's your brother's birth family, not yours? It has nothing to do with you at all, really. Why is it such a mountainous issue for you? Is it just jealousy?
Your brother quite naturally want all his family at his wedding celebrations; you will not be forced to (or indeed invited to, probably) have any further contact with his birth family; so the big happy family occasions which you appear to dread so much will be somewhat limited.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 14-May-13 14:07:20

OP just grit your teeth, smile in the humiliating photos, go home and get pissed up.

I agree with the poster who said if you haven't been in a family situation like this before, it's hard to imagine why OP feels her brother is neglecting her emotions/is uncomfortable/why she isn't just sucking it up.

I would never want my big special happy day to be on the backs of uncomfortable loved ones. I especially wouldn't rub a raw wound by using the term 'big happy family,' when one of the members is deceased.

OP isn't selfish, jealous or attention seeking. These situations are more than difficult, especially when a close family member expects you to just 'suck it up.'

Leaving thread now as it is very sensitive to me, and I feel disgust anger at the brother in the OP.

PM me any time OP xx

LookingThroughTheFog Tue 14-May-13 14:21:51

Surely your ten year old's old enough to know that families come in all different shapes and sizes (and your six year old too, come to that), and that UncleGrants is lucky enough to have two different dads, and this is one of them, and that's just the way things are. It's getting increasingly unusual that all siblings only have two parents between them. It's probably commonplace at their school.

Hopefully, even if you don't tell them anything at all, it will be a lovely family day for all of you, with whatever definition of 'family' you might all have. It might even be that his half-genetic-siblings are curious to know the sister he actually grew up with.

Basically, if you can, relax about it. It'll probably make things easier and happier all round.

(My background is that my older brother has a different genetic father, though he was adopted by my genetic father when he was a couple of weeks old. It was explained to us when we were all quite young. We asked a lot of questions, and then got over it. When it came up that Bro had looked for his genetic father, and found him but not contacted him, it seemed kinder to be interested and supportive of whatever decision he made, so it's not exactly a situation I don't understand.)

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